euroman
New
Reged: 12/06/07
Posts: 2
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Hello all,
I am new here, and am currently in a difficult situation which is causing me a lot of grief, so I thought that I would post about it. I am not looking for pity, but any honest advice would be appreciated. It is not easy to write your most intimate secrets here, but I will be honest in describing the situation.
I have been married now for over 20 years (no kids). My wife and I have gradually grown apart, which is certainly as much my fault as it is hers, and our marriage has been gradually deteriorating over the last few years, so that we argue frequently and our sex life is nonexistent. About a year ago I began an affair with another woman, and we have become very close, as we share many interests and get along very well. I finally got up the courage to tell my wife about this, and we are now discussing whether or not we should get divorced. She is surprisingly understanding and tells me that she would like to give things one last try. We have tried counselling in the past, and I am talking to a therapist now, so we have been down those routes.
I am torn about what to do. After 20 years I feel deep affection for my wife, and hate the idea of hurting her further by breaking up. Even though the other woman and I get along very well, I am still a bit scared of starting something new with her, given my failed marriage. Even if my wife and I try to make it work, I am quite sceptical that there is much chance of succeeding. At least my confession has caused my wife and I to finally start talking openly to each other in a way we have not done in years. The present situation is fair to no one, and is causing me great feelings of guilt and fear.
I have no idea how this all sounds. Undoubtedly much of this is my fault, but at this point I am not interested in who is to blame, rather I am trying to sort out what the best course of action is. Thanks to everyone who reads this and sends their thoughts.
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ssrachel
Platinum
Reged: 05/23/07
Posts: 2117
Loc: a better place :)
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good thing you are not looking for pity. no matter what the circumstances are that brought you to a certain point in your marriage, there is no justification for cheating. you should have ended the marriage before starting with this other woman.
you said: "Even though the other woman and I get along very well, I am still a bit scared of starting something new with her, given my failed marriage" by your own admission, you already started something with her.
if you and your wife can work this out...wonderful...but be prepared for a long, long road. it is not going to be easy and it requires work and counseling.
best of luck to you.
kat
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What you reap is what you sow and so it goes...
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 743
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I'm not going to give pity nor am I going to beat you up either, you made a mistake. You know what that makes you? Human. That probably sounds weird to some here coming from me, I was cheated on and it is currently slowly killing me as I travel the divorce road and would do anything to reverse this course, but that is for another post.
You are in a new relationship (yes, a year is only a second in the grander scheme) and of course it feels wonderfull but unless you find out why you and your current wife are having difficulties you will be doomed to the dame fate/
I said in another post something like: At one time you loved your wife enough at one time to stand in front of friends and family and vow to cherish her forever, better or worse, etc etc....guess what you are in the worse phase and it's time to fix it.
Ideas to think about if you want to save the blessing that is your marriage.
First you have to stop seeing the other woman, noone deserves that treatment and nothing good will come from you keeping that realtionship. Tell your wife you love her and have given up the other so that you can work on the marriage, it has to be your idea so do it now before she asks you to.
You have been married for 20 years so you obviously care for this person, focus on what you like rather than the arguments. You will be surprised when you really think about it the arguments will not seem as horriable as they do now.
Learn to talk and listen to her, not at her. Remember the 80/20 rule. Even when she is wrong she is probably still atleast 20% right so focus on that part. Do not talk about why you cheated unless she wants to, this is your burden to carry not hers, she did nothing wrong. Women are naturally curious and she will most likely grill you about it just remember, this is your mistake she did NOTHING to deserve this no matter how you have justified it in you mind.
Pray, I don't know if you or your wife are religious but guess what? Your being led by something and it sure isn't God. There is a book "The Power of a Praying Husband" or something close to that. I have recently started reading it and wish I had before I got to where I am. I am not overly sprititual (need to work on that as well personally) but it has some very powerfull and helpfull messages.
Consouling (or however it is spelled) is helpfull to some hurtfull to others. It really depends on the everyone involved. If she wants to try that, try it no questions or hesitation. Again you were wrong you have to do what ever it takes to make it right. I would suggest a counselor that has a christian background for they are more likely to try and help save the marriage than talk about why it will fail. Personally we went to both types but it didn't really help that much. It did teach me how to talk and listen to my wife but by that time it was to late for anything to work.
