(New)

05/30/08 03:10 PM

207.203.128.28

How many of you?

I am in the process of getting a divorce. Just a little back ground, I did cheat on my husband, but I an totally in love with this other person. My lawyer told me that I can not see him until after my divorce is final. I have read almost every post on here and it seems like everyone is dating other people before their divorce is final. I just wanted to know how many of you dated someone before their divorce was over and why is it that my stbx seems like the only one that wants to make that an issue. I live in Alabama and not sure if it is a no fault state or not and does it matter?

(Platinum)

05/30/08 03:25 PM

64.71.24.66

Re: How many of you?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here by saying….

Your hubby is making an issue because the vows actually meant something to him, I’m just guessing though!

Don’t mean to sound snide, but are you kidding?

(New)

05/30/08 03:27 PM

207.203.128.28

Re: How many of you?

If they meant so much to him then why did he not go the marriage counseling the three times I begged him to go with me. When I told him that I felf like there was a problem with our marriage why did he ignore it and say nothing is wrong.

(Platinum)

05/30/08 03:36 PM

66.160.216.207

Re: How many of you?

Why didn't you file for divorce before cheating on him?

(New)

05/30/08 03:41 PM

207.203.128.28

Re: How many of you?

I thought it about it many times before but didn't think I could make it on my own. I know different now. I know that I should have filed before but sometimes things just don't happen in the right order.

(Gold)

05/30/08 03:57 PM

75.8.64.62

Re: How many of you?

As one who was cheated on... what is done is done...you cheated and that is that. But, have a heart. None of us are perfect.. but you do need to give him some compassion now.

(Platinum)

05/30/08 04:00 PM

64.71.24.66

Re: How many of you?

I don’t have the answers, but I’m guessing you may. Sounds like your marriage was in crisis and you choose the route of turning to someone else, which right or wrong, is hurtful to the other half of a committed relationship.

I’m not judging you, but would like to point out that a little bit of empathy and compassion go along way, especially when your choices are hurtful to others.

(Platinum)

05/30/08 04:02 PM

69.59.205.143

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

As one who was cheated on... what is done is done...you cheated and that is that. But, have a heart. None of us are perfect.. but you do need to give him some compassion now.

Perhaps...but we are only hearing one side of the story here. He might be a complete arse...verbally abusive, whatever. Most people cheat because the aren't getting the emotional and physical needs met. While we can look at those that cheat as terrible people, unless you know what the other person is like I prefer to not make any judgements calls.

(Platinum)

05/30/08 04:07 PM

68.110.66.68

Re: How many of you?

if the new guy is right for you, he'll still be right for you when the divorce proceedings are over. Lots of people do date before the proceedings are over, but most don't even contemplate trying to meet or date till after the separation.

Turning your husband into a cuckold is not a way to get him in the mind of negotiating anything amicably. Your lawyer is thinking of the process of getting this over with, without turning the expense of it into something bigger than your combined assets would justify. The less amicable it is (because your husband is motivated to be less amicable because of the constant reminders of your cheating), the more expensive and painful and LONG LASTING the divorce will be.

If you want ti over with as simply and cheaply and quickly and happily as possible, then follow your lawyer's advice, and trust that your new relationship is strong enough to survive a few months of separation. If you can't trust it that far, then it's not much of a relationship... certainly not one worth breaking up a marriage over!

(Platinum)

05/30/08 04:24 PM

69.145.57.201

Re: How many of you?

I'll second what gigi said...if you continue seeing this guy all it will do is upset your husband and make it that much more likely that he'll go on the fight...also, if your state isn't a no-fault state, he'll have the edge in court (which he already does if your state isn't no-fault and he can prove your infidelity).

On your other question, the majority of us here didn't date until after our divorces were final. I know I didn't...

(Platinum)

05/30/08 05:48 PM

24.181.101.222

Re: How many of you?

Alabama is a fault state. Be careful.

(Gold)

05/30/08 06:15 PM

70.210.22.219

Re: How many of you?

TLV:

I need to ask, why did you ask your husband to go marriage counseling with you? Can you provide a few more details on why you have moved on and fell in love right away with another guy?

What you have done is exactly what my soon to be ex-wife did to me. However, she did not give me the chance to go to marriage counseling with her. I just came home one day and she said she wanted to leave. Three days later, she was in love with another guy. I just want to know how does it feel for you??

I was not an abusive husband, I was just busy with my job and hobbies.

