mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3136
Loc: Florida
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Not that a study that is being advertised isn't needed...but I'm tired of seeing it first down the line of every forum.
So lets post about something related to the issue of step families instead.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 397
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okay....
How do you balance being a biomomma while not making the step children feel alienated? What are some ways you can make your biochild feel special while keeping the balance? Do the older children feel "taken for granted"? How do you combine activites that fit a variety of intrests?
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3136
Loc: Florida
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A lot of that depends on the age of all the children and the custody arrangements of the step-children.
Simple things like being as consistent as possible in all things such as rewards, chores or punishments. If you'd punish your own child for something, the step-children should be treated the same if committing the infraction. If you reward your own child for something or the step-children for something than the reward should be accepted as something they can all earn. The biggest one to keep all children feeling like one isn't being treated any different than the others, is to divide chores up evenly...even if the step-children are not there 24/7, they should still have some responsibility while they are there. They should feel like part of the family, not like a visitor. Not to say that you should save all chores for the weekends that they are there so they can participate, but more of dinner's ready, child A - set the table and Child B - clear the table & Child C - it's your turn to help with the dishes...I think you get the point.
Have family meetings where everyone gets at least a couple of minutes to have their own say...whether they talk about things they want to do or problems they are encountering, it helps them feel like they are being heard.
Realize too that no matter how hard you try to be equal handed or treat them all the same, at some point all children feel like they are treated differently...some of that is age related (1 year olds need more attention than 13 year olds...and 15 year olds get more privileges than 13 year olds) and sometimes kids will compare everything possible and if you messed up even once, they can make a mental note of it to throw at you when you least expect it.
Try to spend a little bit of time alone with each one...even if its 5 minutes at bedtime reading a book, singing a song, praying or for older ones asking about their day. I find that hard to do sometimes.
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**2 1/2 weeks to go...should start counting down the days**
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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How many stepfamilies are out there where the new step-parent is not a biological parent to his/her own? I've been in this boat as the new step-, and I'm now in a relationship (well, up until this past Friday, LOL) where my partner was not a bio-parent.
Non-bio's have "notions" of the way it should be vs. the way it is. There seems to be more of a black/white approach to parenting.
I was no exception many years ago when I inherited two step kids. I didn't have the experience to think about my own contribution to the kid's behavioral response to something, much less evaluate more than my black/white ideals.
Who else has encountered this? And how did you and the non-bio-parent work it out?
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1194
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We just treat each kid as our own. Real easy real simple but we have two the same age at home at the same times.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 397
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We really have no problems with feeling left out at our house, I've been reading some things on another site (a very positive site BTW) and one of the parents was having issues. I gave the same advice. We've been blessed with kids that compliment each other's personalities. Plus we make a point of teaching each child to respect other's space, be it toys, rooms or privacy.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 397
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Faith,
I can't give direct advice b/c I have never had this issue. But one thing I think causes problems among some of the issues in acceptance of a step child is the adult may see behavior that they feel is unacceptable or annoying. And in some cases it may be and the parent is blind to it. But what I've figured out is that the step parent has the annoyances (extreeeeeemly apparent in older children) but do not have the bonding the bio parent had. The joyous memories of a first step to block the rude comment of a 13yo boy or the first momma or daddy to blur the eyeroll of a 11 yo girl. There has to be a balance. The outsider has to find their own balance if there is to be a positive relationship between adult and child.
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jakandme
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 569
Loc: on my way up the hill
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my stbx was stepdad to my son and he always treated him differently than he did his bio daughters that we have. It may have been because his bio son is all the way in FL and he never gave the child any thought except on holidays or whatever and then barely recognized him. I don't know. I do know that he seemed to resent my son for something and I never quite figured out what because he came into the picture when my son was an infant and I thought that he would love him like his own but soon got the realization knocked into me when he called my son bad names. Then after he left, he has had absolutely NOTHING to do with the boy and he is such a good little boy. I don't understand it myself as I was only stepmom to his son who lived so far away.
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What is the future but a mirrored image of the past? Only we can make it better or worse!
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