My friend you mention God in your signature. We don't know what the long term plan is and it's not soup yet. Lots more to go in and cooking before the final result. There is much worse, I'm sure you saw some of it in the hospital. You are alive now because you are not supposed to die like that. The same fire that melts butter also forges steel. Steel yourself for the pain, it will make you stronger and God probably wants you to have that strength for something one day. I know how lonely and hurtful and unfair it is and how utterly helpless you are, but think of people who endured the holocaust, or cancer survivors, paraplegics, missing children, and fight. Get angry. Get drunk. Whatever it takes. Fight like hell, and survive. It took a long time to get to where you are and you've got a long time to go. It's not soup yet.