| applebadphly |
| (New) |
| 02/05/08 12:44 PM |
| 24.15.221.9 |
Housewife divorce help
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Does anyone know of any help for housewives that are trying to get divorced? All of our debt is in my name, we have a 9-month-old daughter, and my husband is an alcoholic. I don't have any friends or family in this state and no job prospects that would let me afford to even cover the bills, much less rent and added expenses. I have talked to lawyers and all they tell me is that I could move to the farthest reaches of Illinois, but not out of state. They also said that he wouldn't be responsible for any of the debt and that I should leave all of the furniture behind (even if I am still paying for them) and just start fresh (with a kid and no money).
I know that I can get 20% of his check for child support and that he can help me pay half of day care, but is there anything else out there that might help me get on my feet? Does anyone know of any resources or any options that might help me? Otherwise I don't see any other option but to stay with him, and I know that's not good for me or my daughter.
| ILMom |
| (Silver) |
| 02/05/08 03:44 PM |
| 67.175.126.61 |
Re: Housewife divorce help
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Something doesn't sound right here. What is your husbands' salary? And you are a stay at home Mom, correct? Do you own your house/have equity in it? How many years have you been married?
Also, try posting this again in the Spousal Support forum (with the answers to the questions I just asked). you will get more responses. The state boards are very slow.
| Samsung |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/06/08 06:41 PM |
| 75.163.22.235 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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Now is the time to get an education, so you are financially prepared to get out. You won't be able to live on child support alone, unless he is a very high wage earner.
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/09/08 02:55 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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I would get a different attorney. Because if the debt was incurred during your marriage, he is responsible for a portion of it.
Illinois is an equitable distribution state, which means that everything isn't split down the middle. It is usually split in the favor of the one who needs it more. Meaning that you will probably get more of the assets than your husband.
Illinois also has rehabilitative alimony. But whether that gets awarded depends on how much your husband makes and how long you have been married for.
| infinity386 |
| (Gold) |
| 02/24/08 01:23 AM |
| 70.53.128.118 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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Welcome to this miserable thing called life!
Well sounds to me like hes not beating you or anything crazy like that. Guess he's just a good old fashion looser. Guess its time to honor those vows you took... Remember those? "sickness and health....good times or bad"?
I'd say if your going to bail on him at least you can do is not try to find a way to screw him over. Otherwise he may just shoot himself.... and there is no collecting child support from that. Oh, in case your wondering. All men consider suicide when faced with divorce. At least I did.
| mistake#2 |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/28/08 06:24 PM |
| 71.100.164.132 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote] Oh, in case your wondering. All men consider suicide when faced with divorce. At least I did. [/quote]
No big loss there...too bad.
| infinity386 |
| (Gold) |
| 02/28/08 08:10 PM |
| 70.53.131.146 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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mistake#2......
I hope you don't have any sons.
| KGrow |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/29/08 08:48 AM |
| 24.8.144.220 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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Your attorney is right, leaving the state is a bad idea. Leaving the county might even be a bad idea.
Your attorney is possibly wrong about him not being responsible for debt in your name. Unless that debt is your from before you married, he will be responsible for half.
Your attorney mentioned child support but I'm surprised that he did not mention the prospect of spousal support. Housewives are usually able to get a healthy allowance at least for a limited time.
| WolRon |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/29/08 12:16 PM |
| 66.242.81.47 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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I'm with infinity on this one. Respect your vows! He is.
Get your husband some help. The BEST scenario for your daughter is for her two parents to live happily together. Don't you forget that. Your husband needs help. That's the problem. Now fix it.
And mistake#2, that comment was entirely uncalled for. Infinity is allowed his opinion, just like everyone else. Many men consider suicide during divorce. I know that that thought and many other really bad ones ran through my head...
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/29/08 12:19 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]Welcome to this miserable thing called life!
Well sounds to me like hes not beating you or anything crazy like that. Guess he's just a good old fashion looser. Guess its time to honor those vows you took... Remember those? "sickness and health....good times or bad"?
