PuP...If only's are just that....if only you told....do you really think you would'nt relive it again??....I was told to leave stbx so many times....even had to sit down with a policewomen...that told me if I did'nt leave...he would end up killing me...and yet I did nothing...he choked me one night with the nylon jacket that I had on...I got losse...I don't know how...before he choked me...he banged my head into the stove too many times to count...brusing my ribs and hip so bad I could not lay down because of the pain....and yet I did'nt have him arrested....FEAR....I totally was running on empty....and extremely jumpy...and never wanted to be alone with him anywhere....he tried to convince everybody...I was insane...because I was so jumpy and scared....Every night I would put a wood wedge under the middle of the door...and bells on a string on the door knob...I had a baseball bat under my bed...but always thought that he would probably use to kill me if he could...He would rather have me dead than face his own demons....and this was the nightmare that I called life...

I to have guilt...of not doing something...I just could not bring myself to relaizing...he was crasy....and the more I push it...the worse the beatings....Sitting in silence...I could not....paying the price of people snickering at me...and saying it's not that bad..or you would of left.....I wanted to scream so loud...just to release the pain and stupidity these stupid people...who no doubt have their own problems....but would rather live in denial...it will get them....at least you are open...but what could you do? every time I tried to solve all of this...with a different soultion...it always came back to the same origin....you can't change what someone does...it's their skin and you are in your skin...it would also go nowhere...but the same origin....You have mourned enough...for the death...it can change nothing to mourn more...but to delay your need to come to some conclusion that what has happened is over...nothing can ever be reversed....I would like to hear more about what happened to you...please fill in the blanks...you need too...to bring some forgiveness into your life....we can't be responsible for everything...somethings have to have a conculsion...You need to forgive your self....I would forgive you if I was this person....