| foundintx |
| (Bronze) |
| 10/23/07 11:06 AM |
| 192.91.75.29 |
trying to stay strong
|
This is my first time posting. I feel like I am starting to come out of a bad dream. I feel very disjointed so forgive my rambling.
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. From everything that I have read on here so far, he seems to fit a narcissistic personality type.
When we first met, he was very charming and handsome. He very quickly stated staying over more and more frequently until we were pretty much living together. He moved very fast and pressured me into getting married within 6 months of our first meeting. a lot of this pressure was the beginning of the verbal abuse i would endure from him. He started calling me constantly and accusing me of cheating onhim or trying to cheat on him. I had never encountered this situation so I thought that I could reassure him that I loved him by doing everything that he asked me to do.. he alienated me from my friends and family and wanted to control every aspect of my life.
After we were married I would reach breaking points where I would tell him I wanted to get divorced(he has both verbally and physically abused me at this point) and he would laugh at me saying that I was crazy. It was not until I filed for divorce the first time that he took me seriously and wanted to go to counseling and say he would do better. He convinced me to stay and try to work the marriage out, but that did not last very long.
We had a baby and I was focused on her care so things seemd ok for a while for me.
Now that he had me in the level of control that he was comfortable with, he decided that while every single penny that I spent needed to be dissected, he started to spend money to buy nice clothes for himself and he started to go out and spend large amounts of money at the bar with "friends" that I had never heard of or met. His cell phone also started ringing at all hours and he would never answer in front of me or tell me who was calling. He told me that he was just doing harmless flirting and that he loved me and he was just pretending to be single online for fun.
On top of all this he did not want me to spend any money onthe baby, saying things like why does she need a haloween costume, she has enough clothes. It makes me sad to think and not be able to recall a single item he ever purchased for his daughter.
I feel like such a fool for falling for all of his lies and allowing him to abuse me. He had me all but convinced that everyone treated their family this way and that I deserved the way he treated me.
I reached my final breaking point last Saturday the 13th of October. He was in a rage that day and spat in my face before he left to go "study". After he left I called my parents to ask for help. I then packed some things for the baby and myself and we left. The second my husband realized we were gone for real, he immediately switched into apology and lets be a family and I love you mode. I just cannot take any more. We filed divorce papers last week and he is being served. We are requesting an additional protective order and now just waiting to see what happens. He is still trying to talk to me, but i know that I am done talking... I do not want to expose myself to the chance that he would convince me to try again.
My focus right now is to get away from him and create a stable environment where my daughter can have a happy life.
All I need is someone to remind me that I am not crazy. How could I not see? How could I let me hurt me this way? How could I believe that the way he treated me was love?
finding my way back...
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 10/23/07 03:45 PM |
| 68.110.76.139 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
You're not crazy, some people have a way of drawing us in & making us think that they're right, the way they do things is right, and we're nuts to think otherwise. If he really is a narcissist or sociopath, then so much more so, and if your'e the least bit acquiescent or avoidant, it works on you so much better. You dont' need to be pathologically avoidant for this to be the case, and he does not have to be pathologically narcissistic... just enough that WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP, the balance of power was off.
Whenever things get out of balance, it won't work. The acquiescent one can make it work for a while, for as long as they're willing to suppress thier own needs, but once they realize that they're exhausted & don't have the strength to keep up the charade any more, it is over... because the other person will not allow a shift in the balance.
This person will not ever choose a mate who would not let him get away with stuff, because the relationship would be over in a minute... he chooses someone whose personality matches his needs, so that he'll get what he wants for some period of time without having to worry that the relationship will end.
It takes great strength of character to make a decision to try to make it work with a person like this. Some people look at us like victims, but the truth is that we make active decisions every so often, to stay, for whatever our reasons are, we stay. And usually the reasons are something indicating an inner strength that these people don't suspect we have. They're usually surprised by our ability to make a decision & stick with it, even when it means facing being treated like dirt.
And the decision to end it requires just as much strength.
My friends, when I left my ex 15+ years ago, told me they couldn't believe I had stayed for so long. I explained it as being patient, but they said I was a "victim".
That "victim" lable does not work for me. It does not apply to me. I reject it, flat out. Anyone who dares to call ME a victim will find out for certain that this is not true. I made an adult decision to marry him. It was an unwise decision, but I was an adult when I married him. And I stayed with him for as long as I felt it was right to do so. I was an adult, not some victim being tossed about with verbal abuse. I am strong enough to have my ego intact, no matter what the verbal abuse was that he heaped upon me. No matter how controlling, I am still ME. Not a victim.
