| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/21/08 02:13 PM |
| 208.101.147.36 |
Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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This sounds stupid but if i tell her i want her out of my life, she will be living here for the intervening months and I know she will have a hard time with me still treating her civilly. See the problem is i still do, and will be doing everything for my disabled wife until the time she leaves. She has no local support, closest is 250 miles away.
I think it will be very hard for her to accept that i'm simply fed up with things and her not trying to quit smoking, call doctors, get better etc. She will try to blame A B C on it and it could go into a pissing match but i wont let it, i see no value to it. And i fully believe life will go on with us just sitting there watching tv every night etc. So should i help both of us get through it, assuming i try to do this, and be mean to her so it gives her rationale for the divorce? I know it sounds cold but in a perfect world id just tell her i think we'd be great friends but i dont love her like a wife anymore. She does know i dont look at her as a wife, told her that last week in therapy. So i think none of this will be a surprise to her but she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I feel guilty about abandoning her but ive tried my best for 7 years. My resolve in life is so drained by her.
| linds07 |
| (Bronze) |
| 01/21/08 08:32 PM |
| 12.207.212.130 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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I think it's completely awful and cruel to go out of your way to be mean to someone in a situation like divorce. To kick her when she's already down does nothing but make YOUR life easier. Why don't you just do her a favor and walk away now instead of being, as you say, "cold."
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/21/08 08:36 PM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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Don't be mean. Don't think you can figure this out for her. Be yourself and let her figure out her own emotional recovery for herself.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/22/08 10:29 AM |
| 12.76.84.120 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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well the truth is if i havent been mean yet, i wont be. That's part of my problem. I continue to do stuff like i always have. So i feel guilty that this may come out of left field. then again almost a year of therapy she has to know things arent right. It's just my therapist told me to be straight with her so i tried telling her directly that her smoking is killing me (plus the cat ) and she told me 'what is the solution? I'm trying and when you tell me to quit you make me not want to". This has gone on for over a year that she uses me as an excuse.
My guy has told me to get a life outside the home so that's how i'm going to proceed. He said tell you are you going X and what can she do? So that's what i'm going to start doing. And as stated above, she can process that how she wishes. I just have guilt doing stuff and not being with her so i was and continue to be her entire life. she refuses to use the laptop i got her and even despises calls from family back home. Sees called ID and ignores them.
So i guess i have to do short term what i need to do to be happy and go from there. Ill still get her meds, feed her, take her to the doctor, do all the housework etc. At least she cant say i abandoned her in that way. And i guess i dont know why i even care what she thinks anymore. Thats part of my problem, i wish i was uncaring sometimes and just ran away to hawaii lol.
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/22/08 11:04 AM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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You have done everything for her for a very long time, including being her only social network. Divorce means you will no longer have to be her everything, but that doesn't mean you have to be mean about it. You simply have to separate. You've given her all the possible ways of reaching out or doing right, and she refuses, so simply do what you need to do in order to maintain your own sanity, and understand that it won't be easy for her but that she has other outlets if she chooses to take them (the laptop, phone calls from friends or family, etc.)
Hey, from what I gather, she does not get out on her own, so I suggest you simply stop BUYING the cigarettes that are killing you & her and the cat (and probably the value of your home for resale), and when she complains don't respond. If she wants stuff badly enough, she'll find a way that won't involve you, and that will give her at least one contact with the outside world (if only to find the local convenience store's delivery service).
YOu start going out and seeing friends... find a support group if you want, or go to a local gym & lift weights... do something healthy even if your first instinct is to find a smoky dirty tavern and drink yourself into oblivion (drinking makes the emotional stuff harder to deal with, so it's better to cut back if you're a drinker, while you're going through divorce) and the only thing you need to do is to make certain she is not left in a physically dangerous situation (if she needs 24 hour care, find a relief nurse for you to get away until you can get her into a nursing home).
My advice for you if you want to be NICE to her is the same as my advice if you were wondering if you shoudl be MEAN... be cordial, take care of business, and let her figure out her own emotional needs and let HER take care of her own emotional needs. You can't do it any more and ...
well, frankly, a person saying they want to get divorced, who is focused on trying to HELP the person they're divorcing, is really no help at all. The more you stick around, the more contact, the worse it gets. It's ... dare I say arrogant... to believe that you are the best person to help her get over you ... and for you to stay in her life, to remain her main social outlet during this time... actually hurts her more than it helps.
Read some of the threads on "no contact" to find out why.
