I just found this site last night and these posts have been SUCH an affirmation to me! It took me 20 years in an abusive marriage before I finally decided to get a divorce. I left him a little over a year ago and our divorce should be final within the next 4-8 weeks if all goes well. And I suspect that is only because he's found someone else - he has all the sudden decided he wants it finished and isn't going to fight me anymore.

It took SO long to, first, admit to myself the abuse was happening and then, second, to dare to get a divorce. We were separated twice because of his abuse of the kids. But he has the BEST public facade I've ever seen. It fools EVERYONE. He is so meek, mild-mannered, and gentle for all to see -- it seems he couldn't possibly squash a bug, much less abuse his family in private. In 20 years I've known of only 5 or 6 people who have seen past his facade and only 2 of those realized he was abusing his family in private. The others figured out he was a pathological liar.

This past year I have gotten really up close and personal with the reasons women either don't leave an abuser or go back to one. It has been hell. There are NO resources for women whose abusers don't leave bruises. I can't qualify for legal aid, though I have no income. So I have to pay a high-priced attorney somehow (I owe him a gajillion dollars) because my hubby has been fighting for custody of our 4-year-old. I'm determined he WILL NOT have custody of her because, though he hasn't laid a finger on her yet because she's still so young and cute, the day WILL come. And then it will be too late. And he completely convinced the judge at our temporary hearing. I only barely maintained custody because of one statement in one of the afidavits I submitted and the judge put heavy qualifiers on me to be able to keep custody at final.

If I didn't have family to live with I'd truly be sunk. I've finally found work in the last week and the pay is atrocious. Being a stay-home mom for the past 20 years, though I kept my office skills up, has made finding a job almost impossible. The judge is requiring me to have a living income and a home of my own to keep custody of my 4-year-old.

Anyone who says verbal and emotional abuse aren't real has never lived with them. Eventually, in a true batterer, they will escalate (though my hubby always explained it away; it was always my fault or the kids' fault -- you know how that goes). But that daily terrorism is just as deadly as visible bruises and broken bones. I left him as soon as I was strong enough after completing chemo and I believe I got cancer (no family history or risk factors) because of living in that nightmare for so long. I have a friend who had a heart attack at 40 because of the stress of living with a verbal abuser.

I went looking for online support because I can't find anything out there IRL. For women who have visible bruises there are resources. But for those of us who have lived a private and invisible nightmare there is nothing. I'm having trouble acting like it's OK that the people who are my friends are still friends with my nearly-X. Especially my church. But it's all my word against his, even though the straw that broke the camel's back the summer before I left him was being sexually assaulted 3 times. Even that action he did subtly by "taking" it when I was under the influence of sleeping pills due to the chemo. It makes me so angry to think about what happened and yet no one (other than my psych who helped me finally get rid of the nightly nightmares and 3-4 days/week migraines) believes it was that big a deal - or that it was even assault. I feel like I've lost EVERYTHING - not just the illusion of normalcy with a marriage.

Thanks for these posts!