fairlady
Bronze
Reged: 09/08/08
Posts: 45
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Long story short ......
My ex met a girl . Knew her for 7 mos. . Our girls only met her 2x's before he moved her in .... THEN 1 week later moved in her 17 year old son . These kids from both sides . Have NEVER met each other before . The boy has had run ins w/ the police . C/C fraud among some other things I don't know about .
Anyways this boy made a move on our 14 year old daughter ! I don't think in a sexual way . I hope not or he is a gonner ! My 14 year old daughter had a crush on him I know . And he knew she was innocent . As she has never had a BF before . She just turned 14 .
I found instant messages and emails . Stating that he wanted her to send him a picture of her in a towel ...stating "YUMMY" ! My ex's GF found some text messages between the 2 on the boys phone . I do not know the content of those text . But apparently they were a bit graphic .
I called my ex and told him I do not want our daughter around that boy again ! And when the GF heard me through the phone . SHE ..... SHE told me that she didn't want our daughter to call HER son anymore ! My ex said nothing to her to defend our daughter ! My ex continued to say that he thinks it was innocent . I on the other hand do not think that way . Both the boy and our daughter knew that they should NOT have been wanting anything from the other to begin with . And with the boy knowing he is almost an adult . And she only just turning 14 . That she was OFF limits !
When I tried to tell my ex that I had copies of these emails and IM'S . He tried to talk me out of doing anything with them .
I honestly think it is because he doesn't want his relationship to be in hot water ......
I could care less about his relationship .
What should I do , and am I off my rocker to want to prevent anything happening in the future ? In case my ex and his GF get married .
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 292
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I'm not sure how to answer this...I think that your ex needs to sit them down and explain the boundaries of his newly combined family. He needs to be aware of the attraction and watch for situations that might not be appropriate.
I don't read anything criminal in your posting so other than setting rules and guidelines & expectations I can't think of anything else to do....
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beachgirl
Gold
Reged: 11/05/06
Posts: 135
Loc: FL
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Go with your instinct and get your daughter out of that situation. Hopefully she lives with you most of the time. Explain to the ex that until such time as he can assure you that the boy will not be at the house, your daughter will not be staying there either. The boy, your ex, and his mother all know that the boy crossed the line. It probably is not the first time. Protect your daughter and talk to her about the situation. You do not want any boy convincing her to send them inappropriate pictures of herself.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1264
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Unfortunately, kids these days think it's the norm to send racy pics of themselves to ANYONE. It's "the thing to do". I see it all the time. It's so easy to take the digital pictures and email them, or message them over a phone. I feel sorry for kids these days. SO many peer pressures.
If this kid were her boyfriend, I'll bet your daughter's dad would have it out with him right away, and most likely not let him date your daughter any more. Maybe you need to approach him with that kind of twist so he gets your point without feeling blamed for the problem. However, he needs to be a huge part of the solution. (and enforce it)
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fairlady
Bronze
Reged: 09/08/08
Posts: 45
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Thanks for the replies . My ex called today . And get this ... He says that the boy left his IM on while at his Dad's place of work . And another employee was to blame for the Im that was sent to my daughter . Annnnddd get this . It was "supposedly" a 22 y/o female ? YEAH RIGHT !
I believe that this boy knows what and how to say things to get himself out of trouble . It was his IM name , his way of wording things , and in other posts he calls her cutie .
OH , OH , OH , also at the pool yesterday . My oldest daughter says that this boy says late .... instead of later .....
That was on this IM to my daughter also . So I KNOW it was him !!!
I'm just so upset that my ex can't take off his blinders for his new GF to stand up and literally tell this kid. That he will kick his butt the next time he contacts our daughter . If I could get a hold of this boy . He'd surely get a talking of his life !
And YES , thank goodness my daughter has moved back with me . And as of yet she hasn't talked to her Dad . She is that mad at him .... For not standing up for her ...
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beachgirl
Gold
Reged: 11/05/06
Posts: 135
Loc: FL
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I'm glad your daughter is back with you. Your ex should have stood up for his daughter and your daughter is smart enough to know that. Too bad your ex and the boy's mom aren't.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5138
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Last year, my MARRIED friend's 14 year old had some inappropriate things going on with a boy she met on MySpace. Lots of scary talk, texts, and she didn't even meet the kid. The year before, the child had been scandalously behaving inappropriately with a boy in the local public park. hugging & kissing & such... when her mother discovered lewd texts that had passed between this boy and her daughter.