I know "no contact" is an impossibility for you for a while, for whatever reasons you've decided that it is impossible (you better believe it would be possible if she picked up the phone and accused you of violence... all of a sudden, you'd be out and all your concern about her not being able to fend for herself without you would be worthless... take a read at any of "confused&Sad"s early posts)... truly, it's a bit naive?... arrogant?... I don't knwo how to describe it... arrogantly naive??? to believe that it will take months for something to work out that you and she can be separate, but since you believe that... at the very least, recognize that she WILL have to figure out how to handle being left, without your help, because by definition, your help just makes her more pathetic, it just makes it impossible for her to figure out how to get along without your help.
You cannot do THIS part for her. You NEED to leave her alone to work out her own emotional response to your announcement that you're leaving, and to find her own support group. You might be surprised at how quickly she'll find family and friends to help her out. Heck, you might want to warn them, let them know that she's going to need some support soon because you've decided that caregiver is not something you can continue with, (for so many reasons you can't possibly explain them all to her family), and that through counseling you've told her this, but that she's not done a single thing to resolve your issues so you're leaving and she might need some support in the near future. THAT would be about the ONLY thing I'd consider doing, and not letting it become a long discussion where they try to change your mind or ask for details, just say you don't want to say all the bad stuff and just want to move on and find a way for her to move on, and in doing that you just wanted to let them know what was up in case she reached out to them for help... etc., etc... you CERTAINLY don't want to get into a situation where you are explaining all your reasons for leaving to them and it will necessarily feel like you are trashing her to them.
But after that, you'll have done EVERYTHING possible to give her a connection to the outside world so she will have emotional support other than you, and after you do that, you NEED to let her deal with this without you.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/22/08 08:50 PM |
| 208.101.147.36 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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argh, i had long response typed up but forum got closed...so trying again
[quote]You have done everything for her for a very long time, including being her only social network.
[yes and i fault myself for not doing stuff much outside the marriage...now here i am making friends and leaving her behind...i just hate she will be out in the cold and i already have a leg up on moving on]
Hey, from what I gather, she does not get out on her own, so I suggest you simply stop BUYING the cigarettes that are killing you & her and the cat
[i cant be so mean to stop taking her to get them but i will not get them by myself anymore..she will have to go in and get them..i feel so dirty getting them]
YOu start going out and seeing friends
find a smoky dirty tavern and drink yourself into oblivion (drinking makes the emotional stuff harder to deal with, so it's better to cut back if you're a drinker, while you're going through divorce) and the only thing you need to do is to make certain she is not left in a physically dangerous situation (if she needs 24 hour care, find a relief nurse for you to get away until you can get her into a nursing home).
[well she'd dropped 1 cig in the chair that i saw and got one burn on her hand..other than that not too dangerous...unless you count the bashing on her head that she didnt tell me about last week....as far as the booze, i've been nursing a case of beer for 2 years so maybe time to go wild and finish it lol..i actually thought about taking up drinking but i forget to drink and when i do remember i drink one and get full and stop...i'm definitely going out and seeing friends..that part of it i'm doing to keep sanity]
well, frankly, a person saying they want to get divorced, who is focused on trying to HELP the person they're divorcing, is really no help at all. The more you stick around, the more contact, the worse it gets.
.......to remain her main social outlet during this time... actually hurts her more than it helps.
[i guess i'm not helping then..i just want to protect her and help her along....i guess i need to let her alone a bit so she figures out what to do and who to talk to...but like a parent, i worry about her]
Read some of the threads on "no contact" to find out why.
I know "no contact" is an impossibility for you for a while, for whatever reasons you've decided that it is impossible
[i believe when i say things, it will be better here short term because i'm knowing i'll be getting out and then can stop giving her hope]
You might be surprised at how quickly she'll find family and friends to help her out. Heck, you might want to warn them,
[ well i cant warn them, dont talk to them as it is lol....i do hope she quickly gets adapted though...i just feel like crap]
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/30/08 01:25 PM |
| 12.76.69.228 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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Well, i may not have been tactful but after all i've been thru i feel it's not that big a deal. I left her a note this morning pretty much saying we have to talk to night, i dont think i can do this anymore.
she called me at work..i'll try to summarize as best i can:
first started off all sweet, asked me how i was doing and stuff like that. Then in no particular order:
1. I'm sentencing her a life of doom, her mom doesnt like me but her mom doesnt want her and she cant live on her own! She'd rather be dead than life of doom
2. threatened to kill herself..but then said she wouldnt ever do it when i wasnt home, she didnt want me to worry about her, said she'd do it while i was home...then said dont worry, she wont do it anyway (she's tried at least 3x the past 12 years)
3. said when i met her i knew she was screwed up but i told her if she was half as bad i would still love her. She told me today she is half as bad and i'm supposed to still love her.
4. brought up her smoking and i told her how it killed me and every time i bring it up to tell her i hate it, she uses it as an excuse to keep on smoking..she said with all the bad stuff happening, she has to keep smoking...i said ok well you cant yell at me for saying what's on my mind when you told me it was bad i didnt say all these years
5 ADMITTED until last year when i said i might leave, she DID NOT try as hard as she could to get better prior to that time, but now that she knows i will leave she said PLEASE give her one more chance. I asked for confirmation. She said yes she didnt try as hard because she never thought id leave her.
