Patty, I totally understand that feeling of feeling disposable. But the fact of the matter is, we're NOT disposable. It just feels like that sometimes.

Tom, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I know logically you're right about the addict thing. It's just going to take a little while for logic to catch up with this feeling of being so small. And by the way, I think you did the perfect thing by being honest about how you were feeling with your stbx and asking her to leave. You're a strong man.

I feel like a terrible person for wanting him to suffer as much as I am. I'm not a malicious person by nature, but honestly all I want is for him to be in as much pain as I am. But as phyzguy pointed out, he tends to numb the pain with whatever's handy - cocaine, booze, and (apparently) other women. Maybe I should start to drink heavily for a few months and numb the pain myself :)!