| Downwardspiral |
| (New) |
| 05/13/08 09:12 PM |
| 76.116.184.208 |
no more guessing..it's over
|
after only one month of official separation, my "wife" has decided she can no longer do this. The more I am away from her, the more she realizes she is through with me. Today she said she no longer wants to try. No more therapy, no more waiting for things to change. I'm disgusted, heartbroken, disappointed, sad, furious, confused, angry, desperate, and, oh yeah, did I mention I'm in a real dark place right now? Rejection sucks, I'm not a bad person, I think it could work. Apparently love does not prevail. I guess I now have to post on "life after divorce" because some people would rather give the f>>k up than work things out.
Life as I have known it is now over..Where the hell do you begin to cope? For now, all I have is my tiny one bedroom I have been exiled to, and a 30 pack of Lager, which will be gone by the time I hit the "submit" button.
Call me stupid or irrational, but the cold void of reality is something overwhelming to deal with. The downward spiral spins faster and faster...
| ATVILLAS |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/13/08 09:32 PM |
| 74.233.219.137 |
Re: no more guessing..it's over
|
Downward,
Sorry that you have reached this stage. I would like to point out a few things though.....
""no more waiting for things to change""... This applies to you too, you need to look forward to things that will be and not dwell on what will not be.
""Rejection sucks, I'm not a bad person""... No you are not and don't forget that!
""Life as I have known it is now over""... Life as you have become used to it may be over, but life is not over.
It is a tough time for us all but I can asure you it will get better and the many good people on this forum will do the best they can to help you.
| mfergel |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 05:39 AM |
| 68.57.84.234 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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I feel for you. I remember your original posts and I kept hoping there would be a way to save your marriage. Thought the same thing for mine. Brace yourself man, start finding friends and family that you can talk to and spend time with because the worst part of the ride is about to come and talking and being around people has been the only thing that helped me on some really bad nights.
| PinkRose |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/14/08 07:30 AM |
| 24.181.101.222 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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Sorry Down. I know the feeling. We are all here for you
and will help you. You are not alone.
| moochalee |
| (New) |
| 05/19/08 03:05 PM |
| 63.230.22.227 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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Down,
I know exactly how you are feeling, I'm going through the exact same thing at this very moment. I've been separated for 5 weeks now. I have one suggestion you might be willing to try. Get Michelle Wiener Davis' Divorce remedy book there is a great section called the "last chance technique". It has steps on what to do when your spouse is hellbent on divorce and your'e not. I have been using these techs. for around 3 weeks and can tell you that my "wife" is softening some! It's a bit of a long shot, but worth a try for me. Good luck to you.
Moochalee
| phoenixrising |
| (Bronze) |
| 05/19/08 03:50 PM |
| 96.229.237.209 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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Umm...can you give us the abridged version of what's in that last chance chapter. I'm pretty much in crisis mode at the moment. Husband is hellbent on divorce and ready to file when he gets back from his business trip. Anything useful to share?
| moochalee |
| (New) |
| 05/21/08 12:11 AM |
| 76.23.20.51 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
|
Phoenix-
The technique is not a guarantee but in my situation I've nothing to lose. Apparently it has worked enough to try it. The bottom line is that you have to stop giving your spouse a reason to leave. Probably the most important step is to stop ALL pursuing behavior (phone calls, email, begging, pleading, letters etc.) These behaviors are reaffirming your spouse's decision. If you're pursuing, you must stop immediately, it's the only chance you have to save your marriage. This step is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The next step is to get a life- act as if your'e moving on with your life- do things you've always wanted to, if you act like a victim you will become one. The next step is to wait and watch what happens who knows? He may be curious about your "change". That's a very brief synopsis. If your serious about trying to save your marriage I recommend Michelle Wiener Davis'
"Divorce Remedy a proven 7 step process to save your marriage". A word of caution - the book is very optimistic and claims that one person alone can save the marriage. I'm scared because I've put alot of stock into this and so far It seems to be working but............
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Good Luck
moochalee
| BillWebb |
| (New) |
| 05/22/08 12:29 PM |
| 98.162.176.29 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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There's a side benefit to that technique: if it doesn't save the marriage, you've taken some steps towards moving on with your life.
Coincidentally, I just did a review on my blog of a book which concerns ways to improve communication with your spouse/partner. I firmly believe that truly open and honest communication is the one key to keeping a relation strong (or making it strong from the beginning), and this book helps start the process. It's called, "1000 Questions For Couples," and although the title might sound a little trite, it might help to have a huge list of things (important things) to talk about other than your marriage problems and issues.