6. i said as much as it pains you to go to all your doctors, it's me that has to take off work, drive you there, then sit there and watch them prod you and after all that, not a single one has helped you...so this is painful for me too
7. when you were told you plauteued in phys therapy and had to leave, you did NOTHING at home but sit there and complain that no one else ever helped you. I've seen people worse off that you including your dad and they got better or at least tried. her dad had a stroke and was near death but got to drive and function for 5 more years! Talk about an example of determination.
8. i took the blame for A coddling her B not encouraging her in the proper way obviuosly C not telling her all this before last year and now
9 I never doubted her love for me. But now she said she wants to be miserable with me rather than miserable without me. I told her if i stay it wont be fun for either of us and she said she doesnt care, she is better off with me. I did not have the heart to say i wont be miserable without her.
10.said one day i will have another woman leave me and it will hurt me bad and she will feel sorry for me
11. said her mom doesnt like me and wont take her in so she has nowhere to go
12 says i wont try to be romantic with her anymore and she is right..but she thinks if we just start hugging and kissing it will all come back again...i said unless your attitude and all else changes, i dont think it ever could come back
13 i summarized and said how can you want me even if i am not willing to try..ive obviously failed as a hubby because i cant make you better, didnt encourage you right, and havent been treating you well for the past year...why do you want to even stay with a guy like that? she said if i tried it would get better.
so it was a long telephone conversation. I never outright said i want divorced so i guess i have to do that tonight but parts of what she said got under my skin and i wonder if i should give her another chance. But then i think that when you blow up and seek marriage counseling that was putting her on notice that things werent right. And in theory she has had a chance with every doctor we went to see. Plus what really really pissses me off is that she SAID she never tried because she didnt think i'd leave her
what the blank is that about???????????????
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/30/08 01:49 PM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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And this current "try" (that she didn't TRY before) consists of begging you to stay. If you stay, she will STILL not believe that you will leave her adn she still won't TRY. Because she will know that all she has to do is beg, plead, make you feel guilty and maybe this time escalate the suicidal threats into an actual suicidal act, and you'll be right back.
She is sick and she can't get better without you. Even if you still loved her, she couldn't get batter with you there. You HAVE to leave her in order for her to get better. And then if she tries, finds a better life, and resolves some of the issues she's had lately, you'll be able to consider whether or not to get back together with her, with her as an independent woman (as independent as she can get) and a full partner in your romance (maybe even re-marriage, if that's what happens), and a complete participant rather than a drain on your emotional and financial resources.
Of COURSE it's better for her to be with you, heck, even if you're angry and hate her, than for her to be without you, because you are acting like her slave, giving everything to her, and not getting anything back in exchange. She's like a child who has decided that it's nicer IN the nest than OUT, so if she can convince Mom & Dad to let her stay for longer rather than go to school or get work or become independent, then she'll stay... let Mom & Dad do her laundry, pay the bills, etc., etc... and then complain that they don't treat her like an independent adult and impose RULES on her like a house curfew and no overnight guests or whatever...
Most kids want to grow up and be independent, but some are willing to let their natural inertia take over and will stay if they can convince their parents to let them. And your wife is treating you in this same way... if she can convince you to let her continue to be lazy and not figure out her own issues, then she WILL. And she's going to whine and try to make you feel guilty, like a nasty guy, if you dare to not go along with her plan.
BUT if you do leave, if you kick her out of the nest, then she just MIGHT find a way to fend for herself without you, and once she does that, she just MIGHT get better enough to attract you again (not that you or I or anyone believes this will happen, but we know for SURE it won't happen unless she DOES change, and we KNOW she will not change if you stay with her, and her motivation seems to be to KEEP you, so if it makes her understand why you need to leave, it's to break her from her inertia so that she can make the changes she needs in order to get you back... because she can not KEEP you, she has LOST you... she has the chance to win you back if she wants, but that chance will not be successful if the best she can do is say she knows you don't love her any more but that she needs you and will kill herself without you ... this is NOT a way to make yourself attractive or renew a romance, and she will see that once you're gone.
The pathetic act is not conducive to a good marriage. Good luck with this evening's talk.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/31/08 07:37 AM |
| 12.76.68.131 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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wont bore you with too many details except to say that we had a talk and she agreed no hostilities, no one hurting anyone and she said she would get an atty. But i said of course to look things over but we should save money and talk stuff out first.
but she told me i had to say the D word to her and for some reason i couldnt. I know, you prob wanna kick my ass and so do i. I guess the word ATTY scared me lol. And i do feel bad and guilty about the whole thing. But i'll look over my finances again today to try to convince myself i can live without her. I know i know...no price is worth staying, but i really want the house and dont want to be paying huge perm. alimony and subservient to her anyway.
