sadgirlinaz
New
Reged: 11/14/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Arizona
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Ok, I am very new to all of this, this is the first support forum I have ever joined!! My story: I am 32, have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 4 years. We have two boys, 3 ½ and 1 ½. When we met he was in the process of divorcing his first wife, they were married for 6 years, no kids. When we met, he was 28 and I was 24 (this is my first marriage). When we met, we fell in love immediately and felt like we were each other’s soul mates. We used to sit in my truck, listen to music, and just stare at one another, communicating without words (just typing this makes me want to cry). Anyways, about a year after we started dating, he stopped being loving, caring and attentive. He and his ex-wife had a lot of debt, and didn’t own any property so when we got together he had no assets and a crapload of debt. I didn’t have any debt, so when we decided to get an apartment together I was the one who ended up buying mostly everything. We moved into an expensive apartment, he bought a classic car that he wanted to restore, and devoted all of his spare time (and money) on the weekends to working on it, basically leaving me alone. He didn’t participate in planning for the future, I was the one who paid the bills, cleaned the house and worried about our financial future. Flash forward to 7 years and 2 kids later, we have a pile of debt (mostly his car, motorcycle, tool bills, car parts, etc.) are renting a house, have no savings. I have been thinking about divorce for about a year now. We have talked about our relationship several times, he has admitted that he emotionally “checked out” of our relationship a long time ago. His first marriage was emotionally damaging to him, they fought a lot and broke up and got back together a lot. He says he always thought he was the kind of person who only got married once, and the experience was emotionally draining for him. Since we met so quickly after they finally split, he never got the time and space he needed to heal. I understand all of this, but it has been 8 years!!! Now his 2nd marriage is in danger. He admits he knows he needs to do better, and has been making some positive changes (helping w/housework, making phone calls that he would have left for me to do, etc.). But that is still not good enough for me. It seems like the more effort he puts forth the less satisfied I am. He tells me that I can’t expect him to be perfect overnight, but damn it, I have been waiting 7 years for him to pull his head out of his a**!
I want a partner, someone I can talk about the future and plan with. I have a college degree, a good paying job, and recently took on a second job to help pay off debt. He has no education, changed careers (after 15 years in the same industry) and subsequently took a pay cut. He has a part time job working for his parents but he never gets the hours in that he needs to really make a financial difference.
All that said, he is a great father to our kids, and is very involved with their lives. I am torn on what to do. Our sex life is practically non-existent, I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t respect him and therefore am not attracted to him. I honestly don’t want to get divorced but I can’t live this way any longer. Has anyone else came from a similar situation and got the love back?
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Solorider
Platinum
Reged: 02/23/07
Posts: 707
Loc: At the bottom of the bucket.
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Tell him to get some counseling along with getting another job...either full time or part time. He's dragging you down just like he did in his other marriage. Tell him to shape up or ship out. I know it's tough but just think where you're gonna be in another 5 or 10 years if you and he don't do something. He needs to get his sh&t together and now! If he doesn't, then you need to get on with your life....and have a good one cuz it sounds like you deserve it!!
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ATVILLAS
Platinum
Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 2501
Loc: West Palm Beach FL
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sadgirl, sorry you are at a place where you need a forum like this, but welcome, if you have the patience there will be many here that will come and help you through this dilema.
Seems as tho you got into a rebound relationship, I did to.
Can't help alot but I will say that I got into a comfort zone and forgot how I got there! The main reason my wife asked me to leave.
You are young and have many years ahead of you. It would bbe nice if you and your hubby could do some sort of councilling together to both understand what you have created (the kids)and what was important when you first got together. We go through times of complacency and need someone to give our heads a shake.
I hope you can both somehow work this out, divorce is not always the best alternative.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2274
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I'll take just a few parts of your post:
1)has been making some positive changes (helping w/housework, making phone calls that he would have left for me to do, etc.). But that is still not good enough for me. It seems like the more effort he puts forth the less satisfied.
This is your issue, then.