I'd say if your going to bail on him at least you can do is not try to find a way to screw him over. Otherwise he may just shoot himself.... and there is no collecting child support from that. Oh, in case your wondering. All men consider suicide when faced with divorce. At least I did. [/quote]
Sickness and Health doesn't include staying with an alcoholic who refuses to stop drinking.
That is no way to raise a child.
And she should do exactly what she is doing, get child support and look into alimony while she gets herself an education.
| Jada |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/29/08 12:24 PM |
| 69.115.64.195 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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You said:
I'm with infinity on this one. Respect your vows! He is.
My response:
No, he is not. He is an addict. Who is not getting help.
You said:
Get your husband some help.
My response:
She can't get her husband help. He's got to do it all on his own. It's part of the process of becoming a recovering alcoholic. There isn't a dam* thing anybody can do until they hit rock bottom or admit that they have a problem. And sometimes, not even then.
You said:
The BEST scenario for your daughter is for her two parents to live happily together. Don't you forget that. Your husband needs help. That's the problem. Now fix it.
My response:
She can't fix it. She's not responsible for his choice to drink. He is. And he is the only one who can fix it.
And you are right, being raised in a 2 parent household is better for the child, as long as that household doesn't involve an actively drinking alcoholic, that is. Or the marriage is a viable one. And there are only 1-2 people who can determine if the marriage is viable. And that is the husband and/or wife in that particular marriage. Not you.
You said:
And mistake#2, that comment was entirely uncalled for. Infinity is allowed his opinion, just like everyone else.
My response:
That is rich coming from the person who demanded that another person title his post appropriately.
| Samsung |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/29/08 08:32 PM |
| 71.221.42.189 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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"Oh, in case your wondering. All men consider suicide when faced with divorce. At least I did. [/quote]
No big loss there...too bad."
You might not feel that way when your sons kill themselves. Or, how you, as a grandparent down the line, will get to see the grandkids a few hours a months, because your sons won't get custody.
| infinity386 |
| (Gold) |
| 02/29/08 09:22 PM |
| 70.53.131.146 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]"Oh, in case your wondering. All men consider suicide when faced with divorce. At least I did. [/quote]
No big loss there...too bad."
You might not feel that way when your sons kill themselves. Or, how you, as a grandparent down the line, will get to see the grandkids a few hours a months, because your sons won't get custody. [/quote]
Well said Samsung
| EmergeAnew |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/29/08 09:57 PM |
| 67.174.26.11 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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WoW! What a thread. Yikes :x
Apple,
There are many things you can do if your choice is to get divorced. There is financial assistance that you can apply for with LINK www.illinois.gov. There is all kinds of help for you and your baby there, also there is the WIC program for Women Infants and Children call 800-323-4769 to find your local office.
There are also attorneys that will represent you for free if you need to have one appointed for you. Or you can go to the courthouse and file for Dissolution and represent yourself.
Yes you will get 20% of his NET income for Child Support, Maintenance may be awarded, but it depends on your situation and how long you have been married.
It is certainly not an easy decision to make, but you are the only one that can decide if you are making the right choice.
----------------------------------
One question if I may...Does your husband know how you feel about his drinking? Does he know that you want a divorce becuase of it? I do agree with a previous poster, you cant make your husband get sober, only he can. He has to want sobriety, and he just may want that sobriety with his wife and baby girl. Just a thought.
| mistake#2 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 01:10 AM |
| 71.100.164.132 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]"Oh, in case your wondering. All men consider suicide when faced with divorce. At least I did. [/quote]
No big loss there...too bad."
You might not feel that way when your sons kill themselves. Or, how you, as a grandparent down the line, will get to see the grandkids a few hours a months, because your sons won't get custody. [/quote]
I was commenting to that particular poster...not in general to ALL men...due to his previous posts. I'm allowed my opinion and I think he's an a$$. I don't care if anyone agrees with me, I'm comfortable with my own opinion...and FYI, my brother killed himself. Yes, I have sons and know that they aren't biased as the poster I was referring to and it's ridiculous to say that they are going to kill themselves when they don't get custody of their children. What a ridiculous statement.
| Samsung |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 06:21 AM |
| 71.221.42.189 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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"Yes, I have sons and know that they aren't biased as the poster I was referring to and it's ridiculous to say that they are going to kill themselves when they don't get custody of their children. What a ridiculous statement."