EDIT...i just checked our accounts and THE &*()(*&*( WOMAN took most of the 'settlement 'money out of the joint account...so this is over..she finalized the decision for me for sure
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/31/08 10:15 AM |
| 12.76.68.131 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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so...i called her and woke her up... told her "you are sneaky arent you? you just made my decision for me, I want a divorce"
she started crying that she is sorry and a moron and that she was scared and her mom made her do it. Said she is tired of people telling her what to do (whatever that means). She told me she FORGOT to tell me last night. sat there all night and she just forgot at 15K transaction she did behind my back? I said if that is true then you need to forget about seeing any pain or other doctors and get yourself to a memory doctor as soon as possible. I said that is really bad to forget something like that. Then she said she was 'gonna' tell me and just forgot.
the sucky news for her is...the mom that told her to do this is NOT supporting her and will not let her move in. So she said she will be relegated to her sister/boyfriends trailer out on the farm they live on until she gets HUD or whatever she can afford. I Pity her more than ever now but i am done. She didnt know the 1st thing about all our bank accounts an even the woman on the phone told her she should know more about her money. And of course the woman locked the wrong account for transferring money so now my wife has to call and get that lock undone. My wife is adamant she only locked her solo account, not our joint. Truth is, that woman probably heard we were getting divorced and confused my wife enough that she agreed to the hold and didnt know it.
I told my wife i will not screw with or be hiding money etc. I never would have run off with the money and YOU were the one asking to be civil. I said all money is tracable and even if i gambled it all away, you could get it back thru the legal process!!!! I told her we will come up with a list of stuff we all agree on then i know there will be stuff to fight about and that is fine.
i still feel like &&&& relegating her to a life like she will have after this marriage but at least it will force her to become more independent and learn about things. She did work in a bank so you think she would know more or take an interest in money but she never did. Thought all we bought just got paid out my ass i guess, never knew our visa was so high etc.
the saga continues
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/31/08 10:55 AM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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Dont' try to talk her out of seeing a lawyer, because that tends to get people's suspicions up ... especially even if not her suspicions, her MOTHER's, and it seems she'll follow her motehr's advice. I had a friend whose stbx did that and the parents pointed her to the most expensive, nastiest lawyer in town, and his divorce has turned into world war three, with more than half their assets going to legal fees and the kids witnessing the mother (and mother's parents) assaulting the father. It's been nasty. And because HE had thought to save them money and suggest that they try to get a settlement themselves without lawyers, when the mother was all angry and pointing the wife to an expensive lawyer.
Bottom line with THAT friend (a neighbor)?... he's THRILLED to be getting the divorce, even though he's living on less, they lost the house, the kids only see him half the time... because he no longer has to support her while she sits home and whines about her migraines... he no longer has to worry that while she's bored at home, she'll be running off to have an affair with a co-worker (she supposedly DOES work, she just begs out of her shifts most fo the time, not telling HIM that she begged out of the shift, but rather playing hookey so she could go to the boyfriend's house).
I'm not kidding, for all They've lost, he's still young enough to recover before retirement, and so is she, if she's smart (which we all realize now that she is not, she was the classic trophy wife bimbo and the only reason she EVER looked like she knew what she was doing was that she would follow his lead on things and he'd cover for her & stuff... now that she's been on her own for almost a year, we're all astounded at the stuff she does, how stupid she is financially is one thing, but she's JUST as stupid socially, which most of the neighbors think is odd, becasue we always figured women to be more socially astute then men, in general, but this woman... GEE... she's alienated all the men, all the women, the teachers, the coaches.... pretty much everyone but her mom & dad, and even her Mom called her a nasty name when there was a pregnancy scare with the new boyfriend.)
I remember at the start of my own divorce, being mostly TERRIFIED that there was no way I'd be able to make ends meet on just my own salary, being upset at knowing that I'd have to sell the house (because I DID love it, it was my dream house with a pool and a lake and room for kids and the perfect little suburb with the best school district in the area)... I was sure that even WITHOUT lawyer's fees, I'd be ruined. And when I ended up leaving the marriage with less STUFF (savings, equity, car, etc., didin't add up to what I had owned before marriage)... I was SURE I'd made the biggest mistake of my life... in MARRYING him, not in DIVORCING him.
