OK - I'm sure most of you were following CityGirl's thread called "what's wrong with me?" (NOTHING by the way!) and there was a lot of talk about a book: "Why Men Love Bitches."

So a lot of the things that were being said hit closer to home than I would like to admit, and I went out to buy the book. Some of it was "dead-on-balls accurate" when it came to describing what went wrong with us. And you all know that I keep searching and searching for the "Why?" So I admit it - I DID begin to mother him and I started to nag (even though I never did before). I figured, "He works so much and he doesn't eat right or sleep at all... maybe if I get him to eat better and take some vitamins, he'll feel better." And of course, if he feels better, he'll spend some better time with me, right?

Nope! Totally wrong! It's exactly what started to kill things. And the harder I tried, the worse it got. So now I'm thinking that there is no WAY we can recover this (which is of course all that I really want to do), but I still have this (unrealistic) hope inside that won't go away. And the hope is killing me, so I decide to kill the hope...

So I send what I call "the text message of death" (very dramatic , I know). It had been over a month since we had talked, even though he knows that I really want to hear from him. So I send the following message:

"I'm sorry that you are incapable of appreciating me. Too bad. Have a good life."

Now I fully expect to never hear from him after that, and yes, I admit that "have a good life" is corny. =) But several hours later, I get a message back: "I'm sorry that I worked so much the last two weeks that I don't even have the energy to call my own mother." Now I should note - he never talked to his mom much over the years we were together either (like once every one or two months). So I manage to use my new-found inner bi#ch to keep my cool, and I write:

"Appreciation has nothing to do with how much you work."

Now, I'm SURE that's the end of it. But nooooooo, he has to call. He leaves a message apologizing for sending the @$$-hole-ish text, but he says he's really confused because he didn't think we were at the point of being "hostile," even though we haven't talked "in a while."

WTF??? The inner bi#ch collapses, and I break down and call him back about 4 hours later. And against my better judgement, I try to talk to him, even though I can tell that he's probably drunk (yes, you call all now call me dumb). We have a completely nonsense-ical conversation, resolve nothing, and to make matters worse, I know he didn't understand ANYTHING I was trying to say. He got some skewed view that I was calling him a "bad person" and that I hated him. He also kept saying that he "just doesn't care about anything anymore" and that "there's no point."

So now what? I know that he's depressed, but I worry that he may hurt himself (even though I asked directly if he was planning on it and he said no). I just don't like that he's twisted what I was trying to tell him...

Yeah, I guess I'm not a very good [censored] yet...