mysticmom
New
Reged: 01/20/06
Posts: 5
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I wonder if anyone would share their experiences in dealing with an X who is still extremely angry after 3 years and uses every opportunity to harass her husband (my boyfriend)? His kids are 17 and 13 year old boys who for 3 years have heard horrible things about their father, she has spared them none of her emotions, she has told them that he left "them" not "her"....the list goes on and on but I think you can get the gist of her mentality. His family and friends say she was never a pleasant person and they were very glad when he finally left her. I've heard nothing positive about her. I've tried to stay open minded knowing how painful divorce is but she continues to act irrationally and mean spirited...I came into the picture when he was divorced for 1 1/2 years. His sons do not want to have anything to do with me. It's making it difficult if not impossible for us to move our relationship on. We've had many successful outings or just hanging out for meals, etc., but then the tide will seem to turn. He is as baffled as I am as to how to proceed. We are together on the fact that we will proceed but I know it hurts him and he worries aboutlosing their affection, etc. Any thoughts or suggestions would be so welcome.....I'm 43, two kids, 18 and 12, divorced myself for 4 years.
Edited by mysticmom (01/20/06 03:58 PM)
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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Who do the boys live with? I would just be who you are and not try and convince them to like you...your relationship is with their dad and he needs to decide how he wants to handle this...he can have a relationship with them and one with you too...they need to respect you in his life and you need to respect them in his...the X has obviously done them a lot of damage and in time they need to figure things out for themselves...how serious is your relationship...do you live together...where do your kids live? take it one day at a time and make sure your boyfriend is being fair to you too and your place in his life...
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mysticmom
New
Reged: 01/20/06
Posts: 5
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Thanks for your response. I am divorced for 3 1/2 years and he for 2. Neither of us has tried to integrate anyone else into our lives like this. We both dated others before we met but they weren't necessarily introduced to the kids. We are very serious about each other and want to live together, at least, one day. So we are very keen to integrate our kids more into our relationship. Just have no experience with how, etc. So we're stumbling. I know it will work itself out and we both agree that our relationship has to have priority just as the kids needs do. I don't expect them to "like" me necessarily, just respect that I'm in their fathers life to stay. Their mother is very bitter and so has made it difficult for anyone to enter their fathers life. Patience is the key to all of this I suppose. I just thought that if there was some words of wisdom or pitfalls to avoid, etc., I'd like to know from someone's experience :) Thanks again...
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mysticmom
New
Reged: 01/20/06
Posts: 5
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Forgot to say that the kids live with him 1/2 of the month and their mother the other half.
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aznotcaldivorce
Platinum
Reged: 04/03/06
Posts: 440
Loc: Southwest
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Do the two live near each other to do the 1/2 month split? Aren't the boys old enough to figure it out? My stbx is very unpleasant. I have tried to be nice to him and he acts really weird, we were married for 20 years, he initiated divorce I am happy to give it to him it is a real relief to be away from the negativity, but kids are about the same ages as your boyfriend's and they can figure out who is a happy person and who is just no good to be around. I hope he can be more pleasant in the future but who knows. I think he likes being unhappy. The best thing is to keep to the high road and sooner or later the boys will realize it is better to be in a happy healthy place than in a bitter place.
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NeednHelp
New
Reged: 05/24/06
Posts: 4
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We are in an almost identical situation and it's taking its toll on me. I've been married to this wonderful man for 1.5 yrs. Have known him for 4. From day 1, the EX (who has custody of the 2 teen girls) has badmouthed their dad and myself to the girls. She has brainwashed them into believing lies. They have been divorced 11 yrs. She is STILL dating the man that she had an affair with that broke up the marriage. She tells the girls that this is not the same man. I am sure it's because she wants them to accept him. She is so bitter and there is absolutely no justification behind it. My husband is the most loving, gentle man, devoted husband and dad that I have ever known. Not a day has gone by that he doesn't call his girls and try to remain involved in their lives. The rejection he gets from them is so painful. The Ex actually told the girls to their faces that since their dad met me, THEY are no longer as important to him as they once were. What chance does that give ME when they have that hanging over their heads? It's all so very sad. We have done nothing but encourage healthy relationships for all sides. We suggested family counseling with the girls. The EX refused to allow us to use the medical insurance she carries on the girls. Says this is OUR problem. In my opinion, I think we could take her to court because she is legally denying medical care for them. I could write for days about how bitter this woman is. She did not have a successful relationship with her husband, so she seems to hang on to such bitterness. She feels no one else should have a relationship with him either I guess. Such a shame that she is hurting her girls like this. Hopefully one day they will open their eyes and see the truth. I think the EX is just shooting herself in the foot.
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