At some point, the decision to divorce brings the recognition that your tenuous hold on your finances will be worse for a while, and that's not good... but LATER comes the realization that EVEN after losing half of everything you own and EVEN if you have to keep paying part of your salary to support her for a while... EVEN with all that, you realize you're better off, you're in control of whatever of your own finances are left, you can choose to eat rice & beans if you prefer, or get a smaller car, or sell the house & move into an apartment. You can CHOOSE whether to put extra $$ towards the mortgage or shuffle it off into an IRA or start a college fund for the kids (this principle doesn't just hold for YOU, but it's kind of universal... I know YOU don't have kids)... It's your choice what you do, and when you get to the place where you KNOW what's goign to be left after the dust settles, it's comforting, even if less, to know what you've got to work with and to know it's all YOURS to work with!
You'll be fine. It's a good thing she showed her true colors before you let this go on for ANOTHER 10 years, 20 or more... and truly, did you envision living like this, in a stale smoke, caretaker role for another 20 or 30 years?
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/31/08 11:22 AM |
| 12.76.68.131 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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[quote]
You'll be fine. It's a good thing she showed her true colors before you let this go on for ANOTHER 10 years, 20 or more... and truly, did you envision living like this, in a stale smoke, caretaker role for another 20 or 30 years? [/quote]
every friend i talked to always asked those questions. Are you happy now? do you think you will be happy next year? And after i told my one friend i couldnt say D last night she told me she was sick over it. That i was self destructive.
I have no idea how the finances will shake out but at this moment she doesnt seem vindictive...at 'this' moment that is. And fact is if she is sharing a trailer with someone her expenses will be low. And i told her to get applying for SSI too but i guess she cant do that until we are legally divorced so she will have 'no income'.
i do feel better but i still feel like &&&&. I mean, she doesnt know the basic things about banking anymore and also she just told me she fell again this morning right into some electronics equipment we have on the floor. It's just sad and i hate it.
She apologized 100x about the transferring of money behind my back but admitted theres nothing she can do to take it back or correct it. She is really 'into' some aspects of this thought, i'm shocked she has a place to stay and even is thinking about some stuff now.
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/31/08 11:33 AM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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Funny how quickly someone can find stuff like food, shelter, support, when they need to. She'll be fine.
THe fact that you couldnt' say the D word is not horrible. Your ex was challenging you to say a really nasty word straight to her face when you were prepared to try to be nice to her, and you've not really faced teh fact that this is a DIVORCE. We have such an emotional attachment to that WORD. The face is that you have determined for your own sanity that you have to live separate and apart from her, without letting her suck the life out of your finances or future, and that if you do, maybe she'll start to stand on her own two feet... and that is what "divorce" is defined as in your situation... it does NOT require that you say the word, but that you have the intentions. The word scares a lot of people, and it will come to you eventually. As it did for you when you saw the vindictive thing she's done... it doesn't matter that she would return the money if she could (like why CAN"T she? Has she SPENT it already?)... but the fact tha this was her reaction to knowing there was trouble in the marrige... not to try to do as you've been asking her to do, but rather to try ot take money from your ability to access it... that's just NASTY. And of course you were able to say the word after she did that.
It'll get easier. The word is really NOT as magic, it does not hold any magic curse or anything.
And as for her telling you about falling... you've got to steele yourself for it to become more frequent. Even if she does NOT fall more frequently, she seems to think that being pathetic is what will hold onto you, so she'll become as pathetic as humanly possible to tug your conscience into wanting to stay and help her. It's a nasty, underhanded tactic, but she's been doing it for a long time so expect it to just get worse.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/02/08 07:50 AM |
| 208.101.138.183 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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ok this is bizarre...yesterday she called me later in the day (i dont call her during my lunch anymore) and said she dropped a cig ash and it burnt my universal remote control. I've seen her fall zzz with a cig in her hand before but to have it fall on the remote just seems kinda fishy after all these years
oh and get this. the other day she said keep her atm card so i can buy her cigs when i need to (boy was i tempted to get 15000 from the atm lol) but last night she cried and said she wants it back because she may forget to get it back later on and she may tell her mom that she did when she didnt. I said why dont you stand up to your mom? she said she cant stand up to anyone.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/03/08 12:19 PM |
| 208.101.138.183 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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wow..today i'm going thru drawers with papers and cards etc. She said how is this so ez for you do you realize you will never see me after i move out of here? I said i may, you dont know. (shes moving back home 4 hours away).
she then said i can come out for a booty call. She didnt laugh or anything but i said are you serious? she said yes.
sooo what is she trying to do? prolong being here? get me out there?
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/03/08 01:08 PM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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Tell her that the feeling for a booty call or missing her MAY come back after you get over her refusal to TRY to stop smoking to the extent that she ruined the remote control, after you get over $15K missing from the bank account, after you get over her absolute refusal to do anything for herself and demanded that you be her caregiver.
