Don't just quite know how to start. A full bio would take many pages.

36 year marriage (4 adult children - no minor children) about to end due to unresolved (read unresolveable) issues of stbx wife's childhood sexual abuse which was repeated over period of 12 years with as many as 1,000 occurences possible. Been separated for six months. She's still living in another state. Still love her but could not live with her constant anger and emotional/sexual avoidance/refusal.

Had plans for us to both relocate to MN because of job issues - I couldn't find suitable work there after my job went to China in '02. Now doing the kind of work I tried to get back "home" for twenty or more years and am very successful at it.

Financial crisis and marriage crisis came to a head at same time - and I walked out on a semi-planned extended job hunting trip. But I walked out over marriage situation. Lots of guilt transfer, she has exonerated her abusers because she confronted them (they both denied everything) but has transferred all guilt to me. That's a story for another forum.

Once I began learning more about her behavior and how it is almost textbook example of aftermath of pedophilia (PTSD, Sexual Anorexia in particular), I made several attempts at reconcile - but she would have to sell the house and finish our planned family relocation AND enter therapy. Without therapy I cannot live with her. So far all she's said was, "we have nothing to talk about" and "the only thing I'm packing is your clothes".

Sent her a "fish or cut bait" letter last month saying that we have to start talking about getting her moved up here by end of Sept. (this month) or we ought to get a divorce. Did not use the D word since long before I left.

Her response? To make an unannounced trip (did not contact me personally) up here to visit relatives and leave a van load of my belongings at a church with instructions to have them contact me after she left to return to IN.

Am assuming that this was her answer. Have been advised to get a lawyer 'cause she's probably got one. I have been here six months - long enough I think for me to file in the county where I reside.

Should I try to beat her to the punch and file first if I can, or just get an attorney and wait? Both IN and MN are pretty much the same for divorce grounds. But it would be far easier for me to make it to a court date here than in IN.

This is difficult for me 'cause my head and heart are not on the same page. Would like to just hold her and make all the hurt go away. Irony is while I was dating her, I helped her to get the abuse to stop. Went through my belongings today and all the memories of better times haunt me, but my head tells me she just purged the house of everything that reminds her of me.