When I left, I did not curl up in a little ball & wait for someone to rescue me. No, I picked myself up, figured out how to file the paperwork, got it done, signed, sealed & delivered. I figured out how to make ends meet on one income despite that I couldn't afford the second mortgage that we'd just taken out, and the lawn & pool maintenance people, and after work I didn't have time to do the maintenance fo rmyself, so I had to do something. I figured it out. I tightened my belt & figured out how to deal with it.
No one would dare call me NOT strong. It took a lot of strength to stay with this guy for as long as I did, and I DID. And it took strength to leave him when it became unreasonable to continue to stay. And I DID THAT, too.
You are not crazy, wrong, weak. You are not a victim. You made a silly decision, based upon a charming presentation and didn't give it enough time for the charm to wear off. Who hasn't given into a slick sales pitch & then regretted it after the 3 day cooling off period was over. You allowed a slick package to convince you to marry him, several years ago... and you did what you could to make it work.
It didn't, and you had the strength to end it when the time came.
You are not crazy. You were taken in by a slick sales pitch, and once you were committed, you tried to honor that commitment.
It's happened to a lot of us. You are not alone.
| sudenleesingle |
| (New) |
| 10/23/07 07:18 PM |
| 141.157.46.143 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Wonderful way of putting things. Everything you said is absolutely true.
"That "victim" lable does not work for me. It does not apply to me. I reject it, flat out. Anyone who dares to call ME a victim will find out for certain that this is not true. I made an adult decision to marry him. It was an unwise decision, but I was an adult when I married him. And I stayed with him for as long as I felt it was right to do so. I was an adult, not some victim being tossed about with verbal abuse. I am strong enough to have my ego intact, no matter what the verbal abuse was that he heaped upon me. No matter how controlling, I am still ME. Not a victim. "
I am at this stage. I made a stupid decision. I have been with this man for 10 years and I knew in my heart he was the wrong person for me. But as women we stay because we feel we can fix it..fix him..fix everything. We must realize we cannot fix everything..and we must have better faith in ourself to understand that we are never victims. I cannot stand the word abuse..either. It bothers me and I don't associate myself with it. The person I was with is sick. I am still working through this understanding and seeing the pattern so that when I decide to go "shopping" again I'll be picker about the brand I choose. And if the brand does not suit me, gets too small, or fades ..I'll have the knowledge and the strength to dispose of it and keep shopping. Hang in there. Yes we are all going through this. I am no different.
| foundintx |
| (Bronze) |
| 10/29/07 05:13 PM |
| 192.94.94.106 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Thank you for the words of encouragement. The past couple of weeks have been tough and busy. I changed the locks, all of my phone numbers, and had a security system installed in the house.
He was calling me constantly until the numbers changed and he is sending me e-mails. The e-mails all get sent to my lawyer. They range from I love you and I miss you to I hate and will make you pay all written within the same message sometimes. He also showed up one night at midnight and started ringing the doorbell. I was scared, but he left after a few rings.
The key for me is to make sure that I do not speak to him. There are things that I love about him, but they cannot be separated from the ugliness and I know that he will never change. He talked me out of divorce once before and it will not happen again.
Our first court date is on Nov 6th concerning temporary orders and we will take it from there.
feeling better one day at a time, one step at a time, and one moment at a time. I am finding that dealing with things in small pieces is a lot easier than trying to take it all in at once.
| saamrodi |
| (Platinum) |
| 10/29/07 05:30 PM |
| 24.32.252.148 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
foundintx,
"I feel like such a fool for falling for all of his lies and allowing him to abuse me. He had me all but convinced that everyone treated their family this way and that I deserved the way he treated me."
(((hug)))
"And usually the reasons are something indicating an inner strength that these people don't suspect we have."
take that to heart hun...embrace and REALIZE it, because you are strong will come through this with a big sigh of relief at the end.
Just keep taking care of yourself and your child. You are doing the right thing.
| foundintx |
| (Bronze) |
| 11/05/07 11:30 AM |
| 192.94.94.106 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Time seems to be passing so slowly right now.
It is so frustrating... he has withdrawn the IRA in the bank account with penalties in it's entirety. It makes me sad to think that I trusted him and all of the promises. From reading up on the subjects, I am not sure if he fits narcissistic or sociopath description better. He has not worked one day since we have been together and changes education plans every 2 semesters when he fails at the one he is enrolled in. Everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault, usually mine. It is so nice to see other people describe his crazy behavior and know that I am not the crazy one. He was paranoid and said i would cheat on him with everyone, accused me of waering clothes that were too revealing, forbade from speaking with pretty much any male ever again.. i was literally scared that he would call me at work(and he called me a lot) and a male colleage would be in my office for work related reasons, this would turn in to who is he, how long have you known him, you are going to cheat on me with him, it was endless...
at this point I believe he is only interested in how much community property he is going to be able to get ahold of before he disappears. The truth is that getting him out of our lives is worth whatever he ends up taking...
