StillInLove
New
Reged: 11/25/07
Posts: 9
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Here's my story: a few weeks ago my husband told me he wants a divorce. we dated for 6 years, and got married in the summer of 2004. We are best friends, and each other's first love. We care deeply about each other, and he says that he "fell out of love" with me. At first I cried hysterically and tried to talk to him, but I've stopped that. Now I let him have his space and am trying to accept the fact that he wants out of this marriage. But I honestly think it is ridiculous to give up on a marriage without even trying to work it out. We never fight, and like I said we both really care about each other. But we have become distant, and have began leading separate lives. He feels like we are still young, and he thinks he "needs to do this" now while we can both start fresh. He keeps saying that we are different, which we are because he is very manly (into sports, beer, poker) and I'm pretty girly (into arts, crafts, shopping). I think it is a big mistake to quit so easily - he won't try counseling, and even though I give him all he space he needs, I don't think that is helping either. How did some of you finally realize to stop trying? I've come a long way from where I was several weeks ago - I could barely get out of bed before, and now I've just begun to accept that he wants out. But when do you know to give up hope and move on?
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2353
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It sounds like he has already thrown in the towel. Could he have another woman? I'm drawn to believing so. I would cash in now.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1306
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when I came home and everything was gone
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StillInLove
New
Reged: 11/25/07
Posts: 9
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The thought of him cheating has crossed my mind so many times, but he insists that he does not. What's more confusing is this: he told me he will take it slow (the divorce process) and wait for me to tell him when I'm ready for the next step. Last week I told him I am ready to sleep in separate rooms, but every night he still comes to the same bed. It's like he doesn't understand what a divorce really is. He keeps saying he wants to remain friends, and he even started talking about getting back together in the future (ie in a few years after he has time to himself). It is so confusing, and is so hard.
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judylee
Platinum
Reged: 10/19/07
Posts: 299
Loc: Indiana
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I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare. I have to concur with Sarah about another woman. Most men don't admit there is one until they're caught. It's some kind of a weird guilt/denial thing. Stop thinking about him and do what's right for you. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too but it's not fair for you to be kept in limbo.
Be good to yourself!
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2353
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He's just trying to let you down easy. I'd cash in.
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GuinnessGirl
Platinum
Reged: 06/01/07
Posts: 355
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I hate to agree because it can be so disheartening when you are still hoping there is hope but Sarah is right.
He is trying to ease his conscience by being the "nice guy". I also have to agree that he probably has someone else. It may be so totally hard to believe but experience has taught me that even the person you trust the most can misplace that trust.
In my mind (and based on my own experience), the reason he is giving you the line that maybe you can get back together at a later time is that is not so sure about the other woman. He wants guarantees and he's not sure where he can get them. I know that sounds harsh but that's exactly what my ex told me when we were supposedly trying to fix things.
I would never tell someone not to try but you have to know what is in your control and what is not. His feelings and plans are not in your control so take some back.
Good luck and come here often for the support you're going to need.
--------------------
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails -Bertha Calloway
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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The bedroom issue bugs me, he may be cheating as that is a guilt thing to you. He has to stay until you let him go. I don't like to think about that.
Divorce is an easy word to say, but not a easy act to follow thru. Try your best hun, talk to him, talk to him deep and hard! Marriage gets boring, it happens to all of us, the key is getting past that. Mix it up, shake it up, smile and have sex! Talk, talk, talk!!
Best wishes to you, not trying to minimize your problems.
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lilsam
New
Reged: 11/13/07
Posts: 11
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I feel like I can really identify. Mine is being the same way to me. He has been saying we're just roommates now and his effort is minimal. But he won't leave and when I say I'm ready just to go file he gets kind of freaked out and talks me out of it. It's an emotional roller coaster because one minute you're getting clear signals that they want out and the next minute you're getting a different kind of signal. At first I thought the counseling would help our relationship but I don't know if it can. However, I do believe that if nothing else, the counseling is helping to get to the bottom of things. Even if that doesn't help the marriage, it may help you to both get peace of mind that you tried everything you could and give you some insight that would be helpful to you to learn from your own mistakes and become a stronger person- that's what I've started to think anyway. The cheating thing has crossed my mind in both your case and in my own. If there isn't cheating, there seems to be at least the "idea" of someone else. Mine acts like he doesn't want to hurt me also. It's just as bad though.
Edited by lilsam (11/26/07 07:44 AM)
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regularguy
Platinum
Reged: 08/10/07
Posts: 221
Loc: RI
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From a guy's perspective, he either has another woman or is craving bachelorism (if that's a word) - the ability to "date" several woman and get that out of his system. That is why the reference to getting back together again and since it sounds like you have been together from a young age and he wasn't able to experience some care free casual single years. Judylee, the not admitting to having something on the side, isn't limited to guys.
Not being receptive to counseling is a sign that he has thrown in the towel, my stbx was the same way, shows me a level of relative low importance. Having separate interests isn't necesarily a bad thing and I feel it can be healthy to a certain extent, it allows you to maintain your individualism while being in a marriage. Having some common interests is important also.
I would push him on the counseling and use that as a litmus test as to his interest in your marriage.
SIL, best of luck. Sorry you are here and I know it isn't easy.
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