| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 02:18 PM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
Trashing the ex
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Hi all. I've not posted for a while. I do lurk from time to time to see what's up though. I'm over two years separated & 1 1/2 years divorced.
For those who don't remember, my ex was depressed, didn't want sex, was verbally abusive. I tried & tried, then gave up and he readily gave me a divorce. It was only later I found out that he had a GF. For so long I was angry and though I didn't often trash my ex, I would tell almost anyone the "true facts" of the divorce. I now have a few regrets and a little insight.
I wish I had kept silent to all but a few close friends about my ex's misdeeds. My main reason is this: He is the father of my children. The world doesn't need to know the things he did to me. Those facts have the potential to come back to my kids in some way and hurt them.
Turns out, the foundation I have with my kids was strong enough to hold. Trashing their father didn't make them love me any more. They knew full well (or would have found out) what happened and didn't actually need to hear it from me or anyone else.
Secondly, in some odd way, me and my ex will always be family. The further I get away from the divorce, the more I see that having had children together, it will always be so. As family, I feel an odd sense of wanting to not drag us (albeit split) through the mud.
My negative comments and gossipy tidbits became carrion for vultures looking for dirt. They reflected badly on the ex, sure, but they also did on me and my kids. Yuk.
While I don't punish myself and do understand what I did, I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and taken the high road.
My two cents from down the road.
Love,
Mari
| Motor-Head |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 02:42 PM |
| 75.149.88.225 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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Never say anything bad about the x LOL
That’s like saying men always lift the toilet seat.
Shit happens
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 02:46 PM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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I didn't say "never say anything bad about the ex." I said, watch who you say it to and exercise control.
Unless you want to feed your own flesh to the vultures.
| malone |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 02:54 PM |
| 125.239.48.83 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote]
Secondly, in some odd way, me and my ex will always be family. The further I get away from the divorce, the more I see that having had children together, it will always be so. As family, I feel an odd sense of wanting to not drag us (albeit split) through the mud.
My negative comments and gossipy tidbits became carrion for vultures looking for dirt. They reflected badly on the ex, sure, but they also did on me and my kids. Yuk.
While I don't punish myself and do understand what I did, I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and taken the high road.
My two cents from down the road.
Love,
Mari [/quote]
If it makes you feel better Mari, I too have come to the realisation that I will always be stuck, in one way or another with the ex. A big grey cloud of a thought, but I am because he is the father of my children and they love him too.
But the outcome of your situation would have been no different had you kept your mouth shut or not.
Here's why. I have pretty much taken the high road with my ex. Sure, I have vented all over the place on this forum and must of made a record number of posts in the shortest time ever. Because I vented here and not to any friends or even family.
But my husband has managed to do things and say things over the years to the point that now we are separated, other people feel free to finally talk about it.
It gets back to my husband who regularly accuses me of having told people about his rotten behaviour. I've told no one (except you patient people here). People who have seen it for themselves are doing the talking and explaining. They feel they need to even though I wish they wouldn't.
The same would've happeend with you. Even if you'd said nothing your ex would have been 'exposed' anyway. So I wouldn't worry about it at all. Plus your ex had an affair. That would've really hurt and been hard to say nothing about.
| HardKnox |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 03:03 PM |
| 65.165.5.70 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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Similarly, I may have trashed my X in this forum (have I?), yet all of my friends comment on how "weird" it is that my X and I remain essentially best friends. I helped her move yesterday. She bought me dinner. It was our wedding anniversary. We toasted a Modelo Especiale to "16 years of friendship, that not even divorce can destroy".
And somehow, I feel much, much better.
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 03:05 PM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
|
Malone --
I know that his behavior was obvious and public and would have gotten around anyway. But, I do think the message my children would have gotten by my having been more private would have been valuable.
They still love their Dad so every one of my negative comments wounded them. They didn't need that from their Mom. They could have seen me handle it with strength and dignity and good boundaries - just not the occasional snide comment.
Believe me, the dirt is gonna be out there -- I just don't want to be the one dishing it.
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 03:06 PM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
|
HK -- I am jealous that you are still friends. I wish we had that.
Kudos to you.
| HardKnox |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 03:13 PM |
| 65.165.5.70 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote]HK -- I am jealous that you are still friends. I wish we had that.
Kudos to you. [/quote]
I actually listened to and attempted to put into play the good advice I have gotten on this forum. I think Boobaa-Loobaa-Ding-Dong was most influential, what with not "marinating in anger" and all.
I have control over my own life.
All the $$$ I lost was always for her anyway, in case I croaked or something.
We've become better friends since we don't have to live together day in / day out.
I'm not sure where this will go from here.