He made an appointment to see the baby on Saturday at 10:00 am
He has been avoiding service for an amended petition and Temporary Orders so the process server took this opportunity to serve him the amended papers.
The server was able to server the papers a few minutes before the meeting.
He was very angry and drove over to the house. He came to the door and asked for a registration sticker that he had made arrangements to pick up since last Tuesday.
He picked up the sticker, growled at me saying that I was using the baby to hurt him and left. He did not even look at the baby, ask to see her, or return to the park to spend time with her.
This is the second time he makes and misses an appointment to see the baby.
We have court scheduled for tomorrow. Wish us luck.
| MommaMia |
| (Platinum) |
| 11/05/07 04:09 PM |
| 68.204.157.130 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Good luck.
Your ex sounds a lot like mine.
Let us know how it goes. Stay strong.
| AmadePunkin |
| (New) |
| 11/26/07 01:34 PM |
| 66.213.13.76 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Wow, your ex sounds exactly like my husband. I applaud you for having the courage to take the hard route and put your sanity first. This is what you need to do for yourself and your baby, who is depending on you to be firing on all cylinders, not all teary and broken down. Congratulations on prioritizing for the long term, even though right now is HARD. I think you may inspire me to call the divorce lawyer I have picked out.
[Later the same day] Actually, you did.
| sirk |
| (New) |
| 11/27/07 10:33 AM |
| 75.168.185.44 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Many aspects of him sound like my ex. If you in fact have a temporary order and he is contacting you, he is in violation of that order and could go to jail. You need to call the police everytime he contacts you and demand that the police file a report. He's a dangerous person and his abuse could potentially escalate. You did nothing wrong. This is his wrongdoing. Those of us who have been abused come in all colors, socieo-economic backgrounds, different levels of education, urban or suburban or rural, all countries of the world, straight or gay, and even female or male. Some of us had very normal and stable childhoods and some of us did not. Abusers are very good actors and very good con artists and very manipulative. Abuse is all about control and power. He's pissed because you are finally attempting to get control back of your OWN life. He can't stand it. You are absolutely making the right decision because doing nothing could lead to you getting killed and becoming a statistic. However, be prepared for things to get uglier real quickly.
| asia |
| (New) |
| 11/28/07 12:03 PM |
| 66.231.113.85 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
I just read your reply and am so blown away by how it made me feel. A slick salesman! Wow so true. I just found this forum and signed up and started reading everything. I have been sucked in and spit out on a daily basis by soon to be ex-husband. Your words are giving me the strength to take control of this evil situation and move on. I have NEVER felt so bad about myself. 3 months ago I got hit for the last time-I put the farm up for sale, he used me to get his property in Idaho which has a cabin he is living in and has conveniently found his next victim-I so want to find her and tell her NO! DON'T He's going to hurt you. I've always been a strong person except for when it came to him. We have no children, he signed a quit claim on the new house I bought for me and the animals and has continually beaten me up in e-mails for things I had no idea bothered him. Thank you, thank you for your words, you are a very smart person and I no longer feel so alone. I have a good job as an engineer and have been barely able to function since finding out about the other woman. These men, nothing I ever did would or could satisfy him. In 8 years of being together I was hit a total of 20 times and had to drive him home after a hissy fit at a hospital when I almost died after a surgery. He would be so charming after an incident, he thinks his new friend has been sent to him to be her guardian angel. She's partially crippled and has money. He's plotting his next victim. She won't be able to fight back, how convenient, how scary. When I tried to take control of our relationship and be strong he became vicious, so I would back down and submit. Good doggy, now sit down and shut up-that's how I've felt all these years. Some days were so bad he would take out his shotgun when the dogs ran away and point it at them to shoot them. I'd scream at him and he would say he was going to shoot a pigeon. So psycho and yet I stayed thinking I could help him and he would see what a wonderful person I was that I was worth it. He stole my child bearing years, he stole my money and tried to steal my soul. This has been so emotionally draining and yes I have begged to make it work, but after reading all these blogs what was I thinking. He keeps saying he's going to come back for x-mas to be with us. Today I e-mailed him and said don't that it was over, I sent a link for the divorce proceedings and expect an e-mail that will be sweet and endearing as if none of this has happened, this has been like a vacation for him. No, you helped, all of you have helped to give me the strength. Thank you
| foundintx |
| (Bronze) |
| 11/28/07 02:04 PM |
| 192.94.94.106 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
I had not been back to read on this forum for a while but I came today and I am very happy to see that others can relate and gain strength from seeing that they are not alone in thier situations and that we can do this!