I guess, do you have any love left for your husband?

Thanks

(Gold)

05/31/08 08:52 AM

98.214.145.38

Re: How many of you?

I second derkacz request.

My ex didn't want to do counseling. She said she tried to fix it on her end but I didn't respond. (i didn't even know she tried to fix anything)

Now she met a new guy and has found true happiness and she's jumping right into his arms with every fiber of her being.

Oh well, if she ends up living her fairy tale, so be it. She gave me up to be with someone else. I can't change that. She doubted me, was unhappy with me, I can't change that. I have to accept that she wasn't the woman for me considering how failed our marriage was.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 09:25 AM

68.57.84.234

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

I second derkacz request.

My ex didn't want to do counseling. She said she tried to fix it on her end but I didn't respond. (i didn't even know she tried to fix anything)

Now she met a new guy and has found true happiness and she's jumping right into his arms with every fiber of her being.

Oh well, if she ends up living her fairy tale, so be it. She gave me up to be with someone else. I can't change that. She doubted me, was unhappy with me, I can't change that. I have to accept that she wasn't the woman for me considering how failed our marriage was.

Plus three. Said she would go to at least one session. After I started going, she decided she didn't need counseling, that she was fine the way she is. One week after I moved out, she's with Jason. Those two can rot in hell together.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 02:04 PM

68.2.56.129

Re: How many of you?

[quote
Plus three. Said she would go to at least one session. After I started going, she decided she didn't need counseling, that she was fine the way she is. One week after I moved out, she's with Jason. Those two can rot in hell together.

Do you think she was seeing Jason during your marriage? Or it just happened and she quit the counseling? Mine denied cheating but I saw all the signs.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 04:40 PM

69.115.64.195

Re: How many of you?

Alabama is a state that takes fault(such as cheating) into consideration when it comes time to divide up the assets and debt.

No, I did not date while I was still married (and being in the process of divorce is still married).

Your stbx is making a big deal because, well, you cheated. And by cheating on him, you put his life at risk. Ever heard of HIV/AIDS? Not to mention STDs.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 04:41 PM

69.115.64.195

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

I thought it about it many times before but didn't think I could make it on my own. I know different now. I know that I should have filed before but sometimes things just don't happen in the right order.

Cheating is a choice. It doesn't just happen.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 06:17 PM

68.57.84.234

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

[quote
Plus three. Said she would go to at least one session. After I started going, she decided she didn't need counseling, that she was fine the way she is. One week after I moved out, she's with Jason. Those two can rot in hell together.

Do you think she was seeing Jason during your marriage? Or it just happened and she quit the counseling? Mine denied cheating but I saw all the signs.

She never went to counseling. Said she would go with me but didn't. She says she met him about a week before we separated and that he had asked for her number but she didn't give it too him until a couple of weeks later. I think bull crap. I think she had met him before we were separated. No, I don't think she did anything physically, but I think she had been talking too him, etc.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 09:16 PM

72.65.150.233

Re: How many of you?

Most of us on this forum are grieving from losing a spouse, one way or another. Not because we screwed around with someone on our spouse, and now in love. So it's hard to answer that question. But as long as your in love with the other person, all the pain you caused is erased. "NOT"

(Platinum)

05/31/08 09:30 PM

64.12.117.143

Re: How many of you?

I'd love to know how " survivable " a relationship like this could be . How could the other person fully trust their partner knowing they hadn't bothered to end their prior relationship before starting another . Seems like a recipe for future disaster to me .

(Platinum)

05/31/08 09:51 PM

75.185.131.248

Re: How many of you?

cheaters are NOT in my happy book.
but at least you were honest in this thread.

that having been said....

what you do is what you do,
BUT
IF you have kids keep them away from the bf/om for this entire process.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 10:22 PM

71.168.130.63

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

I am in the process of getting a divorce. Just a little back ground, I did cheat on my husband, but I an totally in love with this other person. My lawyer told me that I can not see him until after my divorce is final. I have read almost every post on here and it seems like everyone is dating other people before their divorce is final. I just wanted to know how many of you dated someone before their divorce was over and why is it that my stbx seems like the only one that wants to make that an issue. I live in Alabama and not sure if it is a no fault state or not and does it matter?

are you for real? you're not just talking about going to dinner with someone you just met after you and your husband split up. you CHEATED. you are way beyond "dating". give me a break.