Depends on whether malone "puts the move on me", I reckon.
| Motor-Head |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 03:20 PM |
| 75.149.88.225 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote]Similarly, I may have trashed my X in this forum (have I?), yet all of my friends comment on how "weird" it is that my X and I remain essentially best friends. I helped her move yesterday. She bought me dinner. It was our wedding anniversary. We toasted a Modelo Especiale to "16 years of friendship, that not even divorce can destroy".
And somehow, I feel much, much better. [/quote]
Good for you H-K
My x is really liking version 2 of M-H
Its almost scary LOL
| mrpat |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 05:06 PM |
| 68.41.4.141 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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"Secondly, in some odd way, me and my ex will always be family. The further I get away from the divorce, the more I see that having had children together, it will always be so. As family, I feel an odd sense of wanting to not drag us (albeit split) through the mud."
I just had this conversation with my mother this week. She was not thrilled but she understood.
| mfergel |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 05:09 PM |
| 68.57.84.234 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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Personally, I think my ex has trashed herself by essentially jumping into a relationship the minute I was out the door. People will figure it out on their own, unless of course she's trashing me and telling them something else.
| stoltz |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 05:11 PM |
| 32.97.110.142 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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What's that saying about keeping your enemies closer?
| mfergel |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 05:19 PM |
| 68.57.84.234 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote]What's that saying about keeping your enemies closer? [/quote]
All the more reason to go to that birthday party with the wifes friends.
| chatter box |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 06:05 PM |
| 76.185.59.234 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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I try not to trash except on here. I think I do a good job but I'm sure there is always room for improvements though. I get so tired of spending my day just trying to repair the damage she does by trashing me. I've been on the phone all day trying to straighten out all the medical mess she has created, the teacher's frustration in dealing with her and my daughters psychologiest dealing with the X and that is just today. I've had to explain myself to cops, my wifes X, friends, landords, boss's, CPS and countless others just because of her trashing me. I've tried over and over to just be civil and I'm tired of it. Didn't mean to ramble or still the thread I'm just PI$$ED OFF.
| juliacinaz |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 07:31 PM |
| 68.2.56.129 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote] I've had to explain myself to cops, my wifes X, friends, landords, boss's, CPS and countless others just because of her trashing me. [/quote]
My ex trashed me in the court documents; to all our friends and family and neighbors. To this day I think he convinced himself there was truth in some of it. He sat in court with his brain injury and all telling the judge he was the premium parent and I was not worthy of any alone time with our child. Can you imagine? I just sat there shaking my head as the judge ripped his head off. What comes around goes around. Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves.
| taryn |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 07:47 PM |
| 75.185.132.243 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
|
my stbx tried to say everything i filed against him was a lie.
over time his behavior is following him.
he's not quite getting caught,
but i know when things are not all 'hunky dory' the gf says the SAME things about him that i did.
he's back to drinking and a bit of whoring here and there.
while none of it's documented yet....i figure give it time...
as for the kids,
yeah. i HOPE They dont find out who their dad really is,
but they are figuring out the jist simply in his relationship with them.
| scbeck |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 08:23 PM |
| 99.252.97.150 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote][quote] I've had to explain myself to cops, my wifes X, friends, landords, boss's, CPS and countless others just because of her trashing me. [/quote]
My ex trashed me in the court documents; to all our friends and family and neighbors. To this day I think he convinced himself there was truth in some of it. He sat in court with his brain injury and all telling the judge he was the premium parent and I was not worthy of any alone time with our child. Can you imagine? I just sat there shaking my head as the judge ripped his head off. What comes around goes around. Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves. [/quote]
As I sit and read through this thread I have realized I am also guilty (especially in the beginning when the pain was so so fresh) of trashing my stbx to many of my closer friends and even unfortunately to my daughter a few times in a haze of so much pain that I didn't even know I did it. I have tried to let it go, I think my daughter has managed to forgive me, but there is still this tiny piece of me that beats myself up for that. Then I got to this post from Julia. And a flash of hope hit me dead center. My stbx also has a brain injury and I have no doubt has cinvinced himself that he is perfectly justified in leaving me after looking after him for the last 10 years, finding someone else to take my place before he had even moved out of our bed, stopping sending money to support his daughter while we try to get settlement details worked out, even for bringing his new GF here to this property while he finally came to get his things. I am waiting very patiently for a court date because he refuses to answer any of my lawyers requests for financial information from him and he has stopped sending the support that was at least keeping me from slipping into bankrupcy while I try to get this house sold. I only hope a judge will be able to see as clearly as I and everyone else I know does just how unfairly he has been treating me and in turn his daughter. I also hope I can find the strength to vent here when I need to but keep my cool with everyone else (especially our daughter)until I can finally have some closure.
