Divorce Support Forums: Would you do a prenup

Absolutely, and I have a prenup. my parents don't have to worry that any money they give me will ever end up in the hands of my husband's ex because she has figured out a way to sneak it out of us for the sake of the kids... if I give to the kids its of my own free will and not because I didn't have a prenup.

When I die, my half of our community estate goes first to him for his lifetime, but then to my brother's son... and NOT to my husband's kids unless I choose to change that in my will.

In a yours-mine-ours setup, it's almost vital to have a prenup. Do you REALLY want your adult kids losing out of inheritance because his kids are under the age of 18 at the time you pass away? Or maybe your separate and adult kids in college lose out on inheriting becasue your child in common is under 18 at the time?

If you've been an adult for a while, you may have accumulated some property. It would be NICE to be able to use your life savings to ... well, maybe put a down payment on a house for the two of you... but if you do that without a pre-nup or contract explaining it, then what you are doing is donating your life savings to him (or whoever decides to come in and claim it against him... an ex... a parent or sibling if he dies... a kid who may not care for you, the stepparent... or even a stranger who sues him for unknown reasons).

My husband's family owned a company when he married his ex. THe family ownership agreement required each of them to risk thier assets in furtherance of the company's best interests. If they did not invest thier personal assets in the business then they could not own it. They were so sure it would be a good investment that they all agreed to this. His ex, however, refused to agree. She believed she shoudl get a share just by marrying into it and she should never have to risk her own money (she had none, but she wanted to keep her own earnings separate and call it her own)... She wanted the benefits of owning it without the risks. That was not an option. You either totally bought into it or you didn't own it. Since she refused ot sign a prenup, so he had to sell his share of the business back to his parents before they got married.

In the end, it was for the best. After 20 years in business (and just before the divorce) the business got sued and all the OTHER family members who were still part of it had to declare bankruptcy. Thier houses are in foreclosure and the only reason they've still got places to live is the tangle of creditors can't figure out who gets the money once the houses sell (IF the houses ever sell, which has been a problem also). This lawsuit hit some of them at retirement age. Continuing to work is not an option. They're very lucky that they had been able to protect some of their retirement/pension assets from bankruptcy through some sort of account they set up for themselves, but it's a tiny amount and they're going to be living in near poverty through thier retirement. Yes, for a long time they lived a high life...

(As it turns out, the ex never saw the fact that she was protected from this bankruptcy... it seems she thought she'd met a rich man with a rich family and when he sold back his share of the business she was furious with him, and from the honeymoon on she vowed to get even with him for it. Demanding a divorce on a regular basis, treating him like dirt. For the first several years apparently he tried to make it up to her... and he felt she couldn't be serious... no one could seriously be that angry at not getting a free ride in life just for getting married... but apparently she was... as she never let up. They had kids and she repeatedly demanded that he should earn more money... she held the kids over his head like little ATM machines that would work for her and repeatedly threatened divorce, telling him where to send his paycheck when he left... She seemed to feel no embarassment at acting so nasty, even to the point of jumping him and hitting, biting, etc., from behind on a regular basis till she figured out that this didn't hurt him at all and he could be hurt worse by her using the kids... Even when they divorced, she demanded an unbeleiveable amount of money as alimony despite that she earns a respectable salary, herself... suggesting that his family still had all this money and he could live off them... refusing even to believe that his family had declared bankruptcy (even though this is public record). It's a little crazy. The money-grubbing she went through, and apparently felt the RIGHT to go through... because she refused to sign a pre-nup.

And now he's married to me. And they have kids. And she's working really hard to make the kids hate me.

DO YOU THINK I'd EVER allow a dime of my hard-earned life savings... a DIME of my PARENT"S hard-earned life savings... to go to HER? NOT A CHANCE. I married HIM and HE gets the benefit of living with the advantages that my life savings can get him... but SHE will NEVER get it. The prenup protects me from her... protects my parents' earnings from her... keeps things separate for us and our heirs if something happens to us or the marriage even if I choose to use it to give us a nice life.

There may come a time when I feel charitable enough towards his children that I'd like them to have my stuff if I pass away. But NOW... with the attitudes they show towards thier Dad with their mother egging them on? Not a chance.

And if I didn't have anything before I married him... if he didn't have anythign before he married me... I'd STILL want a prenup. I'd want it CLEAR that we were dividing up our assets 50-50 if anything happened to the marriage in normal circumstances. I'd want to spell out that if someone cheated and THAT ended the marraige, taht the assets would THEN be divided 80-20 in favor of the one cheated upon... I'd want to spell out that if we had kids and neither of us ever abused the kids or moved more than an hour away, that we would share their time 50-50. I'd want to make certain any gifts or inheritances that I got from my parents would be used as THEY wanted rather than as my hsuband watned if something happened to me.

Prenups are not as awful as people think they are. They can show your partner that you love them, that you will give up STUFF if you dare to cheat... that you will trust them as a full-fledged parent of the kids and work to keep things amicable if you split. THey can show your spouse that you intend to not use thier money for your own fun, or their parent's money...

No, it's not the sexy part of romance... but it's an important thing to discuss finances, and a pre-nup can and should be part of that discussion more often than not. I mean, unless you're both 18 years old, have no kids from previous marriages, have no parents giving you money or potentially giving an inheritance... then great... walk down the aisle in total sexy romantic lustful love with dreams of bouncing babies on your lap and sharing everything forever with no thought of death or divorce or lawsuits or ex-wives wanting your money or any other money issues... but for MOST people, a pre-nup is simply one of the less romantic aspects of figuring out how to merge your lives and prove taht you can trust each other.