| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/15/08 03:51 PM |
| 72.4.247.162 |
Need Input
|
Tomorrow I go to mediation for support, parenting time and custody. I currently have no lawyer and I'm not sure what to really expect. I just don't want him to come in and railroad me. He is already beating me down - trying to make me agree to a lower amount, and who watches the children, etc. Does anyone have any suggestions or input of what I need to make sure I take care of? Any input would be helpful. I am in New Jersey. Thank you.
| ssrachel |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 04:32 PM |
| 71.168.145.27 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
s-
make sure you log on later. (you're online at home right? if not, call me later, and i can read you some of the responses) some of the better advice givers on this topic will be on later.
is this the initial session that is mandatory? what they call a parenting class?
kat
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 05:57 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Child support is going to be what the guidelines state they are unless you agree to a lower amount.
And guidelines is something that I would stick with.
As for who watches the children, who has done that up to now? Who does he want to watch the kids?
Is there a disagreement on custody?
Here are some of the issues I would address:
Right of first refusal.
Extracurricular activities. Who pays what and how long the other parent has to reimburse the paying parent.
Medical (and I would have braces included in this). Again, who pays what and how the receipts are to be submitted.
Tax exemptions (make sure that it is tied into him being current on all of his financial obligations, including extracurricular activities), who gets which child if more than one, or if one, is it alternate years. If he gets one child, be sure that the net income for child support calculations reflect that.
I would also try to get a very specific parenting plan in place and how switches are handled. Such as, if he needs to switch a week-end, it is done in writing.
| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/15/08 08:30 PM |
| 68.81.51.18 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Thanks for the replys.
Kat-this is the initial meeting with the parenting class. My stress level is through the roof.
Some issues:
I have no problem with the ROFR. But after that he wants to dictate who can watch them and for how long.
He wants me to agree to a lower amount and then even lower once our children are in school full time. I me who even know where we will both be in three years!!
Before going to daycare they were with a friend of the family (four years they were with this women). He does not like her and does not trust her, and now wants
me to agree that the girls only see her at my house while I am here to supervise. I trust her.
It just picky stuff like that. Once he loses his temper its not a pretty sight. I mean when he found out I filed for support he came looking for me. By my house, my gym, my girlfriends house, etc. Who does that????
I just want to be strong tomorrow. I can not allow him to get to me.
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 09:03 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
You said:
Some issues:
I have no problem with the ROFR. But after that he wants to dictate who can watch them and for how long.
My response:
If he refuses to take them if you need a babysitter, he doesn't get to dictate who you have watch them or for how long.
You said:
He wants me to agree to a lower amount and then even lower once our children are in school full time. I me who even know where we will both be in three years!!
My response:
He's about to find out that it doesn't work like that. Don't argue with him. Just tell him that you are going to go by state guidelines. You will, of course, accept a higher amount of child support. But you will not accept less. And leave it at that. Let him argue with himself. There are guidelines for a reason.
You said:
Before going to daycare they were with a friend of the family (four years they were with this women). He does not like her and does not trust her, and now wants
me to agree that the girls only see her at my house while I am here to supervise. I trust her.
My response:
Well, he's going to have a hard time changing that considering how long they have been going to the friend. Unless your friend is a convicted sex offender or been convicted of child endangerment, he won't win this one, either.
You said:
It just picky stuff like that. Once he loses his temper its not a pretty sight. I mean when he found out I filed for support he came looking for me. By my house, my gym, my girlfriends house, etc. Who does that????
My response:
Somebody that you need to be very careful around. Seriously, whenever you have to meet him (even for exchanging the children), bring a witness with you.
You said:
I just want to be strong tomorrow. I can not allow him to get to me.
My response:
Is what he wants in the kids' best interest? From what you have posted, he isn't even thinking about the kids. He's just thinking of ways to screw you. Remind yourself of that. Make a list of what you won't budge on (child support being guidelines would be one of them, your friend providing childcare being another), what you would like, and what you don't really care about. And refer to that list and see where any offer he has falls on that list.
| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/15/08 09:16 PM |
| 68.81.51.18 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Thank you Jada - you have put a huge smile on my face.