Christine
| juliacinaz |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 08:32 PM |
| 68.2.56.129 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
|
Christine,
I am so so so sorry for not being more sensitive to your situation. I have so much animosity for my ex. He sits in judgement of others when it is plain to all that he can barely care for himself. The longer the brain injured go from the time of their injury the harder it is for them to realize how damaged they are. Unfortunately this war will do for brain injury what Christopher Reeves did for spinal cord injury. Make people aware. My ex is very good at faking. He keeps notebooks filled with details and plans of what to do and say in situations because his brain injury is in the frontal lobe. Once you reach a certain point in the relationship he has nothing left to give. Had I not gotten pregnant on our 3rd date I would never have married him. Besides he told me he had no residual problems from his 8 day coma??? Trust me he has them. He cannot keep a job in his field and friends come and go. The only friends he maintains are from before the accident. Our 7 year old can tell he has a problem. Soon she will not want to continue their relationship. She is advancing past him.
| tiredofnagging |
| (Gold) |
| 05/16/08 11:33 PM |
| 68.108.57.232 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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[quote]Christine,
I am so so so sorry for not being more sensitive to your situation. I have so much animosity for my ex. He sits in judgement of others when it is plain to all that he can barely care for himself. The longer the brain injured go from the time of their injury the harder it is for them to realize how damaged they are. Unfortunately this war will do for brain injury what Christopher Reeves did for spinal cord injury. Make people aware. My ex is very good at faking. He keeps notebooks filled with details and plans of what to do and say in situations because his brain injury is in the frontal lobe. Once you reach a certain point in the relationship he has nothing left to give. Had I not gotten pregnant on our 3rd date I would never have married him. Besides he told me he had no residual problems from his 8 day coma??? Trust me he has them. He cannot keep a job in his field and friends come and go. The only friends he maintains are from before the accident. Our 7 year old can tell he has a problem. Soon she will not want to continue their relationship. She is advancing past him. [/quote]
Well it looks like your bad choices affect your ability to be objective regarding others.
What a shock!!!
| Robfrommichigan |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/17/08 01:05 AM |
| 69.214.130.238 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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Nice post mar...Good advice for all to live by.
The moral high road may be a difficult climb, but in the long run., it's worth it.
| Calico |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/17/08 06:48 PM |
| 69.84.67.32 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
|
What a great post, Mari. Hopefully people new to this whole process will think about your advice.
My husband and I have been seperated for 4 years. We will never live together again, though we may not divorce, I don't know for sure. We get along better now than we did when we were living together. I thank God I didn't blow his garbage all over town, as we are still both living here and part of the community. I was always afraid of putting my kids through more pain by trashing him. You are right, he is there father and they love him no matter what. They are aware of his problems, and they still love him, though they did lose some respect for him.
I forgave him for my own peace of mind, and we get along okay now. I had the chance to show the OW's husband pictures of them together, and then I thought, why? It would hurt my kids and her kids! Why cause any more destruction than had already been done? To accomplish...what? More anger? More hatred? I had a great support system who let me vent to them and they kept it private. I always, always treated him respectfully in front of the kids, and in public. I had someone say, how can you be decent to him after the crap he has thrown at you? Because I dealt with it in private. And trust me, I did alot of trash talking about him and the old [censored]. It is nothing to be proud of, but pretty normal, given the circumstances.
I have tried to be a good role model for my kids, though I have failed them in many ways. I want them to know that yes, you can survive when someone craps on you. Yes, you can get up and go and hold your head up and go on. Because I KNOW they will all get crapped on to at some point, in some way. Life is like that.
This is a great place to come and blow off steam!!! You are anonymous, and it doesn't come back to haunt you.
| newlife123 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/17/08 07:16 PM |
| 71.203.119.189 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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I haven't been here in a long while but this hit home. I tried very hard to be the better person but I have to say I blew it big time on occasion. The OW works for the same company as I do and made no secret of the romance so it was in my face a lot. I tried not to comment on them as they became public but I did. It hurt and I'm not proud but it was hard feeling like they got "away" with it. I've matured since then and I start a new job on Monday. Far, Far away from both of them.
| tookway2much |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/18/08 08:08 AM |
| 71.182.22.165 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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Well done!!! Will take heed to the advice.. Most people think my s2bx is the bomb. I can't wait until it explodes.
| happytobdivorced |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/19/08 11:44 AM |
| 65.114.61.218 |
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Re: Trashing the ex
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I assure you they get what they deserve at some point.
My ex trashed me to everyone in our small town of 2,352 people. He even went as far as taking my son to visit MY family-8hrs away. My parents didn't give him the time of day-but my brother did. Part of the ex's plan was to show how great he was for going out of his way to taken our son to visit-something he knew I was in no position to do.
Well 1 1/2 yrs later-he is getting his. You know a leopard can't change his spots and the spots are still there. He has encountered enough people to show his true 'spots'.
I chose to say nothing. I just stick by the saying that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. There is no point in trying to defend myself. I have just let time show what I am made of. It is still not easy-but more people tell me what a 'dick' the ex is and that they are sorry they ever fell for his lies.