| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 10:06 AM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
Did you ever think ...
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Do you ever think "Whoa. It must really suck to be with someone so soon after the divorce."?
What I mean by this is that 1 year post-d I, am in a crazy kind of place. I flit about like a hummingbird, not knowing how I feel about whom on what day. I date and date, and then get sick of dating. I'm not a safe nor smart choice.
Then, I think of my ex and others who are now married to or living with their affair or 1st post-d relationship, and I think "Yuk. That can't be good." The fallout from divorce almost guarantees we're going to go through a huge gamut of emotions. Not a solid foundation on which to build a relationship.
I just woke up feeling very lucky I am alone after 2 years post-sep. Like it's a big accomplishment I'm not hooked up. I never thought I'd say that.
I wonder when (if?) I'm going to feel normal or reach equilibrium.
| Cindy B |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 10:22 AM |
| 75.16.106.135 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Everybody has a different pace, Mari. I'll say it again, there's no finish line you cross. The fallout from divorce is something that will probably be with ALL of us for the rest of our lives. At some point, you just know you're sick of the shit, or you are ready to NOT be alone anymore. I spent the last ten years of my marriage alone. My kids were grown and out of the house, so I didn't even have their presence to distract me from how alone I was. My life was stultifying. I'm no longer grieving for my dead marriage. I no longer miss my X. I like my own company, but I've had an awful lot of it for a very long time. And no, I don't ever think that I must suck to be with someone so soon after my divorce. I'm grateful for it. I feel very centered and happy. And not at all like I'm giving away part of my identity. It's completely different, and maybe it depends on who you're with.
Everybody's experience is different.
XXOO
Cindy
| HardKnox |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 10:24 AM |
| 65.165.5.70 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Quote:
reach equilibrium
It seems like you already have, Mari. You seem to be comfortable with your life and comfortable in your own skin. If that's not "equilibrium" I don't know what is.
I've only been separated from my wife for three months and divorced for two weeks and I'm so bored and lonely I feel as though I am going to lose my mind. I miss the woman I MARRIED, not the woman I DIVORCED. I feel, at times, as though the loneliness is going to consume me.
I don't LIKE being divorced. I don't like it at all. But jump right into another relationship to try to fill in the void?
No way in hell.
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 10:33 AM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Cindy,
I'm sure everyone's experience is different, but I really wonder if we could fast forward 5 years, what we'd say about ourselves at this point.
I totally don't regret any of my past relationships post-d, but I also see I wasn't all that stable. Remember, I'm the one who chose to stay in (and idealize) a 25 year marriage to a cold fish. My choosing skills are not that good. I'm very much swayed by the heart.
I'm not putting down those of us who get involved or am judgemental, just wondering if we're not all a bit crazy. Because (after all) crazy people don't know they're crazy. : )
And thanks HK., but no, I really have not yet reached equilibrium.
| Sarah1014 |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 10:50 AM |
| 67.167.120.6 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Mari,
Thank you for so succinctly putting that into words. My feelings exactly.
Hardknox,
Lookie lookie who's returned!!
| Ryno77 |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 10:53 AM |
| 12.5.140.227 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Being in the same boat as you, Mar, I do consider it an accomplishment to still be single after two years but only because I don't think I've run into the right person just yet. If I had and bailed or if I hadn't and attached anyway, I wager I'd be pretty unhappy right now. The gratification comes in knowing a couple things. I took the time to reacquaint myself with...myself. I also weathered a couple dating storms, and a couple relationships, without premature-eLATCH-ON-ulating. Older, wiser, and onward now.
| Cindy B |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 11:02 AM |
| 75.16.106.135 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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I have to say that I really DO like being divorced. I didn't when I was just two-weeks into it, but a year later, I can say without qualms that I am happily divorced. And happily in a sexy and exciting relationship that makes me feel terrific about myself and about all the possibilities of life. Maybe it won't work out, maybe I will crash and burn, but as far as I'm concerned, that's no reason to deny myself the pleasure. It's like saying I'll never have a dog again because it hurts too much when they die.
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 11:12 AM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Cindy, I'm not sitting on the sidelines without a dog. I say "go for it" too. I have "gone for it" - no regrets. Just don't get married or shack up or move or (you know) fu*ck-up your life.
Last guy I dated, I considered introducing him to my kids, then said "nooooo, I don't think so." Two days later, we had broken up.
| kent |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 11:40 AM |
| 71.51.146.131 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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I TOTALLY agree with HK as far as my situation.
There is a part of me that would like to date, but do not think I am there yet (but I do think i am getting closer). I too miss the woman I married - but NOT the woman I divorced.
| Cindy B |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 11:56 AM |
| 75.16.106.135 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Glad you clarified that, Mari. Sometimes it sounds like you're advocating a life of loneliness. I have no desire for marriage or for moving in together. I like having my own place. Don't want to introduce him to the family -- not there yet, may never be. I like the fact that he's just mine.
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/03/08 12:06 PM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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Cindy - you are level-headed. Way more so than I, or many people on this list. For a time I would advocate everyone take a breather before they date. Once you're in it's hard to get out and mistakes are made. Sometimes big ones - just ask some of the married twice, divorced twice crowd.
| kajohn |
| (Gold) |
| 01/03/08 01:09 PM |
| 24.131.135.142 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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"Do you ever think "Whoa. It must really suck to be with someone so soon after the divorce."?"
Absolutely! I look at my ex who is now *openly* seriously involved with his other woman and think, man! When did you get a chance to figure out yourself before jumping back into it?
Right now I firmly believe that I do not want to ever get married again. I have been on my own for almost two years, I have dated (some successful, some not), and I have yet to get to the point where I have introduced my kids to someone. I just prefer my life compartmentalized right now.
I can't imagine having someone else in my house, making rules, taking up space, invading my space, and hogging the remote control. No way.
Maybe I'm just jaded and in deep denial, but if I am, I'm happy being there!
| vivian |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/04/08 10:48 AM |
| 128.122.155.49 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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"I flit about like a hummingbird, not knowing how I feel about whom on what day. I date and date, and then get sick of dating. I'm not a safe nor smart choice."
ME TOO ... but getting closer to solid ground every day
"Then, I think of my ex and others who are now married to or living with their affair or 1st post-d relationship, and I think "Yuk. That can't be good." The fallout from divorce almost guarantees we're going to go through a huge gamut of emotions. Not a solid foundation on which to build a relationship."
I OFTEN WONDER ABOUT THIS. Still not sure if he found his ideal mate, or fell into a sinkhole.
| MarMcMar |
| (Platinum) |
| 01/04/08 10:58 AM |
| 12.19.225.242 |
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Re: Did you ever think ...
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>>>I OFTEN WONDER ABOUT THIS. Still not sure if he found his ideal mate, or fell into a sinkhole. <<<
Exactly. And wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall to see how they interact? Like, if we were obsessed and couldn't let go of their sorry asses, which we are not?