Your right its all about him. On his free weekends he is off and running. I do not bother him at all unless the children are hurt. But on my weekends he likes keeping tabs on me making sure I am not moving on with my life. I answer the phone only because my kids are with him. Maybe I should now just let it go to voicemail. Hey, if its important, he'll leave a message.
It nice to be reassured that I am not the one with issues.
He told me that if I do not agree with everything he wants he will battle me in court for every little issue and cost me tons of money.
I now say - bring it on!!!! I am ready to fight for my children.
| melanie14 |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 09:18 PM |
| 12.218.148.0 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Yes, go with the guideline for support. Have you filled out an Income and Expense Sheet. Don't lie, but make sure you put in good numbers, the kids get to be more and more expensive as they grow up..trust me! Daycare expenses will be how much longer. And make sure that the daycare expense is a separate issue...NOT PART OF CHILD SUPPORT. Because once daycare is done other expenses will start to incur, such as sports, school activities, camps, GAS driving them all over, driver's training..all sorts of stuff that change as they get older.
As far as custody, think ahead when they enter school, winter and spring breaks, three day weekends, birthdays, holidays..switching every other year or splitting the days seems to work. Be cooperative but don't give anything away.
By the way, how many children and how old?
| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/15/08 09:29 PM |
| 68.81.51.18 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
I did complete the sheet(at least I think I did!) Also had to show proof of income when I completed all the paperwork.
Thanks for the tip about day care, and I never even thought about summer camp for when they do go to school full time.
I have been on the NJ child support web site and there is a calculator, so I am pretty sure what the support number will be. On the site they ask for the day care cost so I assume that is factored into the amount. But who knows.
Two girls - 3&5.
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 09:32 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
[quote]Yes, go with the guideline for support. Have you filled out an Income and Expense Sheet. Don't lie, but make sure you put in good numbers, the kids get to be more and more expensive as they grow up..trust me! Daycare expenses will be how much longer. And make sure that the daycare expense is a separate issue...NOT PART OF CHILD SUPPORT. Because once daycare is done other expenses will start to incur, such as sports, school activities, camps, GAS driving them all over, driver's training..all sorts of stuff that change as they get older.
As far as custody, think ahead when they enter school, winter and spring breaks, three day weekends, birthdays, holidays..switching every other year or splitting the days seems to work. Be cooperative but don't give anything away.
By the way, how many children and how old? [/quote]
She most definitely wants childcare added onto child support. This way it can be automatically garnished from his wages, just like child support.
The extracurricular activities that you mentioned need to be addressed separately and are completely separate from childcare costs and child support.
My child support is higher because the chilcare costs are added on to it. Once they are gone, the child support will go down by the amount that my ex is paying for childcare.
| melanie14 |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 09:45 PM |
| 12.218.148.0 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
make sure you ask about it. It's okay to ask questions! you got a lot of good advice. Are you feeling more confident? And what are you going to wear?
Two girls, make sure you go for the gusto. l6 year olds don't shop at walmart or Target..bathing suits alone can be $50 and up!!!! And jeans and shoes...crazy! Good luck tomorrow and don't let him bully you! What is your current visitation plan and how long has that been going on?
| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/15/08 09:54 PM |
| 68.81.51.18 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Yes, I am feeling so much better - you have no idea how much this has helped me. I plan on wearing a new outfit for work (since I have to go there after court) and I do look good in it. To him its not a big deal if he does not pay me. But he always has money to go out, drink, etc.
We have been seperated for over a year - my family and friends say I have been way too nice for way too long. We agreed on a dollar amount for support when we seperated but, after losing out on over $3,000 I decided to file for support.
For the majority of the time he sees the girls for about 2 hours during the week and every other weekend. Most of the time I am picking them up early on his weekends because he can't deal. Most people say to just tell him tough shit, but why make my girls suffer? I just can't do that.
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 09:58 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
[quote]I did complete the sheet(at least I think I did!) Also had to show proof of income when I completed all the paperwork.
Thanks for the tip about day care, and I never even thought about summer camp for when they do go to school full time.
I have been on the NJ child support web site and there is a calculator, so I am pretty sure what the support number will be. On the site they ask for the day care cost so I assume that is factored into the amount. But who knows.