My updates are bittersweet. We had an emergency court date on the 14th of November, where he was demanding the vehicle and a laptop. When the day actually arrived, he backed down and was ready to settle. Nothing actually happened that day because he did not have proof of insurance to take possession of the vehicle.
We expected to have paperwork from his lawyer fairly quickly, but nothing came. We had another court date scheduled for the 26th so we did nothing until the court date. When we arrived for court he was ready to make final agreements. I ended up agreeing to give him the vehicle that he wrecked(but is paid in full) and he agreed to let me keep everything else including 401K, houses, other vehicle, etc... so the property stuff is settled.
HE expressed interest in visitation so the judge says he is the father and has never physically hurt the baby, so he gets to try. Since she is so young, he will not get overnight. He will get 1st, 3rd, and 5th saturday and Sunday from 10 am to 3 pm. I think that he may try to do this for a little while, but not for very long.. he is too selfish and has never had to keep her for for 5 hours in a row before. He may take her to his mom's but she can't do it for him all the time.. i am hoping he fades away from responsiblity as he always has.
the other thing that I agreed to was that he would not have to pay child support for 12 months, then standard child support rules would apply. We agreed to this because he would not agree to property division otherwise. He has another child from a previous relationship and made no effor to pay child support to see that child so past behavior tells me that he won't pay anyway but i want to have it in place for future because it is his responsibility to help take care of her.
If all goes well, the final decree can go into effect on Dec 18th!!
For me it is now time for healing. I go through phases where I can't believe I allowed myself to be treated this way, and the enormity of it all overwhelms me. there are periods where i feel lonely and sad for the loss of the dream of a family that he made me believe he also wanted. I blame myself for getting caught in his web of lies, I hate that I was weak and manipulated.
I joined a divorce Care support group through a local church which is helping, but I recently met a lady who referred me to a local women's shelter that offers individual and group counseling sessions for free. I have an appointment for an incoming interview on Dec 3rd. I really believe that I will benefit from being able to talk through the things that happened with others that can relate and help. They also say they can help you cope with having to interact with him because of the visitation.
I gauge my day in moments. I have moments of sad, moments of happy, moments of overwhelmed, moments of reflection. I will come through this stronger and wiser.
I am so blessed to have a beautiful child that gives me all the strength I need to do what is right for the both of us. These hard times will pass and life will only get better and better.
:)
| wifey118 |
| (New) |
| 01/17/08 03:53 AM |
| 163.230.130.17 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Girlyou are definitely not crazy. I know the drill. I was crazy. We have had similar situations. I was just naive enough to not only stay after the first incident where I needed medical care but I married this two of these types of men. Please go with your gut feeling your instinct your common sense and please leave now. It sounds like your parents are supportive. My mom sent me back , told me it was my fault and my dad encouraged my husband to put his foot down. I am now deeper emotionally and the second baby on the way. I feel very foolish and I now have a tremendous amount of healing to do, scared to death and very alone, lost a lot of friends and family support because I chose him. Wish i'd left when I was stronger , now it's one hour at a time. please cut it off now. you'll be ok, the baby will be okay, what we think we need sometimes is just ia so far from what's best for us and our children. Part of my problem was my committment to the marriage itself, my faith, my vows, but i'm waking up. do i care for him, yes. am i in love with him ,yes. but in loving him ,there's no room for me to love myself. once again get out now, no one deserves the disrespect, the abuse, the mistreatment and the children deserve good ,safe, nurturing parenting. I am also new to this site, just yesterday and it's been very helpful, welcome aboard to us both,
| wifey118 |
| (New) |
| 01/17/08 04:03 AM |
| 163.230.130.17 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
you mentioned appt to see the baby, what kind of visitaion arrangements do you have , i'm still trying to figure that part out and be safe at the same time. I really don't want to see him and he uses that to keep control, could use YOUR advice on this one.
| wifey118 |
| (New) |
| 01/17/08 04:22 AM |
| 163.230.130.17 |
Re: trying to stay strong
|
hi i just got to your last post, you're my hero.