2)Our sex life is practically non-existent, I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t respect him and therefore am not attracted to him.
This is also your issue.
3)I want a partner, someone I can talk about the future and plan with. I have a college degree, a good paying job, and recently took on a second job to help pay off debt. He has no education, changed careers (after 15 years in the same industry) and subsequently took a pay cut. He has a part time job working for his parents but he never gets the hours in that he needs to really make a financial difference.
You married him, fully aware of his financial abilities. From your post, there is no possibility, no matter what job he takes, of living up to your expectations. Again, this is your issue.
He has issues.....but you both need counseling, separately and together.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 307
Loc: NM
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sad,
OK, I am just gonna be the mean girl that I am. From your post, I got that you think he is below you from you saying you have a degree and he doesn't. Since you mention that in the post, he probably feels like you think you are better than him. I have always made more than my hubby but not because of a degreee, so I have dealt with this. I sought counseling, you gotta look into yourself. I am trying, try with me another day?
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healing heart
Gold
Reged: 08/10/07
Posts: 124
Loc: Pennsylvania
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Hi welcome to the forum. Sorry you are at a point in your life that you needed to seek us out.
I don't usually reply to a lot of posts on here but yours did hit home with me to some degree so I wanted to give you my input. Take it for what it's worth but please don't take offense to what I say...
You talk about partnership and planning for the future. Because you have the education and higher earning capacity, the financial responsibility in this relationship will probably always be yours to the greater extent. You knew this when you met him and he no education, no assets and a pile of debt. At the time you were in love, had met your soul mate and so none of that really mattered. After all when we are sitting in the glow of a new and exciting relationship it seems like no obstacle is to great to overcome. Fast-forward to eight years later and his lack of ability to advance himself financially is now a source of discontent for you. It probably is for him as well because I can only imagine what it must feel like to be in your mid 30's and come to the realization that you are stuck in a financial dead end. Without the education he can only expect to ever reach certain degree of financial success. Without the financial resources he can never expect to further his education. That seems like a very unhappy place to be in life. But you are not in the same position...you have many options and I am sure that you have not even begun to meet your full earning potential yet. Your financial future looks bright and hopeful...BUT in the current situation...he is never going to be your equal in this arena. Can you accept this and be happy? There is no correct answer to this question, but you need to be honest with yourself and find the answer.
You say that he has been making some positive changes in helping with day-to-day responsibilities but that this is still not good enough for you? You need to ask yourself if perhaps this is all he is capable of doing and if he will ever realistically be able to meet your expectations. You seem to have a lot of resentment that it has taken so long for him to begin to realize that he needs to step up and take more responsibility in this relationship. Its good that the two of you have been able to talk about this and that you are able to be honest with each other about how you are both feeling. You say he stated that he had emotionally "checked out" a long time ago. He is now making more of an effort but this is still not enough. How are you emotionally? Have you "checked out" as well? If so then his efforts alone will never be enough to make this relationship work. Again...you need to take a long look at your own expectations and ask yourself if he will ever be able to meet them. You need to be honest with yourself and know what you are able to live with.
It sounds like maybe you are feeling like you have outgrown your husband and he is never going to be able to meet your standards and expectations. What does he need to do to regain your respect? Your almost non-existent sex life is due to your inability to feel attracted to him anymore. Do you ever worry that he may sense this and begin to look elsewhere for the respect and intimacy that is so lacking right now? All human beings have a need to feel desired and loved. If neither of you are getting that then the risk of infidelity becomes great despite any high moral standards you each may have. Can the two of you find a way back to each other? Can you look back to what made this relationship so special in the beginning and regain some of that. Can you ever be happy with just listening to music and staring in to each other’s eyes? If there anything left you the two of you to communicate to each other "without words" and do you still feel like this is your soul mate? Ask yourself all these questions and really search deep inside for an honest answer.
