| Only14U |
| (Platinum) |
| 09/23/07 10:06 PM |
| 75.26.1.12 |
Can we still work things out????
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Hello Everyone!
I have read so many of your posts and learned so much from all of your experiences. I guess it is finally my turn to post. I need you guys.
I don’t know if I will be making the biggest mistake of my life. Here is the story.
I dated my husband for 2 years and have been married for 2. He is currently stationed in Italy and I am in CA. A couple of months ago he sent me a text saying he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce. By this time I had already packed all the household good stuff and was 3 days away from the movers to come pick everything up so they could ship it to Italy. I was supposed to come to Italy on military orders soon after.
His attitude then was dry, cold, detached, cruel... You name it. I was in shock. How can beautiful marriage just turn into a horrible nightmare? I tried talking to him, asked what can we do to fix things? If I could come to see what we could do to make it work? If he wanted time or space to think things over? Counseling?…. And, nothing! He wanted out, the faster, the better.(No cheating on his part) I never wanted to leave him, however I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love me. So, I said fine go ahead and file. By this point I was thinking he had war related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). But if he didn’t want any help, there was nothing I could so. There was nothing no one could.
A couple of months later….
I talked to him and told him, I’m ready to move on with my life. I am sick and tired of this, so you either let me come to Italy and go to counseling together and get to the bottom of this OR you send my car and my stuff back home (CA). File for divorce NOW. I forget about you. You forget about me and we each move on with our lives. I am seriously tired of all this non-cense and childish behavior. If he was so eager to file for divorse why hadn't he done so???
He said he was afraid to keep hurting me if we couldn't work things out, but after a long conversation he said to come to Italy for an X amount of time (a week, a month, a year?). I guess it depends on how well things go. That we would go to therapy and try to solve things out, but no promises on is part. I also said; no promises on mine. But I will give it my best.
What do I do? I know that I am not going to be coming to my gorgeous, handsome, loving husband. He has hurt me as well, so I don't think I can be the same with him, for now. I know that things might not work out and that in a couple of months I might end up in square one again, yet there is also a chance that things will work out, and this time for good. He is whilling to work things out and I am too. I do love him. I never stopped loving him and I am so proud of him for serving our country and he knows that.
Please yell, scream, slap me…. Anything it takes to help me wake me up and realize if I could be heading for disaster.
And.... if things work out between us.... all of you are invited to a party in Italy. But... if things don't.... then I guess you guys will be stuck with me for a while. LOL!
| jen2008 |
| (New) |
| 05/15/08 07:22 PM |
| 84.13.139.222 |
Re: Can we still work things out????
|
I have been there before. My husband went overseas about 1 month before I went so that I could finish up my job and get everything settled before we left. However, we got into a huge fight before he left and we went back and forth about whether or not I should come to Europe. Anyways, it is a long story, but I was in your shoes almost exactly, sitting in the US wondering if I should move overseas or not. I decided to go ahead and move. It wasn't an easy decision at all. I decided to do it because I wasn't 100% sure that it was over and I figured if it were over at least I know that I tried everything that I could. And if it didn't work out, then I could move on with my life easier knowing that I tried. I moved over and I made us go to counceling, he reluctantly went with me. However, that really seemed to work and we got along great for a few years. But now I am here in Europe and we are due to PCS in a few months and I'm back on the divorce message boards searching frantically for an answer again. Things went well for a while, but I think we have just grown apart and there have been way too many deployments. So I do sympathize with you, and I know exactly the struggle you are going through. I would advise to go and give it one more shot. Only one of two things can happen, it will work out and you will be happily married, or it won't work, but you can move on knowing that you have given it everything you have and it still didn't work. Also don't lose contacts in the States, you may need them!
| Only14U |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/22/08 05:57 PM |
| 76.103.157.133 |
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Re: Can we still work things out????
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Jen2008!
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how difficult it must be.
Almost 1 year later after hearing the tragic news that he wanted a divorce... I am happy to say that we were able to work things out.
Long story short....(Deep Breath) I moved overseas and was with him for about 4 months. Those 4 months were a true nightmare! We tried counseling. He said "NO!" And a million and one other things to try to make it work and he said No to all of them bc he simply didn't want me. So, enough was enough. I fought, I lost. He did the ERD papers and I came back to the states. While in the States we tried to make it work but.... it was just too late. He had done so much damage and I was hurting so much. By this time I feared and hated him with all my guts.
He sent me the divorce papers.... I cried one last time and decided to file. The day I was supposed to take them to court to file.... he called. He wanted to work things out. Now it was my turn no say, "No, I don't want you. I'm better off without you." And I honestly was better off without him. So I told him to convince me and to fight for me the same way I had fought for him. But that I couln't promise him anything.
Well, guess what? He did. He changed so much, which only proofs to me that he did have PTSD. There is no other explanation to the irrational behavior he had before. So he fought for me. He was patient and he put up with all my crap and my rejections towards him. It was all worth it bc he won my heart back.
He is not the same person I once knew and fell in love with, he is a much better one now. We have better communication and learned to appreciate each other more. And I am learning to trust and love him more and more as the days go by.
I am now in the process of going back overseas to be with him. And looking forward to starting our family. I do worry at times at what tomorrow will bring. What if things dont work out? What if I end up here a couple of years down the road? I guess is a risk I am whilling to take. For now, I can only live one day at a time and enjoy today. I'll deal with tomorrow.... well.... whenever tomorrow comes.
I now look back and wonder, how did I make it through? And yes, I made it thanks to the support and love of many people from this forum...(you know who you are.) Specially while I was overseas. Thanks everyone!
As for you Jen2008, hang in there. I know it's painful. But eventually the pain gets better as time goes by. I'm here for you, if there is anything I can do to help.
Best of Luck!
| saamrodi |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/22/08 11:58 PM |
| 24.32.252.128 |
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Re: Can we still work things out????
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You know what Ive always told you, you girly girl.
Do what you know is best. If you hesitate on what that is and follow through anyways, at least youll know.
Things repeat themselves though hun. They have to do all the changing themselves...if THEY want to and its not changing the person they really are. With risks come possible hurt. If you think you can handle it, go for it.
Un gigante beso mi hermana
~saam~