She was horrified on both occasions and worried that her daughter's reputation among the girls in her class would put her in with the "wrong" crowd.
She approached her husband about it. He was clearly very upset by the lewd things but oddly, he was not willing or able to take action. My friend was furious with her husband almost as much as she was with her daughter and finally convinced her husband to sit down and make some rules for their daughter to follow without regard to whether or not the kid was blaming it on boys rather than taking the blame for herself.
My friend's husband was willing to do things like restrict the daughter's access to MySpace, put spyware (parent-spyware) on the kid's computer, keep her phone from her, etc. Maybe you can convince your ex to do this with your daughter.
Now, my friends' husband had no legitimate reason to pretend the problem didn't exist other than not wanting to confront the boys' parents, maybe... so I'm wondering if your ex's problem is something similar, not being willing to blame the son of the woman he's sleeping with... not being willing to listen to both sides of the story and assign blame, not being willing to try to parse out the various blames of a girl who is 14 versus a boy who is 17 when the girl has a crush on the boy and may have started the inappropriate stuff as a way of getting attention from the kid.
You know, whenever we're lied to, it's tempting to spend lots of time looking for proof of the lie, and it's clear you're doing that. Looking for syntax and grammatical nuances to prove it's this kid and not someone else. But you're doing this with a SEVENTEEN year old! You don't need to. Of COURSE he's lying. You don't need to prove it to us or yourself or anyone else. He's a 17 year old who is having some suggestive exchanges with his 14 year old cutie step-sibling. Of COURSE he knows it's wrong and of COURSE he's lying! And he's a 17 year old boy so of COURSE he's encouraging it & keeping it up.
It's not a matter of finding a way to control HIM... becasue you cannot do this and neither can your ex... the boy's parents are the only ones who can do this and as long as they think theyre being blamed for something they're going to defend him, as stupid as his defense is ("I didn't do it, someone else did those texts."... yeah... right)...
The only thing you AND YOUR EX can control is your daughter's behavior. The 17 year old is out of control because... he's 17... his parents are separated... the girl's mother is trying to convice the girl's FATHER to initiate the discipline of HIM, which is NOT going to happen... and he's SEVENTEEN. It's almost a given at that age that they cannot control thier hormones.... and if his parents refuse to, because they're being defensive or they're having communication problems of thier own or whatever reason... YOU have to control YOUR 14 year old.
If that means grounding her from events where he might be, then fine... if that means chaperoning anything you allow her to go to so that she doesn't talk to the kid or sneak off with him, then fine... if that means restricting her computer access and turning off the texting on her cellphone, then she will NOT die.
But she WILL learn, when Mom says "don't send lewd text messages", Mom means business.
It did work for my friend's daughter. She was FURIOUS that the boys involved didnt' get punished and she was FURIOUS that her parents didn't let her have free access to her computer and turned off her myspace page and put spyware on the comptuer. She INSISTED that she was going to DIE if she didn't have texting... but she lived through it and is getting straight As this year... at age 15 (HIGHLY motivated to stay on the straight & narrow so that she'll be allowed to drive when the time comes).
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fairlady
Bronze
Reged: 09/08/08
Posts: 45
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Thanks so much for your info . I understand and agree w/ your post . The only problem w/ my situation is that my ex is paying for my daughter phone ... not I . And my ex is NOT going to want to be the "bad cop" as our daughter is totally ticked off at him right now . So he's not going to want to do anything else that will make her mad at him .
I have already spoken to my ex and stated that the two are not to be around each other anymore . He did agree with that . But we will see how long that lasts .
BOY ! Don't things get complicated when hormones start a kicking in ! LOL Trying to keep my humor about all of this ....
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1264
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[quote] And my ex is NOT going to want to be the "bad cop" as our daughter is totally ticked off at him right now . So he's not going to want to do anything else that will make her mad at him . [/quote]
Problem is, sometimes kids need to get mad at parents for imposing restrictions. That's the parent's job. ALL kids get mad at their parents at one time or another. Failing to provide the proper parenting because you don't want your child to get mad at you can produce young adults with a lot of problems. young adults who haven't been provided with the proper tools to make good decisions. Young adults who think whatever they want to do is OK.
Kids need and want to be parented, whether or not they give you that impression. jmho
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fairlady
Bronze
Reged: 09/08/08
Posts: 45
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I would have already taken the phone away from her . IF it were I that paid for the phone . My ex paid for her phone and is paying her ph. bill . I can't take "his" things from her can I ? This is his way of contacting her w/o going through me I guess .....
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