I am still here and still alive!

Things have been up and down, but I have been able to hold strong to my convictions.

I was able to take a nice break for Christmas and visit my family for 10 days. I had to come back on the 28th becasue he technically had visitation scheduled for that weekend, but I knew he was not going to show up...

Unfortunately, the final divorce decree proposal that my lawyer sent to his lawyer has my new phone numbers listed, and I received an unexpected/unwanted phone call on the 29th(I do not have caller Id at home and did not realize he had the number)

Before I knew what was happening, I was defending myself and caught up in a conversation where everything was my fault again.. I was crying and trying to explain things that should not even matter anymore... I initially agreed in the conversation to let him come over on the 1st and see the baby, but as soon as I got off the phone I felt just terrible and I knew that I had to get myself straightened out...

I took a day talked to some friends for supprt, then sent him a message indicating that we have an agreement in place for visitation and that I prefer to follow the rules.

He was not happy about that and tried to call me, and send me e-mails. I ignored all.

He then decided to finally show up for visitation the next Saturday which was his scheduled day. He showed up early, tried his hardest to make lighthearted conversation with me and be friendly. I was very happy that I was able to maintain composure and stick to serious conversation about relevant inforamtion like what time are you bringing her back... He said he'd bring her back at 2.. and maybe a little earlier than that.. he is supposed to get her until 3.

At 1 pm my cell phone started ringing and the first 3 words out of his mouth were "where are you".. what the hell! He was bringing her back extra early... I told hime that i would be home as soon as possible and he would have to wait for me. He arrived at my house at 1:20 and I arrived at 1:25. he told me that he could not come on Sunday because he had to work and then grumbled about having to pay someone to take his shift today and that he could not afford to be doing that... i said... ok, see you later.

The next week he starts mailing me more trying to make himself look good.. telling me how is is going to graduate, and get a job, etc...

if he is, good, but how is it that he did not have a job one day while we were together or make progress toward graduating and all of a sudden he is accomplishing things...

he still sends me messages trying to get response, and there have been several times where I feel very weak and lonely and I have the strongest urge to call him or talk to him, but I stop myself... .

I have a final court data scheduled for the 29th where my lawyer says we can do the final prove out of the divorce decree

I think he is trying to see if he can get to me before then to see if he can still stop things..

I am just working hard right now to stay strong and not speak to him.

I am working on Boundaries in counseling, and I think I am also now ready to participate in some group counseling to help me get through this final push to the divorce being final.

:)