(Platinum)

05/31/08 10:45 PM

75.185.131.248

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

Quote:

t matter?

are you for real? you're not just talking about going to dinner with someone you just met after you and your husband split up. you CHEATED. you are way beyond "dating". give me a break.

thats pretty much what i was thinking,
but i figured at this point this chick really doesnt CARE about the wrongness of her choices.
so i figured it's best to focus on the kids.

(but here here to KAT!)

(Gold)

06/01/08 03:20 AM

70.210.18.102

Re: How many of you?

Quote "She says she met him about a week before we separated and that he had asked for her number but she didn't give it too him until a couple of weeks later. I think bull crap. I think she had met him before we were separated. No, I don't think she did anything physically, but I think she had been talking too him, etc." END QUOTE.

Mark,

Wow, That is word for word what my STBX told me. She called her new man while we were still together. She spoke with him several times for hours at a time. Then she left me and started screwing him. She never spent a second alone.

WOW, that is so scary how word for word that is.

QUOTE " I'd love to know how " survivable " a relationship like this could be . How could the other person fully trust their partner knowing they hadn't bothered to end their prior relationship before starting another . Seems like a recipe for future disaster to me ." END QUOTE.

theanswerguy,

I agree with this statment. I think my STBX told her new man that she was divorced and had left me along time ago. The funny part about my STBX's new relationship is that her new man, well, he is divorced as well, the best part, is that he left his wife because she was cheating on him. What makes him any better than his ex-wife now?? Look what he did to my STBX? My STBX may have not been happy, but I could have fixed it. She was complaining to him about us, and he just started working his magic. What an ass. Why would anyone fu*k their patient....

(Platinum)

06/01/08 03:49 AM

68.57.84.234

Re: How many of you?

My stbx's boyfriend is separated as well. He's only been separated since January. Rebound for both of them. What do you think the chances are of that relationship lasting? Plus, they both involved the children in their little relationship. They are both a couple of selfish assholes.

(Gold)

06/01/08 11:31 AM

70.212.84.74

Re: How many of you?

Mark,

I am not sure how long their relationship would last. If I look at myself, my relationship and marriage with my STBX was a rebound as well. I left a relationship and my STBX left a relationship and we hopped into bed with each other and she moved in my place in less than two weeks. We lasted four years, but we didn't last forever.

If your STBX has always had a track record of jumping relationships, then she will never have a successful marriage again. She will always run to the next best thing if it comes along. That is what my STBX told me. She, and I quote, said "I have always left my boyfriends for the next best thing." end quote. What a little slut.

My STBX may end up having a family with this guy. She may end up getting married to her new guy. But there is one thing that I do know. She will never be happy again untill she learns about herself. She needs time alone to figure herself out and what she wants. She is making to many changes to herself that aren't her style to fill the void of what happened to us. She must of really been hurt.

So the chances, again, it could be four years, or six months. I hope for the sooner than the later.

Dave

(Platinum)

06/01/08 11:34 AM

68.57.84.234

Re: How many of you?

yeah, I was a rebound guy as well for my stbx. Heck, I was more than a rebound guy. I think I was the cheat. She was living with the guy. The day he moved out I was already spending the night. Truth is, we flirted with each other while she was involved with that guy. I had even joked to her parents before we were even dating that I was going to marry her one day. Guess the joke was on me. Should have told them I was going to be divorced from her one day.

(Platinum)

06/01/08 11:35 AM

24.181.101.222

Re: How many of you?

Well my STBX and his lady love were both married when
starting their romance. I am his 4th marriage and his
lady love is on her 3rd. I really do hope that he has
found his lifelong partner because at least another
family will not be wrecked. I don't want anyone to go
through what I have been through. So when they get
married 60 days after our divorce is final they will
be on marriage #9 between the both of them.

(Platinum)

06/01/08 01:24 PM

71.221.40.235

Re: How many of you?

I hope there are no kids in this equation. My feeling is anyone that would cheat on their spouse, should not be a primary parent, as they have shown by example they will continue to put their own needs above their children. The only exception I see to this, is when a divorce takes more than a couple years.

(Platinum)

06/01/08 01:53 PM

24.181.101.222

Re: How many of you?

My STBX's lady love has four kids that live with their
fathers. I have primary custody of my son from marriage
#1 (I am bellying up on marriage #2). My STBX used to
say to me all the time that he was #1, the dogs
were #2 and I was #3. I always thought he was joking but
I guess the joke was on me. My STBX has always married
women with children. That is the main reason why I
hope that his lady love is his everlasting love, I would
hate for more kids to go through the destruction that
he has caused in so many lives.

