Some of the things you have mentioned here, are very good examples why you need a lawyer to guide you through the process.

I can see splitting the appraisal fee but no way should he be charging you for realtor fees, when the house isn't being sold. Does he plan to give you 1/2 of the additional equity when he does sell it? I doubt it...

Refinancing fees, well that should be his alone, as it is a fee he is incurring to get the mortgage in his name.

You are entitiled to a share of his retirement fund, whether he likes it or not. See what I mean about why a "do it yourself divorce" may not be in your best interest.

I would suggest that you might benefit from at least consulting with a lawyer about what your rights are and what expenses should be divided between the two of you and what should be assumed by one party or the other in the divorce.

In my opinion, the person keeping the property should expect the be out the total cost of refinaning, as they will solely benefit when they finally do sell.

Realator fees when the house is not on the market and may never be, sorry, that ain't going to fly. He got this advice from a banker? Bankers are not divorce attorneys and should not despence legal advice in areas that they don't have a specialty in.