You got involved with a man who was going through a divorce and this makes you a rebound relationship for him. You gave him a safe place to land during a very difficult time in his life. Has he just stuck around because it is safe for him and it is easier than making it on his own? Can he ever make it on his own? If not then I can see why you would be losing respect for him after the excitement and newness of the relationship had worn off. Maybe this is also why he decided to check out emotionally as well. Is being a good dad who is involved and active enough to make you happy in this relationship? So far this was the only real positive thing you have said about this guy. Good father does not equal good husband (he may be a good man but not the right match as a life partner for you). Remember that kids grow up and move on but your spouse is the one you will have to spend the rest of your life with. Will this be good enough for you once the kids have moved on?
I do not say this as criticism of you in any way, but as others have already stated...if you are unhappy than this is your issue. It may sound like I am encouraging you to divorce this man and that could not be further from the truth. I am, however encouraging you to seek out counseling for yourself if you cannot honestly answer the questions I have presented to you. You need to be honest with yourself first and then the solution will become clear.
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Adversity doesn't build character, it allows us to display the character we already have.
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sadgirlinaz
New
Reged: 11/14/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Arizona
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Wow, I really appreciate all of you who have taken the time to read my story and offer advice. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I don’t take offense from anything anyone has posted in regards to my situation. However, I do want to clarify a few things:
I do not look down on my husband (or think that I am better than him) because I have a college education and he doesn’t. There are a lot of successful people in this world who don’t have a college degree; subsequently there are people who have a degree who aren’t successful. He is a smart man; he just never had the desire to apply his smarts academically. When we met I was going to college, and I only finished my business degree last year. I juggled working full time, raising 2 kids and going to school at the same time. It wasn’t easy.
I don’t have the desire to be rich. I just want what most people want: to own a house, save and plan for retirement, go on a vacation once a year, and be able to raise (not spoil) my children. I don’t dream of a big house and fancy cars. Like Healing Heart posted (and thank you for being so intuitive, your post means a lot to me) I knew when I met him that he had no education, no assets and a pile of debt. I was in love, had met my soul mate and so none of that really mattered. We were sitting in the glow of a new and exciting relationship it seemed like no obstacle is too great to overcome. And I thought that we were in it together, forever.
What I did expect him to do is to grow as a person. I assume that as people age they become more mature and begin to think about retirement, paying of debt, etc. This is where he let me down. In the beginning of our relationship I understood that we were building a life together and that takes time. But over the years he “checkout out emotionally” and now I have too.
I don’t know if he can meet my expectations. I don’t think my expectations are very high or out of the ordinary. I should add that he was somewhat reluctant to get remarried. I always knew that I wanted to marry him, and I don’t want to say that I forced him to marry me, but he didn’t propose the traditional way, we just decided to get married. We had a beautiful (but not too extravagant) wedding. Looking back, I know he wasn’t ready. He just didn’t have the balls to say anything.
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healing heart
Gold
Reged: 08/10/07
Posts: 124
Loc: Pennsylvania
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I'm glad you didn’t take offense by what I said because it was really meant with the best of intentions. You see...when I read your post the feelings you expressed were just like I was feeling after several years of marriage. Your situation is almost identical to what mine was (except it was a first marriage for both of us) and like you; I never thought my expectations were too high.
You said that you did expect him to grow as a person and for me that was the same expectation when I got married. We were young (age 21) when we married…in love and had the whole world at our feet. I knew that my education would always put me in the position of being the higher earning spouse, but I was ok with that because he was a hard worker and a good man. Like your spouse, my husband was not stupid…he just never had the desire to continue his education after high school. I began to lose respect for him when he made the choice to turn down opportunities to learn a better paying trade or to advance himself. It seemed almost like he was happy to remain stuck in a dead end job with no future or opportunity for growth. He also was irresponsible with his spending habits and constantly complained that we never had enough money.
By the time I was 30 I can clearly remember being alone with my husband and having nothing to talk about anymore unless it involved the kids. I had evolved in to a totally different person…more mature with goals and dreams. He was still the same guy I married who could be comfortable living paycheck to paycheck and never really getting ahead. I thought of the future while he only lived for the moment. He was also a good father…very involved with our kids and their athletic activities. He was the fun guy while I took always care of business…for that I resented him deeply.