So while I agree that you should stop pursuing, when you talk with her, make sure it's NOT about your problems unless she initiates it.
| derkacz78 |
| (Gold) |
| 05/23/08 02:39 PM |
| 75.218.99.179 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
|
I agree with the last two post. NO CONTACT!!! I have been doing that with my STBX and she has been coming around. She has been calling every three to four days. She has a new boyfriend and a new apartment now, so divorce seems only likely. However, she will not break the bond. It was her that wanted to leave, it was her that wanted the new guy and it was her that wanted to be happy. She may or may not be happy now, but she sure does want to know what I am doing.. Weird how that works. Stop calling, texting, emailing, and talking about the relationship. This will change your behavior and with that change your STBX will change as well. The only one you can change is YOU. You can not change her. That is the mission statement that I have been living by.
| WhatNext |
| (Platinum) |
| 05/23/08 04:07 PM |
| 76.15.18.112 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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I concur 100%!!! It aint easy but if you can do it then it's a great thing. It fu*ks with her head for sure not knowing what you are up to and it starts you on the road to being better without her. What do you have to lose? She already left you.
| tmarie |
| (New) |
| 06/09/08 09:50 PM |
| 75.120.184.8 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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I in the same situation.. he leaves for 2 weeks tomorrow... when he gets back he wants to tell my daughter... (my son is in bootcamp and I guess we will have to spring that on him later....
| undecided 72 |
| (Gold) |
| 06/10/08 05:32 PM |
| 74.7.123.10 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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Hey Marie,
Hope I didn't come off too strong in my reply to your post. It's just that I've been through the fire and back and I can tell you that the best thing to do is to brace yourself for the worst, stay strong, keep in perspective what is really happening (faults and all, he's doing you wrong).
You could repeat my original mistake and become super spouse. When I tried this almost two years ago I pretty much lost respect and very nearly lost my wife. It wasn't until I said enough that I slowly started getting respect back. I was lucky (and I think my wife was luckier), the cockroach she was enamored with showed his true self and I think we are on the road to recovery. Yes, I contributed to the problems in our marriage, but we needed to get trust and respect back first before we could begin to work on those things.
I can't guarantee the results, but I do know that first you need to gain your trust back, then your husband needs to respect you, then finally you can work together on the issues you mentioned, you can't jump to the end or fix things fast and it is dependant on your husband being an active participant. If your husband has left permenantly, then you will have to do all the things I suggested anyway (learn to trust, gain respect and work on the personal issues) just not with your husband.
| Beat-Down |
| (Platinum) |
| 06/10/08 06:14 PM |
| 165.249.0.61 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
|
I am sorry to here about her decision. Divorce sucks no doubt about it. I understand how you feel right now. I was so freaking panicked and I had know idea what my life was going to be like with out her. I had know idea if I could make it without her she was all I knew we practically raised each other.
I can tell you that it does get easier. You will have good days along with the bad. Try and not get all liquored up. That will only cause you more grief. Trust me on that one. Try and stay focused on you. Try and stay strong and keep yourself healthy. I would go for days with out eating a good meal. Don't do that! I know your pain.. Sorry things have turned out this way.
| better off1? |
| (New) |
| 06/15/08 10:38 PM |
| 24.7.214.4 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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I feel your pain. I too am in the position of being left behind by a spouse who does not want to try. It's the worst experience of my life so far. I am following the advise of my councelor and not communicating with him beyond parenting issues. Surprisingly he is calling me more now. I also feel a little stronger and in more control of my life when not pursuing him. Good luck to you. Stay strong.
| SingleDad |
| (Bronze) |
| 06/19/08 03:55 PM |
| 208.247.104.154 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
|
I have done the clinging "I love you so very much" for the past 5 months to no avail.
Now that the separation papers are signed - I am now expressing my anger at STBXW for leaving and the effect it will have on our 2 year old for years to come.
I started the NC route - tough for no contact when a child is involved. I like the NEC "no emotional contact". I'll have to try that next.
STBXW does call me often mostly re her "Express Train" to independence (paperwork, etc.) Sometimes it seems like she is so dependent on talking to me even if it is for legal issues, child issues, etc.
STBXW wants to be friend/friendly for our daughter's sake - I'm not quite ready for that after one week from signing. She's angry at me for acting like a child - "grow up for your daughter's sake". I will soo enough.
I guess I need to move on to the single independent "I can take care of myself" attitude... maybe that will work to win her back ?
I'll do anything I can for my daughter's sake to bring our family back together.
| Welshmun |
| (New) |
| 06/21/08 04:39 PM |
| 124.179.166.187 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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It might be over, but the 'it' is just a part of your life, not all of it. You might find this hard, but I suspect you are wallowing in your grief. Have some self respect. Who exiled you to your room? You or her? In case you're wondering, I've been through this; I believe I'm just coming out of the 'hanging on by the fingernails stage'. My wife has been having an affair for 2 months now. She says she loves him, but loves me too 'in a different way'.
She doesn't have me over a barrel at all, just our relationship. Separate the 2 things. Now.
I'll be back to check progress.
| Welshmun |
| (New) |
| 06/21/08 04:43 PM |
| 124.179.166.187 |
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Re: no more guessing..it's over
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You're assuming your daughter won't tell your son before you do. Consider that.