Tell her that after the two fo you are apart for a while and she works on her issues FOR HERSELF and not for you, because the time to do it for you is over... then maybe the two of you will find your way back to each other, but for not, she has wrung every bit of emotion out of you and it's going to take a while of you paying attention to your own needs (and not hers) before it comes back.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/03/08 08:26 PM |
| 208.101.138.183 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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what an interesting comment she made this afternoon. We were talking about our cat and she said she isnt leaving here until he dies or we put him to sleep.
now last year he was really sick and is still way to thin, but in most respects he seems healthy to me. But i'm sure last year if we didnt pay the 1500 to the vet, he would have died. But anyhow, i just thought it was bizarre of her to say. Plus then later i found out if she moved in with her sis, cant take the cat but if moves in with her brother she could.
BUT she believes that he wouldnt make the 4 hour drive even with the vets pill they give out. So i'm sure she sees that drive as his death as well.
What sucks is , without her here, he'd be alone all day and he's so used to her and hated when she went away and barely ate. So this is like no win and i hate it
| gigi |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/03/08 10:55 PM |
| 68.110.69.37 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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As much as I love animals, that's a ridiculous excuse. Tell her that you'll deliver the cat to her when she moves, or call her brother and arrange for yourself to bring the cat to him, or see if there's a neighbor or vet who can help. People who are as bad off as the two of you are don't stay together even for the sake of their own children, and a cat who may or may not be sick and may or may not like their new home and who she IMAGINES might not handle a 4 hour drive (so stop several times if it's so distressing to the cat), good grief.
She's going to try every trick in the book. Talk to Kent. His ex is the QUEEN of trying every trick in the book... or ... well, I think HK, who's ex is trying every trick in the book and is succeeding from time to time.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/04/08 07:53 AM |
| 12.76.66.35 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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I guess in all this i have to remember i had a year to think about and process it and she was 1 year in denial that i threatened to leave. So she is going thru it all now.
But as i went thru drawers full of papers to sort things out(geez what crap i save lol) , she asked if i was trying to hurry her out. I said well i'm trying to help you and plus all this has to be gone thru anyway and doing it for the entire house will take a long time. Yea i should have said yes i'm hurrying you but i didnt.
She said she wasnt even seeing what i was tossing out and i assured her it was just old papers that needed shredded years ago. I do have a pile of her stuff sitting there on the floor for her to go thru and as she saw some old anniversary cards she started crying. But i didnt toss any of her stuff out. But i bet when she starts going thru it she wishes i did because of the memories. Then she said about going thru pics. Fact is we have a scanner and if she really wants them i'll just scan the ones in i want. I'm only gonna fight about whatis really important to me..house/pension/alimony.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/05/08 11:22 AM |
| 12.76.84.207 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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well I tried talking about the house but she didnt want to. Instead she wound up talking about 'how can you stop loving someone etc'
so I told her she is a miserable person to be around, unsociable, hates people, is super depressed and the biggest thing was as much as she purports to have tried her best, i told her ok, then let me tell you i tried my best too. So now you know where i'm coming from
Also if you recall she told me last week she told me 2x that she didnt try harder because she never thought I"d leave. Well now she says she said that to try to keep me and would say anything to try to keep me...
I couldnt sleep so went back out and talked to her around 11pm and said do you want me out of this house to punish me or do you just want X amount of money? she said she goes back and forth between those decision. I said you know i have almost no money left after fixed costs here and if you take all your 15K and use it to get an atty to fight things, you will lose that money because he will suck it up. I said its best to get to the point where we agree on X and dont on Y then you can go get atty. She thought i kept telling her to not get atty. no! But if she wants to go that way, she can get her own, wheel to him herself and pay all the bills that come along with it. Sure will be fun trying to see how she does all this. I agreed to get her whatever paperwork i have on stuff because she knows nothing. But i think it's evident that her staying her just wont work out because i'll be pissed about the house/alimony and pension. She wanted me to go to the store for her cookies yesterdya and i said no you can go with me someday and get them. I knew she wasnt happy about that. If she will force sale of the devalued house, i wont make her life at home any easier, thats for sure. But we arent quite at that point yet. But why make her life better now if she is planning my demise? just cant do that and if she is looking out for her, i'm looking out for me
i think she appreciated the hug last night though. Maybe that will count for something
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/08/08 08:26 AM |
| 12.76.65.175 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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amazing...i told her i'm telling my mom this weekend and all she worries about is how ill make her look bad. She then said she wanted to go along. Um NO! Then she said i didnt encourage her enough and i never said kind words to her. Even if true, which we know it wasnt in the earlier years, i still did everything from a humanitarian perspective like making all appts, doing all housework and taking care of 99.9 percent of daily life activities for her. She seems to forget that.
also i think SHE should want to get better and not need me to help it.
