[quote]I gave an answer on your other thread before I saw this. I think the comforting part about it would be (a), the TRUTH about how maybe failing to bathe and continuing to smoke and ignoring her own health was a real issue for her, (b), that you believed she COULD improve, but that you truly believed that any improvement obtained would not be made with you still in her life, and (c), you loved her, but felt you'd failed her by not helping her improve. [quote]

these are logical and true, should she press again, i may have to word things like this to give her a reason but she did say a few months ago not to make me the victim or make it about me (ie making myself look bad and using that as an excuse)

[quote] the possibility of a reconciliation at some point in the far future after she's effectively addressed her issues so that you would no longer be her caretaker,[quote]

the suggestion is logical but unfortunately with things as they are now, i dont want to give her any ammo to be able to say 'he's leaving me because i'm disabled.' I simply dont want that to be a reason i leave her. While i've said what i've said already and cant take it back, I do feel at this point saying 'hey get better and we can get back together' would hurt her more. And lends credence to her desire to pin me in a corner to say i'm leaving because i'm tired of taking care of a disabled person. regardless of the spin on that statement

[quote]
Explain that this has been a long, slow, descent into a very bad situation that you are not able to fix for her, and you knkwo this is not who she is, but you can't make it better for her. You've tried and it only gets worse. The combination of you plus her plus disability does not work, it simply spirals down, and you need to reverse the spiral for both of you, and that means divorce, unfortunately.
[quote]

i've said a version of this. I've told her whatever i've been doing the past 8 years hasnt worked. Obviously i've failed and i cant go on failing, she needs other help. Then she goes on about why cant you just take care of me like i am then i have to say i cant watch her self destruct and it deteriorates to the vow thing etc etc. But i do prefer putting this on me, just with my take on it. That i've failed to fix her vs i dont want to take care of a disabled person.

[quote]
Truly, if you can get out of this without calling her a smelly, lazy, demanding nag, you're doing good. What I've been worried about with you is that you'd hold off for so long that the parting events would involve name-calling & nastiness just out of frustration.[quote]

the one thing you can pretty much take to the bank about me is i ask myself the question "how will it benefit me if i say/do this?" being manipulative or saying things....i wont say them or do them unless they benefit me. And calling her names and being mean simply does not further my cause so i wont do it. Now maybe after the D is final and she's away...that's a different story. but then probably not either, its just not me. But i cannot think of a single instance where hurting her benefits me and im just not that kind of guy to be mean for the sake of being mean.

oh and for the record, i never smelled her being bad, just the knowing she didnt shower was my issue. Of course all the cig smoke stank too. And in regards to lazy see she told me that she was in pain whether touched her or not so she wants me to touch her. But then i think well if you are in pain no matter what why didnt you help me clean the house and call your doctors etc?