I thought this through last night & spent a long time, actually editing for once, and it disappeared.

Here's the summary... not as eloquently put as last night.

Your parents were through thier own divorce process years ago. THey probably saw how bad it is when family of either party takes sides and acts nasty, and they're thinking they don't want to be like that. The step-mom, particularly can't completely believe you in what you're saying about her problems because they believe you're biased (in a bad way) towards her, so she's trying like heck not to be impolite or one of those nasty, polarized relatives who goes off the deep end to hurt the other side.

And she may not have the knowledge of mental illness and emotional leaches that your wife is. She may have zero experience in figuring out that there are people out there who, if you give them an inch, will take a mile, and not in a good way... in a way that won't be good even for the people who are taking it... your stepmom may have no clue what the word "enabling" means in this type of situation. SHe may be an enabler in other situations and may even think that as long as THAT situation (such as a drinking situation) is not present, then there's no danger in giving in to her enabling impulses.

And of course, all that, coupled with the fact that she's one of those polite midwestern types... combines to make it near impossible for her to not TRY to be polite & friendly.

for you to try to tell her that she's not doing herself or your ex any favors, just looks like the angry ex trying to be mean to the former step-daughter-in-law. She's going to have to learn this on her own.

I hope you can figure out how to live with it and leave her and your ex to htier own relationship, so long as she knows once and for all that you're not going to reconcile or even be the ex's friend (for the way she treated you, she does not deserve the friendship)... and of course you will be available to explain YET AGAIN the serious emotional disorder that your ex has, and it's affect on her ability to socialize properly, once your step-mom understands and finds herself stuck in the mire of trying ot rescue the ex on her own. THEN she will be open, maybe to understanding that you're not exaggerating here.

Part of the problem, I think... and I see it with my own husband as well... is that you are (like my husband) reticent to say to even your own mother, the awful stuff that may have gone on behind closed doors. My husband is so reticent to say it that he didn't even have the language to use in explaining how things worked... he just kept repeating, "I don't know, she's just... odd"... and I would have to ask specific questions to get him to step-by-step explain what he meant by that... and the truth was WAY alarming. AND he'd kept it private for so long.

When he explained to his mother, father, brothers, etc., what had happened, thier reaction was also, "well, we always thougth she was a bit strange"... but they took a really long time to come to the understanding of HOW strange. THey had a really hard time understanding/believing how their favorite son could keep all the abuse he suffered a secret from them.

And it's appalling when you look at the big picture, what he went through. Any parent would hope to never have their child have to endure that... so the thought that he'd kept it private is shocking and ... well, even almost insulting to them as parents and best buddies.

They understand, of course, his embarassment and reluctance to talk, but they still... from time to time... they hear stuff and think, "gee, that's just ODD"... and they still have to experience it from time to time before they really understand.

On one occasion, they didn't believe the ex was interfering in the relationship between the kids & thier father... so they were visiting for a week and they called the kids, saying, "well, if the kids won't see YOU, they'll surely see US... the grandparents they love so much"... well... they had to hear it for themselves ... the kids being reluctant, coming up with excuses, the mother refusing to say anything, actually encouraging them to ditch thier grandparents... the grandparents... my husband's closest family who love him to death... couldn't believe it till they saw it with thier own eyes.

It's not because he's not a scrupulously honest person (you've got to be when you live with a liar for so long)... it's because they simplyl couldn't believe stuff he'd been keeping secret for so long.

And you... you kept your ex's oddities secret. You kept it behind closed doors.

It's probably going to take a long while before everyone is on board and understanding that what you're saying has nothing to do with being angry ove rthe divorce and everythign to do with finally being free to explain, and maybe vent, about what that crazy woman put you through... about how HARD you tried to please her and how you FINALLY realized you couldn't fix her variety of sickness, which is why you gave up...

It may be that they have to see it before they're ready to hear your explanation again and really listen and understand it. I know in my husbnad's situation, it was interesting. he's explained it all to them by now. Yet still, from time to time, they act in ways that make it clear they think he exaggerated or maybe was imagining things... so they do something that would be REALLY ill-advised, given what he's told them... and they learn... and then they come back and say, "gee, son... I guess you were right, huh? NOT THAT IT DIDN'T believe you before, but NOW... I guess you WERE right."

I hope you can come to a point where you understand that other people may need to experience their own disappointments with her before they REALLY get what you've told them about her... and forgive them for not totally understanding befor ethey see it for thier own eyes.