lilsam
New
Reged: 11/13/07
Posts: 11
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I just found this forum. I have been holding things in for so long now I just want to talk and get some advice.
My husband of 11 years tells me that we are nothing more than "roommates" at this point and he doesn't see things changing. He hasn't left me because he feels like he "owes" me. I put him through most of undergrad and all of grad school and now his income is 3x my income. He says he's been unhappy for as long as he can remember.
I know that I can be difficult to live with too but I'm asking myself why I keep crying and why I keep putting up with so much nonsense. My husband is irresponsible with money, self-centered, demanding, inpatient with me and basically doesn't feel that I can do anything right. We went through some tough times about 3 years ago - He partied a lot and came home with a hickey one night. He swears "nothing happened"... He straightened up after that and did make an honest attempt to make the relationship work but we have continued to have issues. I can't believe I stood by this man only for him to decide he's tired of me. No matter how hard things got, I stuck it out and loved him in spite of everything.
I've been sad and waiting for him to have a change of heart. I'm embarrased to admit that. I know that he feels guilty. He's not entirely a bad person but you get to a point where you've had enough and you start to see a person in a different light. I'm trying to work up the nerve to go to an attorney, get my act together and move on. I'm usually a fairly well put together person but lately I'm a wreck.
Advice?
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 186
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Everyone is hard to live with. Don't blame yourself. A common phrase on this forum is "checking out". Your husband has done that. The advice is obvious, and you probably already know it. Worry about your feelings, because right now he is only worrying about his. It doesn't sound like he's making you too happy, if he feels like he "owes" you financially, maybe he does. Right now he's definately not paying you back emotionally. Just know that you aren't alone. That doesn't mean that your feelings are trivial, it just means that you will get through with whatever happens. Be strong and figure out what YOU WANT, then work on making that happen. If you want someone to love and respect you, then demand it from your husband or file. Believe me I know it's easier said then done (its even pretty hypocritical on my part), but right now you are being manipulated, and until you stop allowing it, not only will things not change, but your feelings will be less and less important. Kids make it more complicated, (not sure if this is your case or not) but the best way to make our kids happy is showing them that it is possible to be happy, and giving them an example.
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ronnie515
New
Reged: 11/14/07
Posts: 1
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I have a similar challenge. My husband and I have been married for over 17 years, and although we are both still relatively young I know that we are and have been at the end for some time. My husband has stated that we have become “roommates” and he won’t live like that. My challenge is that he won’t leave. I used to worry and stress about trying to make him happy and I just don’t want to do it anymore.
We recently moved our family to another state following my company. We agreed that it was a good idea; however my husband has not been able to find suitable and comparable work. For months I have tried to stroke his ego and tell him its ok; however it doesn’t do any good. I know he is depressed about our situation and financially we are suffering, however our marriage has been in the dumps even before the move or financial problems. My husband recently advised me that he is looking for work where we used to live and quite frankly I welcomed the idea. However he has been flip-flopping from searching locally and back home. I really want him to go back and I also think it would be a better transition for our kids. But he won’t stick to it and I don’t know any other way to get him out of the house. Our marriage is over, but my husband won’t leave…HELP!
Ok, my situation may not be as similar to yours, but I didn't know where to start.
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lilsam
New
Reged: 11/13/07
Posts: 11
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Undecided 72 - I guess you are also in a "limbo" situation? You are undecided?
Ronnie 515 - Yes, Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Do you feel kind of like your husband is just refusing to be happy??
I feel like things got worse over this past year when I finally really started demanding more respect and started standing my ground more. I used to just let my husband have his way and now I fight more to get what I want rather than to always just give in. It seems that he's happiest when he's getting what HE wants and the eaiser thing to do is actually just to pacify him all the time. How sad is that, to not value my own wants and needs just as much?
We don't have children together. My daughter is 19 and left home. The problems I've had with her are a whole other story that I don't have the energy to go into at the moment. The issues with my daughter certainly haven't helped our marriage at all.
By the way, my husband now tells me he has wanted to have a baby off and on for quite some time now and has just recently decided to tell me about it.
I don't know why I haven't gone to the attorney yet. I guess I just have to be 100% sure - or keep "beating a dead horse" so to speak???
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lilsam
New
Reged: 11/13/07
Posts: 11
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p.s. Ronnie 515- I forgot to say that yes, our situations are similar because my husband says he's soooooooo unhappy yet refuses to leave. I've tried and tried to make him happy and I'm getting tired of it.
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