I have always been very independent and knew that I could do fine (probably better) financially without him, but I also had a deep need to be in a relationship due to my own emotional insecurity. No matter how empty the marriage had become I still held fast my sense of identity as his wife. He did cheat on me several times and I stayed in the relationship for a long time due to my own insecurity. This was my issue…I never forced the issue of counseling and this was my mistake. Instead I just grew more and more resentful of him and checked out emotionally but never had the guts to end the relationship. I think that I still loved him on some level, but there was no trust or respect left in our marriage for a long time due to the infidelity.
Finally after 15 years and several affairs (his affairs), both emotional and physical, I gave him an ultimatum. He left because that was the easier thing to do. I do not know if we could have ever saved our marriage with counseling and hard work because he had also checked out and by then was as miserable as me. I will also add…in fairness…that I was so angry and had no respect left for him which made me a real [censored] to live with. By the time we separated I truly hated him and a lot of angry and hurtful things took place between us. To think we started out so young and in love...it still makes me sad to see that we both allowed the relationship to die and never really fought to save it.
Now three years later I am a totally different place in life. I have a renewed sense of self-worth. I know now that I am intelligent, interesting and beautiful single woman. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves me completely and will not betray me. Now I can look back and be thankful that he walked away from the empty marriage that I may have never had the guts to leave. Although he went about it the wrong way and took the path of a coward, the end result has been the best thing that ever could have happened to me.
I am telling you my story so you can see that often things have a way of working themselves out in the end. I never thought I would be divorced but now I can see what I would be missing out on if I was still married, so for me it has been a happy ending. I wish you peace of mind and wisdom as you sort out your own marriage. And most of all I wish you happiness for the future.
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Adversity doesn't build character, it allows us to display the character we already have.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 307
Loc: NM
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Great post healing heart. It is sometimes very hard to decide whether to fight or flight, you made some great points for both sides.
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sadgirlinaz
New
Reged: 11/14/07
Posts: 5
Loc: Arizona
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Healing Heart, thank you so much for sharing your story. You brought tears to my eyes. Our stories are very, very similar. I can totally identify with the deep feelings of resentment and hurt. I, too, am not very fun to live with either because of my anger and hurt. I don’t like the person I am anymore. I used to be a happy, optimistic person, now I am mainly negative and have a problem seeing the bright side of things. Although my husband has never cheated on me (nor have I on him) he has hurt me nonetheless.
We have tried counseling a few times, but never seemed to click with the counselor. I was the one who found both counselors, and got sick of trying to find a new one. He agreed we should go but never helped me find a new counselor.
I also know that I can do better financially without him. His paycheck barely covers the payments on his toys – his historic car, his motorcycle, tool bills, etc. My paycheck pays the rent, utilities, and put most of the food on the table. Being alone doesn’t scare me – in fact – I welcome getting to know myself again and trying to repair my battered soul.
The biggest thing holding me back from filing is my children. Neither of us are the product of divorce, so I have no first hand experience on the effect on divorce for children (I guess I should be thankful for that). My parents and family live in Alaska (I do have one sister who lives nearby) but all of his immediate family live in the same town as we do. In fact, his mother watches our children while we work (we wouldn’t be able to pay for childcare otherwise). I love his family and we are very close. Our divorce would be devastating to them. His parents are aware we are having problems, and know he has his shortcomings. His parents, especially his dad, feel divorce is not an option because of the kids. His dad is a Vietnam vet, and quite frankly, treats his mom like a doormat. I sometimes think that part of my husband’s problem is that he doesn’t respect women because he grew up watching his dad treat his mom like crap.
I think I know what I need to do. My husband and I are mellow people, and I know (ok, I hope) is doesn’t get nasty. No major assets to fight over, just the kids. We both love them so much and want to do the best for them. Isn’t the best think we can do for them is to show them how a happy, healthy relationship should be? I don’t want my boys to grow up to be crappy husbands.
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