Actually, it's not. There's been a study on it, and not only do a large percentage of men consider it, but some follow through. Some take their spouses and childrens lives also. The study showed that the loss of the family unit, the separation from their children, and feeling they failed are the main reasons.
| mistake#2 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 08:55 AM |
| 71.100.164.132 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote) Actually, it's not. There's been a study on it, and not only do a large percentage of men consider it, but some follow through. Some take their spouses and childrens lives also. The study showed that the loss of the family unit, the separation from their children, and feeling they failed are the main reasons. [/quote]
Ridiculous as my children are 8 & 13...and ridiculous to lump them into some study and ridiculous to assume ALREADY that they are going to get married let alone have children let alone get divorced. I know what studies say about failed marriages...but your stretching to try and make a point.
How many women on this forum have had their husbands kill themselves? None that I am aware of yet all of us are going through a divorce or have gone through one if not more.
Also, I'm intelligent enough to teach my children proper ways to deal with loss, anger and mourning. Suicide is a cop out. I'm not saying people don't think about it, but what an immature and selfish act.
So I still think your statement that my sons are going to kill themselves is ridiculous...but thanks psychic samsung for your divine reading of my childrens future.
| theanswerguy |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 03:18 PM |
| 64.12.117.143 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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To put it in perspective , suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in America, with men four times more likely to kill themselves than women and among men between the ages of 25 and 44 it's one ( top 3 depending on who's research ) of the leading causes . Post-divorce , men are 8 TIMES more likely to commit suicide . If 8 WOMEN killed themselves for every man post-divorce it would be BIG NEWS .
| Samsung |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 04:24 PM |
| 75.163.21.40 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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I really can't say much else. You promote suicide for certain people. You ignore the facts. The chances of a man getting married, divorced, and being a non-custodial parent, are higher than you think. 90% of Americans get married. The divorce rate is in 50-60% range, and men get custody in my state 6% of the time.
So, if a son gets married, the chances of you becoming a visitor to the kids, just like him, are higher. Using 100 people as an example, 90 get married. At a 55% divorce rate, 50 of the 90 will get divorced, and 3 men will get custody. Although a few will share custody, most will be resigned by the courts, as a visitor.
| mistake#2 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 04:44 PM |
| 71.100.164.132 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote] You promote suicide for certain people.
**Didn't promote for CERTAIN people, just made a comment about a poster that was being an a$$. Would I normally have made that as a statement, NO...I just went off his previous post.
You ignore the facts. It's your way, or the highway. Good day. [/quote]
**Didn't ignore anything...Although I'm noting that you ignored the comment on how many posters here don't have stbx or ex's that killed themselves.
Not my highway, just my own opinion which you can agree to or not...I would ask that you keep my children out of it though.
So how many son's do you have? Is that their fate also? How would you feel if I told you that your children are going to kill themselves?
I would guess that nobody here would take very kindly to that either.
Yes, you have a good day too.
| Samsung |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 04:49 PM |
| 75.163.21.40 |
|
Re: Housewife divorce help
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I don't have any sons, thank God. Otherwise, I would too, could count on probably being just a visitor to the grandkids. That's not some bad dream.....that's reality.
| mistake#2 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 05:05 PM |
| 71.100.164.132 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]I don't have any sons, thank God. Otherwise, I would too, could count on probably being just a visitor to the grandkids. That's not some bad dream.....that's reality. [/quote]
Alright...so in your own words from another post, TRUCE?
