Even in the best of families, it's a crap shoot whether or not children become the victims. That has a lot to do with whether or not the parents choose to be a victim. They are mirrors of us after all.

And that's really the whole point of my original question.... It's not my intent to be insensitive to my X; however, I can't change the fact that he's first in line to volunteer for the victim role. I'm quite confident that there are few who know who he REALLY is underneath the surface.

Even if I hadn't had an affair, I'd still be facing a host of issues related to "damned if I do, damned if I don't" decisions that have been established for one purpose - so that he can have his cake and eat it, too. The real underlying question becomes, cheater or not, how do I discern when it's time to stop allowing that to drive what I do???