I think there is sometimes a pattern where one of the spouses takes on more or all of the emotional support in a relationship. I think there is a subtlety that gets missed here. I think there is a need for people to give and support emotionally as well as receive support. The spouse that is in the supported role suddenly starts to feel like something is missing. They look at the relationship and can't really put a finger on it, because their "needs" are being met all except the one in which they need to be the giver. Anecdotally, I would say this unmet need is more important then we realize, and I think it is a lot harder for either spouse to recognize.

For example, my wife and I have always shared the "work" part of the relationship equally, I ussually cook and clean the kitchen, she does the laundry etc. However emotionally she is an open book, while I tend work out my problems internally and am more comfortable helping her through issues, then sharing my own.

It's not all my fault though, typically if I share some stress at work with her she gets a concerned look on her face and either lets me know how we will be O.K. if I lose my job, or I should quit and get a new job. When its just normal everyday stuff, I just want her to listen and understand (I sound like a chick here!) not get all catastrophic. Every job has stress, its not always an indication that somethings wrong.

I think its that I played nice guy so much, that we got out of practice when I need emotional support and I am beginning to realize there is a selfishness to that as well, that instead of giving my wife everything she needed, I was actually depriving her of a very important need.

It also fits with the bad guy syndrom as the OM. The "nice guy" appears to get screwed while the OM or OW turns out to be more overtly selfish. Everybody from the outside is wondering what the person straying is thinking when in reality they are just seeking out a craving for an emotional nutrient that has been missing. Just like when someone who feels sluggish may reach for a doughnut and just like the doughnut the remedy really turns out to be unhealthy and ultimately only fulfills the need in the short term.