2 weeks ago yesterday my husband of almost-5 months beat me up. It wasn't the first incident of domestic violence and it was surely not going to be the last. We had decided to separate and I was packing my things after coming home from church. I was irritated that his ever-present ex was there and that I felt suffocated with her around. I was packing and put 2 bottles of cleaner in a box and he just flipped and picked me and threw me down the stairs. After I landed he accused me of throwing myself down the stairs to make him look bad. I twisted my knee and was just writhing on the stairs in shock. He came down the stairs and he proceeded to drag me UP the stairs when I wouldn't give him the shirt I was wearing. I walked by him in stupidity and just kind of popped him on the back of the head and that's when he just LOST it. He threw me down on the ground with my hair in his hand and started slamming my head on the ground. I would ask him to stop and he would stop, look at me, and then proceed to slam my head back down on the ground. He did this 3 separate times at 5-6 times a whack, full force. I finally got eye contact with him and begged him to stop. He, at that point, fell to the ground and started begging for my forgiveness. I collapsed once or twice and continued to pack. We were in the kitchen and we were talking about what had just happened and, as per usual, he accused me of being the issue, and I reached up and said "this is how hard I popped you" and BOOM---he smacked me across my ear, I hit back in shock, and then he proceeded to hit me 2 more times. He convinced me I didn't need to see a doctor and that I would be okay and in my stupor-I believed him. The next day I saw my counselor who reminded me that I was worth something, I called the cops, and had a restraining order put in place to protect me and my children. I suffered from a concussion, and although it could never be proven he did it--I lost a baby very early on in a pregnancy.

I'm a mess. I know this is not my fault and I'm glad I filed for divorce but now I'm going through the gamut of emotions---"what did I do wrong?" "I still love him." "We said for better or worse." You name it---I've done it. I'm 31 and also being tested for breast cancer. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Daily.