I'm glad I found this forum. Looks like some really good advice being given out. I couldn't find anything specific to my situation, so I figured I would post.
Her additude was going down hill the past year. And within the last couple months, the sex stopped, she won't do my laundry as she always has before, and she is really miserable around me, always making comments like "You don't get it" and "not for much longer", like she is planning on filing (for what I don't know). She has gone to a marriage counselor by herself a few times, and has tried to get me to go but I refused because I thought we could work it out ourselves. She then started asking about my 401K, and said if I wouldn't go to the counselor with her, the counselor would like to see me alone then, and I refused. A month ago, she wrote me a letter and put in my suitcase for when I was going out of town for business. In it, she said when I came back she wanted either me to move out and live with my parents (a block away) or live in the basement (we have a large finished basement). We never talked about it when I came back, but I said if you want to split this family up, you have to leave. So, up until yesterday, I had no clue she has been seeing someone else. I did notice a lot of astrology lookups on the computer history for Leo (her sign) and Pisces (not my sign!)
I checked our computer history and found out she had a google email account. She was dumb enough to click the "remember me" box on the sign-in so the [censored] automatically filled in. She was smart enough to delete her inbox, but doesn't know that her Sent box is there, and I have all the nightly emails she sent "him" in the past week. In it is clear evidence she's been committing adultery. I have all emails in soft & hard copy. The guy used to work with her in Physical Therapy in a hospital, then he just left to open up his own practice, and she has been going to him ever since he's opened up for "treatments", legitmate for her neck condition, and for "other". I never suspected anything until I saw the emails. In them, she is always saying she loves him, and can't wait til they can be out in the open and have a happy future, etc... So, Now I know she has been stringing me along and has wanted a divorce all along, but trying to make me blink first and screw up. Gotcha [censored]!! :-) I have his website from his business, and his picture is on it.....what a dweeb!!!
He is married and has 3 kids under 11, and from the emails, his wife doesn't know anything about the affair. I'm thinking he is stringing my wife along, telling her he'll divorce, etc, and they'll be together soon, but I think he is just using my wife as a thing on the side,but I have no evidence of that.
We have 2 boys, 5 & 7, after debt, about $100K equity, $275K in my federal govt job's 401K, and 1%of high-3 years pension. I have 24 years to go before I am eligible to retire. We have been married for 11 years, together for 17 since high school. We live in New Jersey.
If she wants to be with him, I won't fight it. As miserable as she is with me, I don't want to keep being married to her. I am 35, and in the best shape of my life, and I could be having lots of fun ;-) and dating lots of hot women. I know I should see a lawyer, but wanted to get a little advice from this board first.
I found out she opened her own checking account in June, and a P.O. box in his hometown. She just went back to work part time a couple years ago. Started up full time this summer (30 hours). She made about $20K/yr part time, but I just found a job offer letter from the new company that took over her contract that would have her making $50k/yr working 30 hours/week... Ka-Ching! (she wasn't going to tell me about it) (still less than half of what I make a year)
I have all evidence in a folder, ready to go, like I said. I think I should probably wait until she has been making the good money a few months before I serve her, so it shows her income potential.
First question, since the divorce is her fault (infadelity), does that mean I would get more from the settlement, or would it be 50-50 ("equitable") still? I would want to sell the house or have her buy me out, but there is no way she can afford it, even with the promotion. A shame... it's a real nice newer neighbor and the kids have tons of friends there.
She is going away for a weekend convention in a couple weeks, and one email she mentions how she can't wait til the "go away together", so I think he's going with her. I found "his" home address and phone number (I love the internet) and his company website mentions his wife & kids names & ages, etc.
Second question, When is the best time and what is the best way to serve my wife?
Third question, When should I let "his" wife know? I can't wait for that one! :-)
She has no idea I know, and she handles most of the bills from joint accounts, and no worries about that. No savings accounts or stocks.
Any advice on the next steps greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Wife is Cheating on Me in NJ