no but seriously, you've come so far. your nut sounds just like mine, i'm thinking he'll repeat past behavior also and i just don't see him caring for a demanding 1 yr old and newborn for very long also. i still worry of who he'll leave them with in trying to prove a point. i'm even willing to say no child support or anything if he relinquishes pall parental rights. it's just nota good look even if something were to happen to me , I would not want him to raise the kids. he has 3 others, 9-7-4, the 9yr he hasn't seen since infancy,possibly forbidden to, would love to talk to her, the 7 sees often, mother is still his doormat and the 4 rarely. itseems as though he will not see or have a relationship with his children unless the mother allows him to do whatever he wants, also the 7 yr is the only one he pays no support to and she allows the whenever and short notice pick ups. she also allows him to spend the night and does his papers(correspondence course) for him. but i wasthe one he would wait for in the driveway at 2am w/ the 7 yr old in the car w/ him just to use her to get me to let him in. i don't want him doing the same with our children when he gets into another relationship. and remember their 1 and newborn. i guess i need to start w/ a lawyer, my money is very tight right now, i was left with all the bills . do they take payments, does anyone know? and please don't say legal aid i tried forever to get an appt before they dont even return the call
| foundintx |
| (Bronze) |
| 01/18/08 11:30 AM |
| 192.94.94.106 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
I am still here and still alive!
Things have been up and down, but I have been able to hold strong to my convictions.
I was able to take a nice break for Christmas and visit my family for 10 days. I had to come back on the 28th becasue he technically had visitation scheduled for that weekend, but I knew he was not going to show up...
Unfortunately, the final divorce decree proposal that my lawyer sent to his lawyer has my new phone numbers listed, and I received an unexpected/unwanted phone call on the 29th(I do not have caller Id at home and did not realize he had the number)
Before I knew what was happening, I was defending myself and caught up in a conversation where everything was my fault again.. I was crying and trying to explain things that should not even matter anymore... I initially agreed in the conversation to let him come over on the 1st and see the baby, but as soon as I got off the phone I felt just terrible and I knew that I had to get myself straightened out...
I took a day talked to some friends for supprt, then sent him a message indicating that we have an agreement in place for visitation and that I prefer to follow the rules.
He was not happy about that and tried to call me, and send me e-mails. I ignored all.
He then decided to finally show up for visitation the next Saturday which was his scheduled day. He showed up early, tried his hardest to make lighthearted conversation with me and be friendly. I was very happy that I was able to maintain composure and stick to serious conversation about relevant inforamtion like what time are you bringing her back... He said he'd bring her back at 2.. and maybe a little earlier than that.. he is supposed to get her until 3.
At 1 pm my cell phone started ringing and the first 3 words out of his mouth were "where are you".. what the hell! He was bringing her back extra early... I told hime that i would be home as soon as possible and he would have to wait for me. He arrived at my house at 1:20 and I arrived at 1:25. he told me that he could not come on Sunday because he had to work and then grumbled about having to pay someone to take his shift today and that he could not afford to be doing that... i said... ok, see you later.
The next week he starts mailing me more trying to make himself look good.. telling me how is is going to graduate, and get a job, etc...
if he is, good, but how is it that he did not have a job one day while we were together or make progress toward graduating and all of a sudden he is accomplishing things...
he still sends me messages trying to get response, and there have been several times where I feel very weak and lonely and I have the strongest urge to call him or talk to him, but I stop myself... .
I have a final court data scheduled for the 29th where my lawyer says we can do the final prove out of the divorce decree
I think he is trying to see if he can get to me before then to see if he can still stop things..
I am just working hard right now to stay strong and not speak to him.
I am working on Boundaries in counseling, and I think I am also now ready to participate in some group counseling to help me get through this final push to the divorce being final.
:)
| foundintx |
| (Bronze) |
| 01/28/08 01:39 PM |
| 192.94.94.105 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Hello Everyone! I have such happy news today. He signed the Final Decree papers!
I go to court tomorrow to do the final prove up in front of the judge. It is funny how I thought that I would never get here. I felt myself wavering every time he tried to talk to me or remind me of the good parts of him.
I also thought that once I completed the divorce, that everything would be easier. I now realize that the actual divorce is not the hardest part. the hardest part is that I will still have to deal with him.
I have been working hard to make myself stronger and I know that things are only getting better for my daughter and myself.
:)
| Nish |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/28/08 10:54 PM |
| 67.169.18.30 |
|
Re: trying to stay strong
|
Foundintx,
What great news. I am sure you are feeling relieved that as far as the divorce goes, he isn't going to stall things and it will be final!
It is very true that as long as you have a child together, that you will need to be connected to some degree. Just continue doing your best to keep it all about her and don't allow him to waltz down memory lane or demand to know what you are doing.