oh well if it helps justify things to her she can think that way. i sure dont care what her mom thinks. At least she is finally getting calls from siblings so maybe she will get closer to her family. heck one may even come visit after 12 years of NOT visiting.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 02/14/08 08:16 AM |
| 12.76.65.120 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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you may have seen my other question about my grandmothers stuff. My wife said it was all marital stuff and i think we all know it's not.
but now my wife says she wants to see my mom one more time. I dont get what that is for and while yes they always got along, if i tell my mom that my wife thinks she can get my grandmothers stuff, my mom will flip and not want to see her. So on the one hand i think i owe it to my mom to tell her how my wife is acting but on the other, i sorta want to give my wife one last visit. But then i think it can only end badly....i just dont know
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 03/29/08 04:14 PM |
| 67.214.24.31 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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ugh she's been pressing me big time for the REASON i'm getting a divorce...wasnt happy with any of my answers before now. So i said i dont want to be mean but i cant see myself growing old with you and being happy. She seemed to accept that answer . She also said she wish it just would be something like i fell in love with another woman, she could handle that. I assured her my plan was to be alone, i'm not leaving her for another woman. I just didnt have the heart to tell her when i was alone when she was away i felt so much relieve of stress.
she also stated 'before this is all over, i have to get mad at you otherwise i'll never be able to leave'
so is this her going thru normal processing and justification. I can deal with that because i do believe part of the D process is for me to help her as much as i can. Trying to be a good hubby to the end
| boyzmom |
| (Bronze) |
| 03/29/08 08:10 PM |
| 75.169.54.91 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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IMHO first step, move out. Then have the divorce papers served. You've communicated fairly clearly and by continuing to "talk" you're going to make the process harder on both of you - you'll feel awful, you'll have regrets, she'll believe you'll change your mind. Talk to an attorney about the money issue. My ex was very controlling and I finally learned to hang up on him if the call had nothing to do with arranging visitation with the children. Yes, having attorneys involved can be scary, but it also means that you don't have to deal directly with the other person and it helps considerably to keep the emotion to a manageable level. Keep seeing your counselor - you're going to need it. Good luck to you.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 04/08/08 08:59 AM |
| 12.76.68.223 |
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Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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well in the quest to be mean, i did something so terrible...i dont know if she will recover from it
she asked me when the next scheduled trip to the casinos was and i told her sunday, so she said she wanted to go. This was after canceling the past 6 months! So i said sure but we split the food etc and just gamble with our own money. Well as luck would have it, she lost and i won. Came home with more than 1 billable atty hour more than i went down with. So it was a very profitable weekend for me and she was thrilled to go back one last time
except she asked to go again next month...now i didnt tell her the room is reserved for the day of our anniversary..and i dont think i'd be lucky 2 x in a row so i wont really wanna go back in May. I just told her it depends out things go with the D.
Also we had secks 2 times the past week so i dont think that is being mean is it? And she got in the hot tub for the 1st time in 2 years!
| HardKnox |
| (Platinum) |
| 04/08/08 12:37 PM |
| 65.165.5.70 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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[quote]Also we had secks 2 times the past week so i dont think that is being mean is it? [/quote]
YOU HAD SECKS TWO TIMES IN THE PAST WEEK?
I haven't had any secks in two frappin' YEARS.
WWIL, do you think your STBX is trying to get you BACK?
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 04/08/08 02:01 PM |
| 12.76.64.203 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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[quote][quote]Also we had secks 2 times the past week so i dont think that is being mean is it? [/quote]
YOU HAD SECKS TWO TIMES IN THE PAST WEEK?
I haven't had any secks in two frappin' YEARS.
WWIL, do you think your STBX is trying to get you BACK? [/quote]
well it was the 1st time this year and i cant remember when before then...i'm guessing spring...no idea..memory fades..could be 2006.
1st time was she had a heck of a time falling asleep and when she went to bed at 4am i heard her and went over to cuddle and make her feel better and it just happened. 2nd time was out in the hot tub...i guess her not being in in 2 years she didnt mind trying. Still hurt her but she did enjoy. And she still do this day asks if i'm gonna drive 4 hours for a booty call.
dont know if she's trying to get me back or not...smoking only in the kitchen, putting away dishes, and now this, could be interpreted as such. or she just loves and and will miss me and is trying to be 'good' until the end? We will never know the real reason. I know she tosses out 'lines' like 'it will suck being in the trailer with her sis and bf' and 'i guess i'll wind up in a crappy place like on tv' etc and maybe is trying to guilt me into staying. like last night she thought a girl was cute and i said yea and that was it..but then she said 5 min later why havent you said i'm cute for the past few years?
i didnt have the heart to say that with her attitude in life no one could find that the least bit attractive so i tried just avoiding the issue.
