Please consider that in your marriage, whatever state it's in right now, your husband believes that there's a division of labor, where he earns the majority of the money and you do a majority of the dealing with the kids. In a divorce, there will no longer be this division of labor. You will have to find a way to support yourself (or have your boyfriend do it for you) and your husband will handle the kids needs entirely when they are in his household.

Just because he didn't do it before doesnt' mean he couldn't or wouldn't or wouldn't want to, just that he was busy having to deal with bringing home the bacon, which is quite a time-consuming and stressful thing if you're not equal partners in that venture. It's absolutely reasonable for him to think that you have the school and health issues under control when he's trying to deal with the finances.

Being partners and having this division of labor within the partnership of a marriage is a luxury that you ahve when things are going well between you, when one of you is able to earn enough to make ends meet for both of you (all 4 of you) and therefore leaves the other person free to have some space in thier schedule or in thier mind to worry about the kids. That luxury no longer exists when you separate. You will have to figure out how to support yourself (and the kids if you have them half the time or more) and he will have to figure out how to make time in his workweek for meetings with the teachers and school counselors (assuming that he will also have a reasonable amount of time with them, 50% or better).

If you cannot afford the house, with the upgrades you've made to it, then you can't stay in it. Hopefully he WILL be able to afford it so that you don't end up losing the house for the sake of the kids to live in. If he can afford it, then he gets to stay in it. You don't get to stay there if you need his help to do so.

You need to figure out how to make ends meet, make a plan for how this will work.

You may want to upgrade the time you spend on the job, or find a place to get better skills so that you'll get a raise or more income. You'll have to figure out a place to live that you can afford. Maybe you'll want to have the kids living with your ex more than 50% of the time so that you'll be able to move ahead.

Whatever you do, don't introduce the kids to the boyfriend quickly. THey'll put 2 & 2 together adn will know what happened to their happy family and be angry at you for it. Also, don't you dare try to suggest that their father is not at least as qualified as you are to be a full time parent just becasue he did not take the lead in fighting for their education. Sounds like he did a LOT just by finding a house HE could afford where the school district options made this wonderful school a possibility for the kids.

Consider that under the conditions as they exist right now (you having a boyfriend who is probably inappropriate to introduce the kids to right now) you may want to have your husband be the primary parent that they go home to, and you think through how you wnat to do this, make your plan, leave the family and get together with the new boyfriend, in your own time.

The kids will still love you when you're settled in your new place and it will be a whole lot less traumatic for them, you or your husband, if you do it this way, keeping the kids out of your emotional mess. And is IS an emotional mess.

Whatever is the issue, whether your husband has not taken the lead in parenting the way you wish, or is not warm and loving enough for you. Whether you have a hard time honoring a commitment when something better comes along. Whether your boyfriend did his best to charm the pants off a married woman as if it could be a great trophy for him. It doesn't matter. You have to deal with those issues on your own.

PLEASE do it on your own and without the kids having to witness it. PLEASE consider packing up your stuff, finding a small apartment nearby, and leaving your husband to figure out how to juggle the kids and his work, while you work out your emotional issues. PLEASE don't let the kids become part of your personal drama. Tell your husband that you want to still be part of their lives, but you need to be alone to work stuff out. He (and they) don't need to have details of the affair, whatever is your justification for it, and they certainly don't need to participate in your own move towards a different life.

Once you've gotten settled in the new life, with frequent times with your kids, with the finances worked out, your new or improved job or at least lowered financial commitments ... once you've figured out the place teh boyfriend will have in your new life, then you will have space to consider whether you want the kids intimately involved in this life on a day to day basis, or whether their father, thrown headlong into the parenting thing in sink or swim fashion, has come through it without a problem and is a good person to keep doing that.

You sound like maybe dealing with two special needs kids exhausted you and the home based business isolated you, so when something exciting came along, you enjoyed. Well, good for you for that. You wont' find much support for your position on that, but at least you recognize that it's a mess and are trying to figure out the right next step.

Please don't look for ways to tkae th ekids away from him. Don't look for ways to keep the house that you can't afford. Dont' look for ways to make him support you as if you were still home every day, cooking & cleaning & taking care of the kids. Just look for a way to figure out how you're going to handle your life on your own, and until you've gotten some stability in that new life, don't introduce the kids to it. THey have special needs and don't need to be part of your own disrupted life. Wait till the disruption has settled, have frequent visits, love them, but don't have them get to know hte new man, etc., etc.

If you do this, then 5 years from now, you and your ex and your kids and the new man in your life will be able to manage. But if you don't... if you turn this into a more miserable affair than it needs to be and drag everyone through your personal growth experience, then you and the kids and the ex and the new guy will all be miserable for years to come. They'll ahte you, they'll hate your new guy, they'll hate thier dad. They'll be angry kids whose special needs overtook them while their parents were struggling to deal with an affair and shredding of their house. Don't do it that way. TRY to do it with some dignity.

That means to leave the kids out of it for now. Walk away, figure out what your future looks like, and THEN bring them into it.

PLEASE!