nicas828
New
Reged: 06/20/07
Posts: 3
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I have a friend who has been married for about 12 years and wants to get out. He has 2 children that he wants to retain full custody of. He has fallen out of love with her due to her spousal negligence. He feels she does not make an effort to make the marriage work and has not for years. He, on the other hand, has tried many many times to make it work, i.e. vacations, romantic getaways, family getaways, and she just shrugs it off. She is very materialistic and seems to never be satisfied with what he has to offer. The problem is that his wife will not allow him to leave even though they both know the marriage is over. She has threatened him by saying that if he tried to leave, she will make sure that he will never be able to get or see his children and will pay a lot for child and spousal support. They both work but she has threatened to quit her job to make him pay. He is afraid to try to leave and never see his kids again so he stays living with his wife for the opportunity to wake up and take care of his kids every day, since she does not. He is the father AND the mother to those children. His fear is not living with his kids or not being able to wake up with them to care for them. His wife's mother had alot of money and both his wife and mother-n-law have exclaimed they are not afraid to use that money against him. He on the other hand has talked to several lawyers who feel they cannot help him due to his circumstances. His kids are 12 and 1. The most recent child was, of course, an accident, but he loves both his children very very much. Apparently, the lawyers feel that the law will side with her because of the small child. My friend also is fearful that she will lie and claim that he beats her and abuses her and will hurt herself to make it seem like he did it. I've suggested them both get counseling but she refuses only stating that "I will not leave because I know you will be happy without me." He has given up all hope and just is waiting for something to happen on her end where she will be the one to give in. He has had hundreds of conversations and arguments with her to try to convince her that separation and divorce is the best option. He has been sleeping on the sleeper sofa for 2 years now and has not had sex with her since the conception of the last child. He does not love her anymore nor feels the marriage will work out. He just wants to peacefully go their separate ways. I want to help him but I don't know what to suggest. Any thoughts?
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2209
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Your friend is in a pickle. You are correct about mom getting custody. From what I've read, most family law courts in IL are not father-friendly. From what you posted, I don't see anything that would prevent her from getting custody (it takes severe neglect or abuse).
Beyond that, he can leave, and will be entitled to 1/2 the marital estate, along with retirements being split. Alimony is based on many factors, and if they make close to the same income, it won't happen.
Unless she agrees to joint custody, he can expect what is known as standard visitation (every other weekend, and a mid-week visit). Child support for 2 is 28% of net income.
I would also be suspicious of the 1 year not being his.
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melanie14
Platinum
Reged: 03/11/06
Posts: 3058
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Hone3stly, she has him by the balls! Sorry.
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nicas828
New
Reged: 06/20/07
Posts: 3
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The first thing they did was a paternity test to verify the child was his. She has been caught cheating in years prior. It turned out to be his child.
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justBfair
New
Reged: 08/21/07
Posts: 16
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He probably won't get custody, the 12 yr old could probably decide, but kids generally choose mom if its a girl. Your friend isn't going to just wake up one day and be happy, he has to decide if leaving is worth the time he loses with the children, this is true. Lots of people stay in unhappy marriages like that, (I didn't). If he decides to leave, he should make sure he is prepared, does it on his terms and takes care of the kids during the seperation dispite no order for support is in place. The judge would look at this as a good faith effort, and besides, you could get stuck with retro-child support and that can stick you when your not ready for it. Take what is his before he leaves, he may not see another thing. Make sure his direct deposits are stopped before leaving. Live someplace cheap, and don't worry about alledged abuse, I think it may be common and without police reports, it could be obviouse that its not true. It's a long, hard battle, but just have him decide if its worth it. He will see his children.
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infinity386
Gold
Reged: 02/24/08
Posts: 131
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hmm its tough. he could take one or two approaches.
1. he could settle down into his unhappy marriage. He can create a fantasy world inside his marriage where only him and his kids exist. A place where the mother is just a minor obstacle that he has to deal with from time to time. Sounds tuff, but its possible. separate bedrooms help. If nothing else maybe he could go out and get a comfortable sofa. Sounds insane, but some times loosing your kids is too much to bear. Also because divorce in and of it self can be painful and last up to 5 years. In the case of the 1 year old he can be going back and forth to court for 18 years.
2. He can except the fact that he will loose everything. Divorce for men usually is not worth fighting. The best defense is usually to end it as quickly as possible. A good tactic is to not fight for anything, not even visitation. Just pay the guidelines upfront and get the divorce over as quickly as possible. Then break off all contact with x for about a year. Eventually the kids will scream bloody murder and she will fill compelled to let the father to see the kids. Either that or she will want some free time to herself and her family will be tired of baby sitting.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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To be totally honest - this story reeks of an affair. This sounds like a man who wants his cake and eat it too. It sounds like he is making up every reason possible why he has to stay at home, and why he cant leave his wife, while all the while he is at home loving his wife and children. The more excuses for one things the bigger the lie.
What woman on earth would shrug her husband off lavishing her with vacations and gifts and romance - especially if she is "materialistic" she would eat that up. Sounds more to me like he is saying - Look what a wonderful man I am, I do this and that and blah blah blah... to try and appeal to you.
His fear is that he doesnt want to divorce his wife and leave his family! AND the cake is too good, he doesnt want to give that up either, so hes seeing how long he can string that along.
And why "of course" was the most recent child an accident? because he said so? Id bet thats total BS. While I was pregnant with our 3rd child my STBXH told his GF that I was pregnant and that it was an accident, but I guarantee you that we were both quite overjoyed that I was pregnant all until the other woman came into his life.
Oh yeah and lawyers...lawyers want to fight for you and they want your money, they are not in the business of saying no thanks i dont want your money. And long drawn out custody battles with lots of court dates means more money to them, they see dollar signs, not the other way around.
He says he is just waiting for his wife to do something so that you dont pressure him to do something. As if his wife with a new baby is going to run to a divorce attorney. And even if she did at some point do that, its becuase he doesnt want to look like a bad guy to his family for leaving his wife and new baby.
You want to know what you can do to set your mind at ease? Pick up the phone and call his wife. I bet what she has to say is a complete 180 from what your "friend" is telling you.
Then tell her thank you and best wishes to you all. Hang up the phone and walk away. Dont ever look back.
Please prove me wrong, but Im pretty sure im right.
----------sigh....didnt look at the date on this post :X ok well just the same....
--------------------
You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
Edited by EmergeAnew (03/01/08 11:41 PM)
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