BTW - I STILL think that other poster is an a$$ but will offer a truce there too, lol.
| Samsung |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 05:12 PM |
| 75.163.21.40 |
|
Re: Housewife divorce help
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Well, of course he's an Azz. I was never defending him. A truce is good. Thank you.
| taryn |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/01/08 09:00 PM |
| 75.185.132.243 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]I really can't say much else. You promote suicide for certain people. You ignore the facts. The chances of a man getting married, divorced, and being a non-custodial parent, are higher than you think. 90% of Americans get married. The divorce rate is in 50-60% range, and men get custody in my state 6% of the time.
So, if a son gets married, the chances of you becoming a visitor to the kids, just like him, are higher. Using 100 people as an example, 90 get married. At a 55% divorce rate, 50 of the 90 will get divorced, and 3 men will get custody. Although a few will share custody, most will be resigned by the courts, as a visitor. [/quote]
in my case our kids almost nver see their grandparnets on my stbx's side and my stbx is court ordered spend his time wiht the kids at the grandparntens house! so our kids' coud be getting lots of quality time...and the dont.
our kids see my brother and his wife lots more and they live 45 minutes away.
| infinity386 |
| (Gold) |
| 03/02/08 01:55 PM |
| 70.53.131.146 |
|
Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]
No big loss there...too bad."
I was commenting to that particular poster...not in general to ALL men...due to his previous posts. I'm allowed my opinion and I think he's an a$$. I don't care if anyone agrees with me, I'm comfortable with my own opinion...and FYI, my brother killed himself. Yes, I have sons and know that they aren't biased as the poster I was referring to and it's ridiculous to say that they are going to kill themselves when they don't get custody of their children. What a ridiculous statement. [/quote]
Honestly, I really do not care what you call me. It just shows how petty and trifling you are as a person.
Oh, lets not over exaggerate the facts at hand. When I asked if you had sons, I did not mean that they would literally kill themselves. I honestly do not believe the other poster meant that they would either.
It was more of a general statement. What I can guarantee is that if things do not change.....in a child support/custody/separation situation your sons will be subjected to the same thing most men have been subjected to. Please do not fool yourself to think that you can train/raise kids to deal with such lost. No training on earth can prepare your sons for such a thing. Let me ask you. How can you train your sons to loose their children, then watch as their children are used to torture and torment them, all while having their finances destroyed? I would really like to take a peek at that training plan. First of all loss of custody is not simply a loss. It's subjugation. Subjugation to whom ever looses the fight. If you loose a custody battle and end up with visitation you have very little legal say so in regards to your child. You are just what the title suggest. Not a mother, Not a father but a visitor. The killer is that if you actually choose to fight for joint custody you can definitely count on having your finances destroyed. If you loose you can count on having your wages garnished. If your X is still bitter you can count on them using your child as a pawn to torture and torment you. More than likely they will be bitter after the battle because if not you would never have had to fight for custody in the first place.
| mistake#2 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/02/08 11:36 PM |
| 71.100.164.132 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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[quote]
Honestly, I really do not care what you call me. It just shows how petty and trifling you are as a person.
[/quote]
If I had accused you of having JBAR as an ex-lover, you might have made the same comment, lol...and to think a few posts back I said BTW, I STILL think this posters an a$$ but will offer up a truce there too, lol. But now I'm trifling...lol...your hilarious and taking yourself WAYY too seriously. Another poster commented "Well, of course he's an Azz. I was never defending him. A truce is good. Thank you"
LOL...get off your moral high horse. Your consistently showing that you have animosity towards women because they didn't stay with the man...regardless of what the situation was (as you assumed a lot and told other posters to honor their wedding vows). You are entitled to your opinion, just as others are entitled to theirs...and I realize that my post was not constructive but consistently yours have been belittling and non-supportive. Buck up camper...Oh and have a great day!
| 1227 |
| (Gold) |
| 03/11/08 11:16 PM |
| 64.81.150.197 |
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Re: Housewife divorce help
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Your brother suicide and you have this view on suicide. A COP OUT? !!! Or just whatever. Or that you can prevent it. COME ON!!!! Not saying your are heartless, but that comment was.