I gave an answer on your other thread before I saw this. I think the comforting part about it would be (a), the TRUTH about how maybe failing to bathe and continuing to smoke and ignoring her own health was a real issue for her, (b), that you believed she COULD improve, but that you truly believed that any improvement obtained would not be made with you still in her life, and (c), you loved her, but felt you'd failed her by not helping her improve.

Also, though it may not be entirely fair, leavign it open for the possibility of a reconciliation at some point in the far future after she's effectively addressed her issues so that you would no longer be her caretaker, I think, would comfort her for now. I would suggest that you might want to dispell her of the LIKELIHOOD of that happening at some point after she had moved, after the divorce was over, after the situation had stabilized, so that she wouldn't be holding onto hope of having YOU in teh future and she could truly move on. But if the POSSIBILITY of getting you back is what could make her leave and get a new situation where she COULD work on her issues... I'd definitely give her that as a possibility, for her own good... give her something to motivate her to start her journey to self-improvement.

Truly, she needs that.

Do NOT say nasty stuff to her like that you hate her, that she's caused you to grow to hate her, that she's a dirty, nasty, smelly person who doesn't deserve you... Explain that this has been a long, slow, descent into a very bad situation that you are not able to fix for her, and you knkwo this is not who she is, but you can't make it better for her. You've tried and it only gets worse. The combination of you plus her plus disability does not work, it simply spirals down, and you need to reverse the spiral for both of you, and that means divorce, unfortunately.

Truly, if you can get out of this without calling her a smelly, lazy, demanding nag, you're doing good. What I've been worried about with you is that you'd hold off for so long that the parting events would involve name-calling & nastiness just out of frustration.

Thank you for trying to find the gentle way to make her understand while not being unnecessarily cruel. It's goign to be a tough line to walk, thoug... telling enough to make her understand & leave and have hope for the future, while not being mean and demeaning.

Good luck.