This is my first time posting. I feel like I am starting to come out of a bad dream. I feel very disjointed so forgive my rambling.

I have been married to my husband for 2 years. From everything that I have read on here so far, he seems to fit a narcissistic personality type.

When we first met, he was very charming and handsome. He very quickly stated staying over more and more frequently until we were pretty much living together. He moved very fast and pressured me into getting married within 6 months of our first meeting. a lot of this pressure was the beginning of the verbal abuse i would endure from him. He started calling me constantly and accusing me of cheating onhim or trying to cheat on him. I had never encountered this situation so I thought that I could reassure him that I loved him by doing everything that he asked me to do.. he alienated me from my friends and family and wanted to control every aspect of my life.

After we were married I would reach breaking points where I would tell him I wanted to get divorced(he has both verbally and physically abused me at this point) and he would laugh at me saying that I was crazy. It was not until I filed for divorce the first time that he took me seriously and wanted to go to counseling and say he would do better. He convinced me to stay and try to work the marriage out, but that did not last very long.

We had a baby and I was focused on her care so things seemd ok for a while for me.

Now that he had me in the level of control that he was comfortable with, he decided that while every single penny that I spent needed to be dissected, he started to spend money to buy nice clothes for himself and he started to go out and spend large amounts of money at the bar with "friends" that I had never heard of or met. His cell phone also started ringing at all hours and he would never answer in front of me or tell me who was calling. He told me that he was just doing harmless flirting and that he loved me and he was just pretending to be single online for fun.

On top of all this he did not want me to spend any money onthe baby, saying things like why does she need a haloween costume, she has enough clothes. It makes me sad to think and not be able to recall a single item he ever purchased for his daughter.

I feel like such a fool for falling for all of his lies and allowing him to abuse me. He had me all but convinced that everyone treated their family this way and that I deserved the way he treated me.

I reached my final breaking point last Saturday the 13th of October. He was in a rage that day and spat in my face before he left to go "study". After he left I called my parents to ask for help. I then packed some things for the baby and myself and we left. The second my husband realized we were gone for real, he immediately switched into apology and lets be a family and I love you mode. I just cannot take any more. We filed divorce papers last week and he is being served. We are requesting an additional protective order and now just waiting to see what happens. He is still trying to talk to me, but i know that I am done talking... I do not want to expose myself to the chance that he would convince me to try again.

My focus right now is to get away from him and create a stable environment where my daughter can have a happy life.

All I need is someone to remind me that I am not crazy. How could I not see? How could I let me hurt me this way? How could I believe that the way he treated me was love?

finding my way back...