Thank all of you for the heartfelt e-mail. I can relate to much that you have said.

The role of my parents finances has impacted me in the past and future (as has the role of your own finances impacted the lives of your families). In my case, I am fortunate to have two parents who deem support of their children (not just monetary) to be top priority. The financial jockeying can be better related to the two's desire to manipulate the system so as to thrust a larger burden upon the other. The intent can almost be deemed as semi-malicious towards the other party- which makes me both desire to know and not know the details of their divorce.

Both my parents resent the other for their perceived prosperity- propped up by each ones desire to reinforce this perception.

I do have the fortune of leaving this situation in less than two years. The "crisis" that I expressed above reflects an issue that in my head I have already begun to resolve. I hope to effect the necessary change as I communicate with my parents many of the issues affecting me. The two most pressing issues that I hope to alleviate are expressed below:

1) College- I had the fortune of receiving a scholarship to help me finance my college. This has helped negate the deficit as a result other direct funding. My parents were able to contribute each contribute 3k and 4k. The remainder, 13k (the deficit) is attributed to their stated desire to fund my education which was sidetracked by their quibbling. I never demanded that they pay for my education, and after speaking with student accounts will be paying off the balance with student loans.

I feel that to address this issue, I will speak with my parents and propose an argument along the lines...I understand that helping me fund my education is a very large obligation. I never intended to jeopardize your financial security. I feel that I will be able to continue my education independently and feel that this is the best course of action due to 1) the fact that this benefits me solely-AKA you are not obligated to help and 2) the ineffectiveness for you to distinguish between child support and helping me out. The child support process has always been an issue with this family which I do not wish to extend into a voluntary realm such as education assistance.

I will be successful in my pursuit of a degree. I refuse to accept any funds that are a result of a compromise of obligations between you two. However, if you wish to help me cover some of the costs of living and education, I would be very thankful for any gifts.

2) The effect that this situation has had upon me as the eldest child. I have attempted to shoulder the burden of "mediating" between you two. Still, as I have stated before (before college expenses I will address the effect that this has had upon me), I refuse to continue to do this anymore. Furthermore and more importantly, I refuse to allow you to project this crippling obligation upon my younger brothers. This is not right. KIDS HAVE NO ROLE IN THEIR PARENTS FINANCES BEYOND THEIR PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITIES! You must learn to mediate between yourselves. I hope that you will be able to continue support of them as they mature and allow them to go to college without the effects of personal bickering. As for college, their finances are their responsibility. Whatever you are willing to give them give as gifts. I will also be there to help them, provide them guidance and lend them a helping hand.

>>>I will continue to address their need to mediate between the two of them and I will work to remove many of the (too) blunt statements as I form this into personal letters. My hope is to create personal letters for both parents, share them with them and discuss them. Then my desire is to refuse to discuss THEIR issues ever again (I will always be there to help my brothers though).

Thoughts?

>>>Also gigi, I found your post depicting your personal experiences to be inspiring. I hope to provide a few pieces of affirmation for you as your kids address the college issue- through the perspective of someone presently going through it and impacted by a divorce.

1) The cost of financing school. This is the biggie that I hoped to address (below)

Your partners ex should not be reinforcing the perception that a big name school is the necessary rout to a better future. I spent the past year as a scholarship student at a Top 20 school in the nation. A private school in TN if you further inquire. I was able to achieve deans list, a larger scholarship next year, and maintain a valuable social presence. Still, I will be leaving this school to attend my state flagship (cost difference is a wash due to a transfer student scholarship- smaller for transfers :( I feel that I will have more opportunity due to a number of factors: more opportunity for exploration- charities, volunteering, jobs; higher gpa; better recruitment; less burnout; and a number of other factors.

2) Scholarships. Athletic scholarships are much, much harder to get than academic scholarships. This especially applies for men, where there are effectively no scholarships outside of FB and Basketball. In addition, the lives of scholarship athletes are very tough- almost to the point that as an ardent athlete myself I would consider refusing to accept an athletic scholarship.

>>>

Thank you for the input, I hope that my experiences help.

If there are any flaws in my proposed course of action, please let me know.