| hilltopper85 |
| (New) |
| 03/20/07 05:08 PM |
| 75.2.13.180 |
husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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I am brand new at this- married for almost 20 years, have 4 kids, and found out about my husbands affair- and a week later he moves out to live with her. (they've only known each other for 6 month- affair started 3 months ago). I am in shock- he claims i emotionally abused him for 20 years and he's never been happy! It's been 6 weeks and he still hasn't filed for divorce. I am just living in limbo! I can't stand this- I won't file because i don't want a divorce. I am a Christian, and choose to believe in God's Word. any thoughts or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. anyone else been through anything like this? thanks
| boothby171 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/20/07 07:39 PM |
| 207.190.218.202 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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Hilltopper,
I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you, and that you're going through all this.
I have not been through anything like that, but I was wondering---what did he mean by "emotional abuse"?
I'm not saying you're guilty of it! I'm just wondering what *he* thinks it means?
As other people come across your post, you'll hear other people who have been told, "I've never been happy." So many times, it seems that it's said mostly as a self-justification for the other person's actions. In other words, don't take it too personally.
| hilltopper85 |
| (New) |
| 03/20/07 08:14 PM |
| 75.7.143.137 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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boothby,
he said that i didn't 'validate' him for who he is- and that i put him down with my critical spirit, and sharp tongue.(and of course she validates him) I am not denying that these are issues I have, and am working on to be a better person- but he didn't talk to me about any of this until i discovered his affair, and he says he is too hurt, bitter and angry with me to ever get over it. Thanks for responding- I feel very much alone.
| clpeyton |
| (New) |
| 03/21/07 01:38 PM |
| 147.238.100.22 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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Okay, I am in the same boat as you as far as being a christian. The bible and God does not want us to divorce but if there is adultry (which there was) then you can divorce him biblically, morally and lawfully. Plus you can always remarry. I felt the same way as you and then I went to talk to my pastor and he told me that I can divorce my husband if he committed adultry.
| boothby171 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/21/07 07:20 PM |
| 207.190.218.202 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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Hilltopper,
This "lack of validation" is actually an issue in my marriage. I've also refered to it as lack of attention, and lack of passion. My wife can also be critical at times, but she can also be indifferent, sulking, and depressed. It often gets to the point where I, too, don't want tio brin g the issue up, because it only causes grief, and it does not cause change.
Because of this lack of validation/attention/intimacy/passion in my marriage, I've been horribly tempted to have an affair or two. I haven't yet, because it would destroy my family. But there have been times when I just have to have SOMEONE validate me for me! I realized earlier today that is one of the main reasons why I flirt--it's a way to feel attractive to a member of the opposite sex without having to commit adultery! People cannot live without some minimum level of validation/attention/intimacy/passion, and that minimum level is (but of course) different for everybody.
Please don't take this as a criticism of YOU! I don't know all the details involved, of course. But I do see similarities to MY situation, and I am commenting on that.
If my explanation helps you, then great, but please don't feel offended (that is not my intent).
--Steve
| hilltopper85 |
| (New) |
| 03/21/07 10:21 PM |
| 71.156.87.2 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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Thanks for your comments and honesty Steve. i didn't take offense- the biggest problem was I didn't know i wasn't validating him- our sex life(sory to be so blunt) was good- we had 5 kids (4 living) and I thought the ups and downs in our marriage were normal...I was completely caught off gaurd. As a mom, it is my job to protect my kids, and i couldn't protect them from being hurt. His selfish motives are destroying the kids, so i commend you in trying to keep it together- You know, marriage isn't about ones self- if it can be selfless, and about your spouse, that is how marriage is supposed to work..have you guys tried counseling? Maybe your wife doesn't realize how big of deal it is to you? i sure didn't- i wish someone would have told me before i lost my husband..Thanks again for your comments- write again- it's nice to have a guys perspective..
| hilltopper85 |
| (New) |
| 03/21/07 10:25 PM |
| 71.156.87.2 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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The problem is I don't want a divorce. We have 4 beautiful children and my desire is to have an intact family...but he has turned his back on Christ as well as us. He only sees the kids once a week. It is so sad. I hurt so badly and am so lonely- I really loved being married.
| boothby171 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/21/07 10:34 PM |
| 72.229.241.56 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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HT85,
My wife and I have been to counseling, both together and as individuals. It's had some success. Unfortunately, our most recent couples therapist said that we needed to stop seeing her until my wife took care of her depression in a more "aggressive" manner (not her word). My wife is still quite depressed.
Another note...my wife had been Roman Catholic (somewhat practicing) until both her parents dies within a 6 month period. She has stopped practicing, and is angry, and is depressed. That started over 17 years ago. I always offer to go to church with her, but she does not want to go.
I am a proselytizing, though spiritual, atheist. Always have been.
Do you love being married, or do you love being married to your husband (or, at least, to who your husband WAS, before the affair)?
| hilltopper85 |
| (New) |
| 03/22/07 03:39 PM |
| 75.2.54.51 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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Wow, there is a lot going on in your marriage- i too was Catholic for many years- there is a lot of "guilt" put upon ones self being raised Catholic- I also struggle with depression, but have mine under control with medication, Both of my parents have passed too- kind of odd- the similarities uh? Did you say how long you've been married? I no longer practice Catholisism; instead go to a Christain church where I continue to be challeneged in my faith walk. Challenged in a good way- to grow closer to God. I did love being married to my husband (before the affair)- he isn't the same man I knew. Although, I have to admit, there were times in the marriage when I wished it was different somehow- We didn't share a lot of common interests, and so I did a lot of things on my own- But still, I loved him deeply,(and still do- which is really hard)...but overall, yes, i thought I was happily married. You're from New York? What is the time difference from Indiana?
| boothby171 |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/23/07 12:35 PM |
| 207.190.218.202 |
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Re: husband left us to live with his girlfrind
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HT85,
Same time zones, BTW.
My wife doesn't go to church at all. Sometimes for Christmas mass.
We have a good deal in common, but not our outlook on life. Her sense of humor needs a lot of work, for instance. Mine needs a leash.
Go look at my original post; you'll find out a lot about me. You'll also spend a few hours doing it, so I won't be offended if you skip that part!
We've known each other for 21 years, married for 17. Two kids (16 & 15, different as night and day).