Divorce Support Forums: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?

You have done everything for her for a very long time, including being her only social network. Divorce means you will no longer have to be her everything, but that doesn't mean you have to be mean about it. You simply have to separate. You've given her all the possible ways of reaching out or doing right, and she refuses, so simply do what you need to do in order to maintain your own sanity, and understand that it won't be easy for her but that she has other outlets if she chooses to take them (the laptop, phone calls from friends or family, etc.)

Hey, from what I gather, she does not get out on her own, so I suggest you simply stop BUYING the cigarettes that are killing you & her and the cat (and probably the value of your home for resale), and when she complains don't respond. If she wants stuff badly enough, she'll find a way that won't involve you, and that will give her at least one contact with the outside world (if only to find the local convenience store's delivery service).

YOu start going out and seeing friends... find a support group if you want, or go to a local gym & lift weights... do something healthy even if your first instinct is to find a smoky dirty tavern and drink yourself into oblivion (drinking makes the emotional stuff harder to deal with, so it's better to cut back if you're a drinker, while you're going through divorce) and the only thing you need to do is to make certain she is not left in a physically dangerous situation (if she needs 24 hour care, find a relief nurse for you to get away until you can get her into a nursing home).

My advice for you if you want to be NICE to her is the same as my advice if you were wondering if you shoudl be MEAN... be cordial, take care of business, and let her figure out her own emotional needs and let HER take care of her own emotional needs. You can't do it any more and ...

well, frankly, a person saying they want to get divorced, who is focused on trying to HELP the person they're divorcing, is really no help at all. The more you stick around, the more contact, the worse it gets. It's ... dare I say arrogant... to believe that you are the best person to help her get over you ... and for you to stay in her life, to remain her main social outlet during this time... actually hurts her more than it helps.

Read some of the threads on "no contact" to find out why.

I know "no contact" is an impossibility for you for a while, for whatever reasons you've decided that it is impossible (you better believe it would be possible if she picked up the phone and accused you of violence... all of a sudden, you'd be out and all your concern about her not being able to fend for herself without you would be worthless... take a read at any of "confused&Sad"s early posts)... truly, it's a bit naive?... arrogant?... I don't knwo how to describe it... arrogantly naive??? to believe that it will take months for something to work out that you and she can be separate, but since you believe that... at the very least, recognize that she WILL have to figure out how to handle being left, without your help, because by definition, your help just makes her more pathetic, it just makes it impossible for her to figure out how to get along without your help.

You cannot do THIS part for her. You NEED to leave her alone to work out her own emotional response to your announcement that you're leaving, and to find her own support group. You might be surprised at how quickly she'll find family and friends to help her out. Heck, you might want to warn them, let them know that she's going to need some support soon because you've decided that caregiver is not something you can continue with, (for so many reasons you can't possibly explain them all to her family), and that through counseling you've told her this, but that she's not done a single thing to resolve your issues so you're leaving and she might need some support in the near future. THAT would be about the ONLY thing I'd consider doing, and not letting it become a long discussion where they try to change your mind or ask for details, just say you don't want to say all the bad stuff and just want to move on and find a way for her to move on, and in doing that you just wanted to let them know what was up in case she reached out to them for help... etc., etc... you CERTAINLY don't want to get into a situation where you are explaining all your reasons for leaving to them and it will necessarily feel like you are trashing her to them.

But after that, you'll have done EVERYTHING possible to give her a connection to the outside world so she will have emotional support other than you, and after you do that, you NEED to let her deal with this without you.