Taryn, Kat, Cedc: I wish I could find a way to do this for you: to remove from your minds, ANY visions of what may be happening at your ex's/stbx's home when the kids are visiting... good as well as bad. UNLESS it's abusive, there is nothing worth you worrying about.

The court will refuse to take action on it, and are officially saying that it's OK for this stuff to happen. You have no control over it. Your kids can ONLY find a way to get you all riled up about it (and by putting it in thier own perspective, maybe exaggerating some parts, minimizing others), and if you even say you'll TALK to the ex/stbx, all that will happen is you will look powerless, which they don't need to see happening.

If you're wondering, "who should they vent to, if not me?", my answer would be, "a counselor". Get them to a therapist, a counselor, a support group of their own, and coach them to tell this stuff to the counselor. As the enemy of thier other parent (and be sure this is how it looks to them even if you and the other parent are trying to show only cooperation in front of them)... you are not in any position to advise the kids on how to react, unless you want the kids to get the impression that it's proper for them to enlist you in campaigns against the other parent.