HK i thought you were finding a gf? I asked in the other thread about the HR girl :) etc. ( i know you cant date her now but thought maybe one of the other hotties would hit you up now)
| ILMom |
| (Gold) |
| 04/12/08 10:05 PM |
| 98.227.174.192 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
|
This is the first time I read your thread. I totally understand your desire to stop the role of caretaker. I felt that way with my drug addict ex. He pulled the same crap on me "Don't you love me? What about in sickness and in health? I can't get better without you..." Blah blah blah blah blah. (6 years of addiction and I gave him hundreds of second chances, rehab, private counseling, etc. It was all BS and his attempt to string me along.)
You really need to separate yourself from her emotionally and physically. It's time she did everything for herself. She'll figure out how to get from here to there. Part of that is ditching the secks (LOL took me a second to figure out what your were writing). She is trying to use that as one more hook to get you to stay with her and is trying to strengthen the bond. Al-Anon taught me about the need to compassionately detach oneself from the addict. You are not being cruel to her but you do need to set boundaries. Honestly bud, you aren't doing such a good job on the boundaries front.
Keep posting. I'm interested in your story and how things go for you.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 04/13/08 08:53 AM |
| 208.101.129.153 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
|
well started going thru most stuff yesterday and then later on asked me for a small bureau of my grandmothers and i said no..then she said she just wanted one little thing and would fight dirty and ask for more stuff since all acquired during marriage is joint. I said oh i thought you werent going to demand my grandmothers things. Then she thought over it a bit and called a truce...no doubt because she wanted to order out pizza and not have a miserable night of me ignoring her. So she knows she has to keep me 'happy' or it will be a miserable few months here. And she still has places she wants me to take her and i wouldnt do that if she got all pissy.
She continues to smoke only in the kitchen but i see her falling asleep in there and almost burning her nightgown but what can i do? Her atty came to the house and picked up her check the other day so hopefully this will move along quickly.
I think she was in a really dejected mood that day too..make this all 'real'
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 04/18/08 01:15 PM |
| 12.76.69.160 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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welp i signed today and it will be delivered next week restricted mail to the PO and ill have to take her to pick it up.
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/07/08 09:39 AM |
| 12.76.68.69 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
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[quote]
You really need to separate yourself from her emotionally and physically.
Keep posting. I'm interested in your story and how things go for you. [/quote]
ok how did i do here:
i took off yesterday because we had at least 4 different places to go and i needed to catch up on yardwork too...1st thing we did was go to the PO to get her registered letter about the filing so she has her D papers in hand now....didnt open until we got home but we had a nice day together...got all accomplished she wanted to and i even reminded her we need to go to the toy store because she wanted 2 new toys for herself since she is convinced she will never find another man. Went out for dinner and then to her DR and she shared a moment with him which was nice for them both. When finally got home she wanted answers as to why i'm doing the D and i rehashed a few things but it came down to no matter what she wouldnt like the answer.
also she asked if i'm going after the 15k she took and i said no, i dont want money, i want the credit for it...so at least we know the biggest fight about that :)
But it was nice going out to all the stores and i know she enjoyed it. Got some new clothes and little things she's been needing.
if i didnt already tell you, she still wanted good night kisses even after i told her i want D so i've been doing that...well last night, i did the peck but she pulled me back and wanted a longer one..so i did it...
so how am i doing at being mean?
| What will I lose |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/15/08 08:15 AM |
| 12.76.67.159 |
|
Re: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?
|
i guess i'm not doing too well at being mean....last night i got home, since the shrink was at 6 i said i gotta eat..do you wanna eat..she said no..but then when i started my dinner she went ahead and ate soup..felt sick after..so 20 min before the appt called off....then admitted to me every shrink appt she has she feels physically sick..i said why..she said because she had to face certain things (the D). So she left a message and the shrink called her back in a bit..she went into the kitchen, closed the door and cried but apparently what the shrink said helped her more than the past few months everything..so too bad they cant have phone sessions....since my wife is overwhelmed she said maybe my wife needs to go out and choose 1 or 2 doctors now where she will be moving so she doesnt feel like she has to do everything at once when she moves...and my wife asked me if she goes out a few days to her moms will i lock her out and say she abandoned me..i said no i wouldnt do that, thats not nice...she said she wanted something in writing.i said fine...then she asked why i'm being so nice to her...as nice as i was years ago....i said i've always been nice and helped you why wouldnt i keep on doing that....she said it was like i was relieved that we are getting D and can relax now...she's a pretty smart girl sometime isnt she? but i cant tell her yes i cant wait to get away from the smoking and depression you cause me...then finally i told her lets watch the old oprah show about quitting smoking...well 80% of it was how bad it is for you and the other 20 was that it's so hard to quit...it also had about the people around u how they get hurt so hopefully she realizes that now too..
so for some reason she thinks i'm treating her the best i have in a long time but i dont see it like that at all. I guess i'm biased though. Sorry for doing such a poor job being mean :)