(Platinum)

06/01/08 05:36 PM

75.185.131.248

Re: How many of you?

IF this is not a spoof or whatever it's called when someone makes up a thread,
i dont think this person will be heard from again.

as for 'cheating' relationships lasting...i know a LOT of them that stay together for a long time and even get married.

yeah THAT'S fair and just....UH@ NOT!
just saying...

(Platinum)

06/01/08 05:57 PM

69.145.57.201

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

as for 'cheating' relationships lasting...i know a LOT of them that stay together for a long time and even get married.
yeah THAT'S fair and just....UH@ NOT!
just saying...

I think in those situations there is actually some poetic justice there...first, they both KNOW they are with somebody who will cheat, so there will be some distrust of eachother right from the start, and they are both stuck with somebody who has some moral/ethical/personality faults...really I think in the long run, the person who didn't cheat comes out ahead and gets the best deal out of the whole mess every time. He/she is no longer with a cheater, and is free to find somebody who is trustworthy...just my take on it...

(Gold)

06/01/08 06:18 PM

70.212.69.28

Re: How many of you?

Quote"IF this is not a spoof or whatever it's called when someone makes up a thread,
i dont think this person will be heard from again." END QUOTE.

Ya where is TLV?

We are just asking questions to find out what/how it feels for her. I just wanted to pick their mind.

I am not beating them up for cheating, although I should, but that is not what I want to do. I just want to know what she was thinking when she left her husband.... what was going through her head when she left him while she was still married.

(Platinum)

06/01/08 07:35 PM

69.145.57.201

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

I am not beating them up for cheating

Agreed...I doubt there is a single person on this forum who hasn't done something stupid, immoral, questionable, illegal, ect ect ect, at one point in time or another. I know I have. It's not for any of us to brand the scarlet letter on anybody else here and bash them for it, IMO. Like the old saying goes, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone"...lol

Having said that, I do feel that her question wasn't necessarily appropriate *for this particular forum*, as she wasn't looking for help to save a marriage, or to make changes about herself, ect., but was wondering if it was ok to keep seeing the guy she was cheating with before her divorce was final. Which IMO isn't a good idea, she should keep her pants on until the divorce is over with. But I don't think we need to bash her, I think that people who cheat end up setting themselves up for enough pain and grief all by themselves anyway...

(Platinum)

06/02/08 01:08 PM

72.218.33.84

Re: How many of you?

Quote:
"I think in those situations there is actually some poetic justice there...first, they both KNOW they are with somebody who will cheat, so there will be some distrust of eachother right from the start, and they are both stuck with somebody who has some moral/ethical/personality faults...really I think in the long run, the person who didn't cheat comes out ahead and gets the best deal out of the whole mess every time. He/she is no longer with a cheater, and is free to find somebody who is trustworthy...just my take on it"

Armor:
True statement eloquently put in a nutshell! I agree with you 100%

(Gold)

06/02/08 04:03 PM

209.209.250.9

Re: How many of you?

I agree. Why is it people who cheat feel like there new relationship will be story book?

Get a clue. If you're a cheater and worse you're with someone who cheated also do you really expect things to work out?

I know my ex thinks that way but time will tell.

(Silver)

06/02/08 04:24 PM

67.234.56.65

Re: How many of you?

My biggest observation is that people that cheat don't seem to have a concious, at least the majority of them. I guess I am really talking about someone who finds a relationship outside of the marriage and not a one night stand, not that either one is ok. They cheat, get caught, throw the other person around in front of the kids during the divorce, spend money on the other person instead of their kids, make life h e l l for their non-cheating spouse and the list goes on. I know their are exceptions to the rule but cheaters seem to be morally corrupt across the board. Just my take

(Gold)

06/05/08 03:05 PM

75.8.64.62

Re: How many of you?

Quote:

Quote:

Those two can rot in hell together.

AMEN!! I definitely deserve better too.... now, if only I could find him!!!

(Gold)

06/06/08 12:00 PM

66.76.220.190

Re: How many of you?

I was emotionally and psychologically abused for years before I was physically abused but I never cheated. Two wrongs does not make a right.
Everybody has their own way of dealing with things.

(Bronze)

06/14/08 12:00 PM

122.168.34.114

Re: How many of you?

Hello, this was the right thing that you have done. I don’t think that you were wrong.
All the best!

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