"But is that what she wants? me to tell her all that stuff? I'm asking you ladies if you would want to hear that 'cold hard truth' because, as our therapist told her, I dont think any answer i give her will ever make her prepared for the D. "

I think it's just human nature for any of us to try to soften the blow as much as possible, no matter what. When I was divorcing my ex, he knew all the sh*t he was doing, he knew how mean and abusive he was to me, he knew he had major drug and gambling problems, but somehow it was still hard for me to tell him outright what a [censored] he was and that's why I was leaving him. Unless we were in one of those total knock-out fights, then of course it all came out and I heard from him what a horrible person I was also.

Did I do him any favors by sugar coating everything? Probably not. I'm know it was a huge blow the day he got the divorce papers in the mail, because he always held out hope that I'd take him back, even though we were living completely apart and hardly spoke. He thought I just needed time to figure out what I wanted, and I made him feel that way a little bit because it was easier than telling him the truth. At first when we separated I did want to try to work things out and I hadn't given up, but after awhile, I started moving on with my life, finding out how much better it was without him in it, and I knew I was going to file for divorce before I let him know.

I doubt he would have taken it any better had he known for as long as I did that we were going to divorce. Even in the beginning of our separation, when we'd have huge blow outs and he'd ask me if I was going to file, I know he never really expected me to. I went back to him so many times during the course of our relationship so I'm sure he never thought it would really stick. Or maybe it was just huge denial on his part, because long after we divorced, he admitted that he knew he'd done a lot of horrible things and that as much as he used to blame me for ruining his life (by leaving him), he later thought more about how he'd ruined mine.

I'm not sure how much my reply will be of help to you, so sorry about that. But I guess my bottom line is that you need to act in a way that YOU feel comfortable with. In the end, whether you are completely upfront or if you end up sugar coating it, the result is going to be the same and and your wife is going to take it the same way, be it when you tell her yourself or when she finds out after being served with papers. Call me a chicken, but I couldn't do it til the very end. And even then it was just kind of a hint of what was coming.