Two girls - 3&5. [/quote]
I'm from NJ and it is factored into the child support. And those website calculators were over by a few hundred dollars, so I wouldn't go by them. Ask your attorney to calculate what the child support would be per the guidelines.
Another thing about the childcare costs, they are net of the tax benefit to you. You need to make sure that what they come up with as the tax benefit is actually what the tax benefit is. Childcare is capped at $3,000 per child. Since you have 2, that's $6,000. And then you only get to deduct a percentage of that.
And you need to come up with the whole year's cost of child care (this was an issue for me since I had one in school full-time and one in daycare full-time) and get the weekly amount by dividing the yearly amount by 52. Be sure to include any extra daycare (such as spring break and miscellaneous school days off) that you may need to pay. How I did this was I took what I paid weekly and divided by 5 to get the daily amount (which is what I pay the babysitter now) and then multiplied it by the number of days off of school where I wasn't off. And then I took 3 days off just in case they weren't used. I wasn't that far off (I ended up paying more than what was added onto child support, but not much). With a 5 year old, if you aren't already, you are dealing with a child who is in school (either half day or full-day), so daycare isn't as much. Except in the summer.
NJ allows modification every 3 years. And if there is a significant change in circumstances.
| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/16/08 12:11 PM |
| 68.81.51.18 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Well I'm back - we did not come to an agreement and will have to go in front of the judge next month.
I agreeded to a lower support amount, and that I would let him know who was babysitting our girls if he could not watch them.
However I was not going to agree to keep my girls away from the women that took care of them for four years. He wanted the visits to be supervised and did not want her watching the girls at all. I said I would not agree to that.
At that point he gets up and says Im not signing anything, we're going to court.
So he just screwed himself out of $400 a month.
And I never got to bring up the fact that he has not installed car seats in his car.
Ugh.
| ssrachel |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/16/08 12:24 PM |
| 141.150.207.158 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
sorry things didn't get settled today.
stick to your guns next month. and don't back off of what the guidelines say. you have him the opportunity for a lesser amount.
is he using any car seats for the girls? does he still have the car that seats won't fit in? i'd be having a royal fit if my girls weren't properly secured in car/booster seats.
remember...he's not the man you were married to. they change, actually we all change, but i'm seeing the divorce brings out the worst in some people.
| Spacer62 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/16/08 01:31 PM |
| 68.81.51.18 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
I hate this, I hate all of this. I just want the man that I married back in my life. Then I wake up and realize that will never happen.
He has now called several times to see if he agrees to the girls seeing the old babysitter will I still agree to the lower amount. He wants to go back to mediation, but that is impossible now.
I HATE IT. And this is just the beginning. So many more tears to come....
And Kat - he has car seats just won't put them in the car.
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/16/08 07:19 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
He called because his attorney probably told him that he was stupid to have walked out over something that he would lose in court. Especially when you were giving up more than him.
Seriously, raising kids in NJ is expensive. Don't settle for less than guidelines.
| FriendlyShldrs |
| (Bronze) |
| 05/17/08 01:48 PM |
| 24.4.0.13 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
[quote]...
Two girls, make sure you go for the gusto. l6 year olds don't shop at walmart or Target..bathing suits alone can be $50 and up!!!! And jeans and shoes...crazy! Good luck tomorrow and don't let him bully you! What is your current visitation plan and how long has that been going on? [/quote]
And that's why guys get so upset and make the cracks about ex-wifes always seeing an atm when they look at them. 16 year-old girls shop wherever mom can afford to shop and if they don't like it, they find a job to pay for it themselves.
Ask for what you need for the next few years. Figure out the increased costs when the time comes. If you play it fair with him, he might be easier to deal with as they grow up. Act like he's worth nothing more than money and watch how fast he disappears.
| melanie14 |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/17/08 04:28 PM |
| 12.218.148.0 |
|
Re: Need Input
|
Your STBX is a control freak. You know that already! How did you lose $3000?
Anyway, you have a long haul ahead of you..that's why I said go for the gusto. Who knows gas may be $10 dollars a gallon by the time they are 16. It's a lot harder to get more child support later, so do what you can now and don't go lower! What were you thinking!!!!!!
As far as a 16 year old getting a job, not really a good idea. For what they get paid it would barely pay for the gas to get there and back. Or do they need to buy their own car and gas?