If you want to talk more in detail about what is happening and why you are where you are, either post details (tough to put out in the open) or private message me. I'm not a professional, I'm not a counselor (obviously because I don't know how to spell it), I'm not your friend, I don't have the perfect answer, I don't know everything, what I am is a 40 year old guy with 2 kids that is about to lose the only woman I have ever or will ever love with all of my heart and maybe I have some insights that will help you from doing the same thing.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2746
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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youre assuming your wife will decide, that inspite of the affair, youre a 'treasure' she cant live without.
well...you cheated...you dont really even CARE!
i hope she decided this treasure is one worth tossing back into the ocean.
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taryn.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 186
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You're right the current situation is not fair to anyone, but especially not to your wife and secondly not to the other woman, but I assume she knew what she was getting into. I'm a little biased here against infidelity, it seems to me that that a relationship outside the marriage has all the perks without any of the work. If you disagree with the other woman, you just go home, can't do that with your wife, your home is her home. Before you quit on a 20 year marriage, how well will you get along when the excitement of secrecy is lifted? Or you now have real responsibility to each other and have to face each others flaws?
Ironically, I still feel that my wife feels a greater sense of loss at losing her boyfriend then she does over the damage to our marriage. Yet given what I know about the two of them I can guarantee they never would have lasted a year together in a REAL relationship, and that is what you have to ask yourself. Maybe that is what you meant about "starting something new" when everyone else says you already started something new. The truth is you only have a diversion with the other woman and it wasn't based on honesty either it was based on deception. That's another irony, you probably only felt real or honest with the other woman even though that was the act that was making you feel dishonest. My point is pretty simple, you need to decide to stay with someone who is making a herculean effort to be understanding and supportive of you, or to leave in favor of someone you have started a relationship with based on dishonesty. Yep, I'm reallllly biased here, but sometimes the extremes need to be heard
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2746
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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Quote:
. Undoubtedly much of this is my fault, but at this point I am not interested in who is to blame, rather I am trying to sort out what the best course of action is. Thanks to everyone who reads this and sends their thoughts.
yeah...of COURSE youre not interested in who is to blame.
because it is YOU.
the fact is you do not value youre marriage enough to close the door on the other woman...confession to your wife or not (NO applause here...you only did that to ease your guilt....not because you truely want to change...so youre even MORE of an a$$ than i first thought you were)
honestly.
if there was karma,
your wife would leave you.
your g/f would cheat on you then leave you.
i could go on.
but why bother.
there is no karma.
you DONT have marriage-love for your wife.
i wish there was karma....for you...and many many others.
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taryn.
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euroman
New
Reged: 12/06/07
Posts: 2
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Many thanks to all those who gave considerate reponses (i.e., to everyone except the one person who seems to want just to be abusive). I deeply appreciate your comments, which are quite helpful. It seems strange to talk about something so intimate on a public forum, but it is very helpful to be able to read and consider your responses. All the best!
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 743
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Quote:
Ironically, I still feel that my wife feels a greater sense of loss at losing her boyfriend then she does over the damage to our marriage.
Hear hear Un, I asked my wife 3 months before we seperated to stop seeing her boyfriend, Her response was she didn't know if she could live without ever hearing his voice again. They are still together now but it is a doomed realtionship that has the foundation of deception. I don't wish bad things to happen to her because I still love her but some days I'm more like Taryn and wish Karma would slide in there just a bit. Today I seem more forgiving than other days maybe my recent praying for my wife's happiness is having the same effect on me.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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whattodosc
New
Reged: 12/11/07
Posts: 7
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I need to interject something here, I don't think cheating is right, but I firmly believe that we are human - and if there is no affection, no communication, and no sex life in a marriage then there is really no one to blame if you are attracted to someone that is able to provide you with the simple basic needs of life! I'm sure that you wish your wife was able to provide these things for you - but guesse what, she didn't - and you should not be beat up for accepting love and affection from someone who may see value in you that your wife doesn't.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 186
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There is a solution for someone who is unhappy in their marriage, its called divorce. It's hard (read the other forums), but "cheating" is weak and cowardly, and yes these are human traits, but we don't all have to succumb to them and the person who does is to blame. Sorry to be blunt, I can forgive, but I am not going to absolve from responsibility.
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