msty
Platinum
Reged: 11/16/07
Posts: 221
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My husband and I separated in June but have been trying to work it out. We each have our own place, and share custody of our four yr old. It has had it's ups and down. We started "dating" again and going to couples counseling in September. The counseling has been tough. I can't quite get over the past and all the F&*%ed up things he has done/said. I know I can't ever be happy with him until I accept his apology. He has apologized and wants to move forward but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, he's going to keep doing the same s&*.
We moved out to AZ to be closer to his family and so he could finish grad school. I stayed home and watched our daughter and finally went back to get my bachelors degree last year. I have no family here, very little friends. No one to talk to or call if I have a bad day. I tried to talk with my ex but he told me he can't be there for me, that he doesn't know what I want.
I don't know if I am being super vague about asking him to be there for me and be a shoulder I can lean on, it doesn't seem to vague to me, pretty specific, but it's like I am speaking another language.
Is he just using me for sex and blowing off the relationship aspect of being together?
Can I move forward in a relationship if I can't call him and talk about my day?
Every day I feel like it's getting worse and now counseling has just gotten horrible. We're fighting and it's like talking to a person who has no ears. He tells me he can only see me on the weekend, and during the week he doesn't want to think about us.
We're still married but I just can't take this anymore. I know it's unrealistic to expect us to be all good after a few months, but I can't help but feel that we aren't moving forward just moving in circles.
I don't know what to do now. This separation thing is so hard, I want to either be together or move forward but I feel like I am stuck.
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 3004
Loc: here
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Sorry your going through this and I believe in fighting for your mariage. It's great that you two are doing counseling. From my experience, and this is just me...maybe physical contact should be cut? It makes things more complicated and harder than it already is. If seperation is what is needed....then "seperate", to truely have time to think about things and figure out what the two of you need.
"He tells me he can only see me on the weekend, and during the week he doesn't want to think about us."
This seems a bit odd....does he have specific reasons?
I hope things work out. Good luck.
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"...And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses..."
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WittyUserName
Silver
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 61
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Sounds like you guys are in a classic "Mars vs. Venus" relationship. You feel the need to vent and use him as a sounding board. He views this as useless whining and would rather you focus on solving the problem instead of complaining.
I'd say the key is compromise. Vent to a girlfriend or your mother instead, unless it directly involves him or your child. Talk more about the positives with him, because the negatives will go in one ear and out the other.
It will be tough to find the right mix, but it can be done. Good luck!
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msty
Platinum
Reged: 11/16/07
Posts: 221
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Thank you both for your advice. The problem is I don't have a mother or a sister to vent to. I think I may pick up that Mars and Venus book this week to get some more insight. Another thing I have done was start individual counseling for myself. It is just too hard to do this all on my own.
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Everything now is as it should be.
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lilsam
New
Reged: 11/13/07
Posts: 11
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I think the counseling sounds like a good idea. I decided I am going to do that. I have some friends to talk to but quite honestly, I think I would rather go to a counselor to sort things out privately. I also find it helpful to read these posts on-line to gain a little more insight. I go back later and read things I wrote and that's kind of interesting too.
I've been where you are and I think I'm back there again now. I'm trying to focus on what I can do to build my strength back up. It's like all this emotional trauma in my marriage has sucked the life out of me. That may or may not be how you feel too.
Edited by lilsam (11/21/07 05:12 PM)
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