MagneticNorth
Bronze
Reged: 07/16/08
Posts: 42
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Hi all, I've been reading the forum for a few weeks but am new to posting.
It looks like I will become a 'stepdad' soon, as my fiance has two children. She also has an abusive, threatening & controlling ex husband who has already attempted to threaten & intimidate me over my involvement with his ex.
He jerks her around over custody with the kids already (control issues), and I only expect it will worsen & be directed at me once I am there around the children.
Becoming a step dad is pretty scary to begin with and it looks like a rough ride with the ex in the picture. Any advice, stories, etc from those of you who have been in similar situations?
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3214
Loc: Florida
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Only suggestion I have is to stay out of it when it comes to directly dealing with her ex and support her behind the scenes instead. Don't speak badly about the ex in front of the children either however if there is something he is doing that is outright bad...meaning abusive to the kids...then make sure they know that the action is not proper.
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katiebear22
Silver
Reged: 11/04/06
Posts: 58
Loc: Texas
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I would also say be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. My husband's ex wasn't great when we were dating, but she became fully psychotic after we got married...
Also, remember that there are others who have been in your shoes and you can come here to vent or chat or get advice anytime. Sometimes just reading about everyone else's ordeals helps me put it all in perspective (as a step-parent or otherwise).
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"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
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MagneticNorth
Bronze
Reged: 07/16/08
Posts: 42
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Thanks for the two responses, I appreciate it.
Anyone else??
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JenH03
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 222
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The good news is that you already realize it will probably get worse after you get married. I say that because at least it won't come as a shock. Not that it's good that he'll get worse but there's really nothing you can do about that.
Some people's exes are just not going to get along no matter what the situation. My husband's ex acted at one time like the scorned woman when I came along, which was by no means the situation. She just dislikes me because I am with her ex, and it doesn't matter what kind of person I am. She doesn't even know me.
Focus on your fiance and the kids, and forget about him. He is your fiance's ex but he is really nothing to you. That is how I deal with my husband's ex. She is nothing to me and has no bearing on my life. She tries, oh believe me she tries, from telling me where I should get a job to telling my husband what he can and can't talk about with her mother, but ultimately, she does not get to make any decisions for us, except when it comes to the kids. And with that, my husband pretty much just takes the path of least resistance, to make things easier.
Be prepared to be the bigger person a lot, to suck it up a lot, and to bite your tongue a lot, but it will be worth it in the end because you can avoid a lot of conflict that way. Realize that you cannot control what he does, but you can control how you react to what he does.
Good luck to you!
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1043
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I was a stepmom to my stbx's 3 kids. They were placed with us as teenagers, full time, in an emergency type situation, and lived with us until they went off on their own. He didn't have much visitation with them (while I knew him) for the previous 6 years.
I didn't agree with my stbx's parenting techniques. Punishments didn't fit the crime. He was overly strict. I wasn't arguing with his x, I was arguing with him. But, I felt like it wasn't my place to tell him how to discipline HIS kids, even though they were living in MY house. It was a strange situation. Turns out, all the kids ended up moving out as soon as they were old enough and able just to get away from him. It was a completely dysfunctional household.
My advice to you is to be the best father you can to your step kids. They will need much, much love and attention to get through the ordeal. My step kids thank me for being there for them when their mother disappeared from the picture. And, for being the calm constant in their impressionable lives. They've said I'm more like their mother than their birth mother. Keep the kids' welfare in your mind. Not who's doing what to whom. Be their safety net. Ignore the x's rude comments. as Sarah1014 said today
Don't argue with idiots. They will take you down to their level and then beat you with experience. (thanks Sarah1014)
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2279
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anytime
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1243
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We both became step parents so we took a step peranting class together. One word of encouragement. My brothers new wifes X was pretty far out there because of drinking. My brother was concerned but after the wedding the X stopped drinking (a year now) and he and my brother are good friends. Same for my step-daughters dad and I.
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eiram
Gold
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 102
Loc: Indiana
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wow. my X is the controlling man that tries to intimidate me and my husband. my husband has never talked to or dealt with my X in anyway. i leave him out of the equation. also, i do not involve my X's g/f or try to talk to her in anyway. anything that deals with the children are dealt with me and my X. not thru our significant others.
it will only get worse before it gets better. then sometimes is goes back to the worse. (my hubs and i have been dealing with my X in this roller coaster for over 6 years) give your fiance the support to help her thru these trying times and you be her rock and sounding board.
this message board is a great place for information also if you need advice. good luck!
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to my ex - what goes around, comes around. you'll get yours...
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MagneticNorth
Bronze
Reged: 07/16/08
Posts: 42
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[quote]I was a stepmom to my stbx's 3 kids. ...
...be the best father you can to your step kids. They will need much, much love and attention to get through the ordeal. [/quote]
I think I will be able to do that pretty well. At least I wont be like the ex (their dad) hurting them to get at her. He would shake them, push them down and curse at them.
[quote]my husband has never talked to or dealt with my X in anyway. i leave him out of the equation[/quote]
I wonder if I can do that. Her ex yells at her, curses her out and knows how to push her buttons & hurt her feelings and does so at every opportunity. I don't know that I can let some cowardly jerk continue doing that to her.
With her permission, I may ask him to deal with me only rather than let her be subjected to it. Or set up a no contact rule with email being the only allowed contact method. I just can't see letting someone attack my wife for years.
Chatterbox - where can you find step parenting classes? I haven't seen anything like that locally. Where do you look to find them?
Thanks all.
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