isitme
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 3
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I've been married 25+ years put the last 10 have been hard.
I'm married but feel alone. We are a couple that got married at 21 and have 4 kids with one left at home with just a couple years to go for the last one.
When we get in arguments she says just wait for the last kid to leave before doing anything.
I feel like why wait. All I see ahead is more wasted years and letting her get me more in dept. She current has spent about 30k on credit cards over the last three years. When I try to talk to her about it she says it isn't all her and she says I always blame her for spending too much. A few years ago I quite a very good paying job and could afford to just keep paying off her dept. Now I can't. She blames me for leaving the job. She actually makes more than I do now but less than what we use to do.
Any how so spending is one thing.
The other thing is her lieing to me about smoking.
When we first met I told her I didn't date women who smoked. She quite on the spot and I never saw anything for probably 15 years. Now when ever she is away from home, trip to family or friends, she comes back with smoke on her breath. When confronted she says she won't do it but then it happens again. Most smokers say what is the big deal but to someone who doesn't want in his life and tried to make sure of that 25+ years ago it kind of hurts.
Recently when I asked about it she said she doesn't lie she just doesn't want to be nagged about it. She said she use to think I was worth it (not smoking) but why should I get to say what she can do or not. I feel betrayed. Hey there are things I don't do to make the relationship work.
Anyhow I'm just feeling like why keep arguing about the same old things when she is just going to do what ever anyhow.
I forgot to mention that almost every weekend she is either working or gone to visit family a few hundred miles away. I take this as she doesn't want to be around me. She says I nag her about spending too much or the smoking and not taking care of herself.
Other people tell me I'm a really nice guy but she just seems to see concern about our finances as nagging. I guess I keep bringing it up because nothing changes.
Sorry for going on and on. I'm thinking that maybe it is time to find someone who thinks the same way I do about money and health rather thinking she might decide to change. Is 25 years enough time to wait and see?
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2274
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"Other people tell me I'm a really nice guy but she just seems to see concern about our finances as nagging. I guess I keep bringing it up because nothing changes."
Time to cut the cards, and hire a financial planner, who will tell both of you what you need to get out of debt, as she will view it coming from you as nagging.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 307
Loc: NM
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25+? This sounds like so many posts on here and "life after". Do you really want to just give up that easily? I know, I know, you been trying......
When was the last time that you grabbed her in a hug, told her you loved her (seriously), took her out to dinner, sent her flowers, cleaned the toilet, etc. Whatever would make her say "awww"
On your side, when was the last time you talked to her about your needs? Ever said "hey let's talk"?
This sounds like two people that have let "daily life" get in the way, you just need to find each other again. She doesn't feel you appreciate/love her and you don't feel the love. Please fix it now! I don't want to see another long marriage go!
I let my hubby read my posts, if you need her to see your heart, ask her to read it.
I wish you the best.
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isitme
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 3
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Thanks for the support.
Here is a status report.
She asked that I write my issues down and give them to her. This is to avoid what normally happens which is our talking ends up with us both yelling with very terse voices at each other. She has read my issues and has said that she that it was well thought out and not blameful. She has promised to write a response and her own list of issues. She has started but wants it to let it sit for a few days and then revise it so that maybe it won't be so blameful.
In the mean time we have gone out together and done a few things: a communitee meeting and dinner out together with some very loving conversion. We have avoided the hot topics other than to check status of who writing or reading each others stuff.
I do worry that she may write that she is who she is and either accept her or not. She said the other night during dinner that she finally feels like she is her own person. I interpet this as "I am women hear me roar." She has always acting very independant and even more so with age.
I'm starting to think women start out seeing themselves through their man and then with age realize they need to be themselves. In general this sounds good until you realize that it usually goes to far and they end up divorced because they are independant only to wish that they maybe didn't take it so far.
On the other hand I think men probably start out very independant and meloe with age and want to be part of something bigger than just themself.
I hope her response does not just lead us back to where we started.
I await her list/responses which won't be until next week as she is gone again until Tuesday.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 307
Loc: NM
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Great to hear, it is a good start. I like to write stuff down too so that I can really think about if it is really what I want to say. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Supposedly there are lots of good books out there, but I haven't read them, look at some of the other posts, other people recommend them all the time. Keep up the good fight, it really is well worth it, especially when you realize things are bad and work together to improve them. If someone had told me a year ago that today I would be more satisfied/happy in my marriage than I ever had been, I probably would have laughed at them. But I am, it just takes work.
Best wishes.
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isitme
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 3
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We've tried marriage consuling a couple of times the first time it seemed to help. But a few years ago we tried a different one and he was pretty much trying to send us our seperate ways. In a strang way it made us fight harder to stay together and work things out. I've suggested it to the wife this time around but she doesn't want to. I don't know if it is because of our last experience, or the money, or if there is something she doesn't want to come out. She suggested the writing things down as an alternative. I'm guessing we are still going to need the help of a third party at some point since we haven't been able to get it right after 25 years by our selves.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 307
Loc: NM
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Her trying to find different approaches to save the marriage is a very positive note. It means that she hasn't given up.
What are some other things that you have come up with to work it out?
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1472
Loc: Richmond, VA
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You know, one thing I've discovered is it's not what you say, but how you say it. She sees it as nagging, you don't. Time to try a different approach. Don't let finances, smoking, etc. be the first thing out of your mouth. Ask her (calmly) how she feels about the financial situation in your lives. Just listen for awhile. Don't try to come up with solutions. As for the smoking, she may be doing it because of stress. Don't assume this is easy on her even if she isn't talking about it.
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Insert witty comment here. 
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