Divorce Support Forums: need advice/left with nothing

My husband and I are separated. He has my daughter.

The day he assaulted me (Nov. 20, 2005 in PA) he had just lost another job and had been saying terrible things about me to our daughter (11 years old then). They were having a conversation that I couldn’t hear until he started cursing. I asked him not to swear in front of her and he told me "mind your own business"! For the first time in my life, I saw a face twist with rage and was terrified. He became violent and tried to kick me out of the house and assaulted me as I tried to call 911. My daughter followed me as I ran to our neighbor’s house and they called the police but the damage to myself and her was done. The policeman arrested my husband because of how he was acting toward the officer. The officer also smelled the alcohol on his breath.

I tried to find out from my daughter what he was saying to her during their conversation. She wouldn’t tell me everything. She did say he had been telling her I was a terrible mother and was depressed all the time. Well, living with an alcoholic freak who couldn’t hold a steady job was no picnic. But he’s very convincing and manipulative and everything he said to her that day probably ruined her view of me, and my relationship with her, forever. He also told her I was raped by someone I knew before I met him. I had told him about that in confidence and never in my wildest dreams did I think he would tell our 11-year-old daughter!

I got a restraining order and my daughter and I were able to stay in our house but it was in the process of foreclosure. By the time the eviction notice came, my daughter only had a few weeks of school left. I scrambled to find a place to rent. The stress of thinking any day the sheriff would show up and kick us out almost put me in the grave. I found a rental and then my daughter told me she wanted to return to Massachusetts to be near her cousins. I was devastated but didn’t let on that I felt that way. We moved to the rental in May 2006 and she finished school in PA. Her father came and got her the middle of June 2006. I haven’t stopped crying since that day. I am now back in Mass. after finishing my lease. He has everyone convinced that all of this is my fault! He moved with my daughter into an apartment Jan. 1st. Another blow for me!

Here is some background info. Because he couldn’t hold down a steady job, we always had money problems. We filed for bankruptcy 2 years after our daughter was born. From 1999 to 2002, he had a good job as vice president in a MA bank. We were doing well during that time. But his obsession with alcohol and sex was starting to turn me off. His commute to work was an hour so sometimes he stayed at a hotel near work when the weather was bad. One day in 2002 he decided to stay at the hotel and have a late meeting with a staff member (a subordinate). There was some drinking and my husband flashed his privates at this staff member (that is the story he gave me). This staff member is gay. The next day, the staff member went to HR and my husband was let go. The bank fought to deny my husband unemployment benefits (he won). The bank told my husband's entire staff that they would be fired if they mentioned his name. Now I am thinking that something more than just a “flash” happened in that hotel room. I spoke to one of those staff members. Almost 5 years later they are still not allowed to mention his name. She whispered that all the accuser would say was “some day the truth will come out.” That’s all she could tell me. Well, that threw me for a loop. I think it will take a lawyer to find out about that.

About a month after that incident, my husband checked himself into the psych. unit of the hospital. I thought, “Thank God, he is finally getting help!” (By the way, I stood by him and defended him through everything right up to the end.) After 4 days, he checked himself out, supposedly sober. They diagnosed him as being bipolar and prescribed meds. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Shielding my daughter from all of this was very stressful. A week later he started drinking again.

In 2003, he got a job in Pennsylvania so we moved. Big move because we were all born and raised in Massachusetts. Ten months later he was laid off. I didn’t earn enough to support us, or his drinking habit. (Hmmm… during the 13 years we were together, I earned around $300,000 from my steady job. Now I have nothing!) He was spending an average of $300 a month at the liquor store. He drank from the time he finished his morning coffee until he went to bed and because he never slept well, he got out of bed and drank more during the night. My daughter had no idea any of this was going on. I shielded her well and covered for him.

Later, on the day he was arrested, the chief of police called and told me to pack a bag for him. My daughter helped me get things he would need. I got his suitcase and opened it to find about 6 or 7 pornographic DVDs—all images of men. The one on top had a close-up of a man’s private part. I closed the suitcase fast before my daughter could see and quickly stuffed clothes in until I knew those DVDs were hidden.

Recently, I have been piecing things together. A few months before he assaulted me, I was on-line checking our bank account. There were about $600 in charges I didn’t recognize. I asked him and he didn’t know anything about them. He goes to the bank to report this and close out the account. The bank tells him those charges were for pornographic materials. We each had our own debit cards tied to our checking account. Coincidentally, those charges were made on his card. The bank ended up refunding about half of the $600 but never told us what the result of their investigation was. I think he got away with a bit of fraud there. At that point I got my own separate account. He was unemployed, drinking, spending my money at the liquor store and passing out on the couch every day from noon until about 3:00 in the afternoon. For about 2 months he had a temporary job then they let him go. On that day, he came home with a teacup poodle puppy. Price tag: $520.00! That was just about all the money we had! I followed that puppy picking up poop for 2 weeks. Then the assault. Then I got rid of the puppy.

A few weeks after his arrest I got a call from the legal department of Preferred Platinum Plan. Didn’t know what that was but he had gotten a piece of mail from them and I opened it. They were looking for my husband. I gave them his number and 5 minutes later they called me back. The woman from the legal dept. told me he placed a call to a phone sex number and he denied the voice was his even after she played a recording of it for him. So she had me listen to it and it was him! The charge was made on his closed debit card so they were looking for their money. Of course he wasn’t working so I had to pay it or, as she said, he could go to prison for credit card fraud. Then the woman told me the phone sex was with another man and I should get rid of the slime ball! It was $158.64 for 31 minutes. Coincidentally, that phone call took place on the same date all those charges were made to our bank account! I can’t imagine where my daughter and I were on that day. There isn’t much that gets by me but this did.

At the beginning of Feb. 2007 I was let go from my job after 13 years. (My former boss is my husband's brother-in-law--my husband's sister's spouse.) Then I lost my car because I couldn't keep up the payments and it was about to be repossessed. I was desperate to get back to my daughter and find someone who would take me in until I could get back on my feet. The only reason my husband was able to return to MA was because he had his parents to go home to. My parents died in 2004 so I didn't have that option. I had called everyone I knew and nobody was willing or able to help me. I don't have family where my daughter is living.

I have no money for a lawyer. I returned to MA on May 20th. On May 21st I called and left a message for Legal Aid. Nobody called me back. I called again on May 29th and again, nobody called me back. Legal Services curtly told me I had to be living in MA for a year. Well, that is wrong advice. That would only be true if the grounds for divorce took place in another state. My grounds happened in MA. And according to MA law, only one spouse has to be living in MA.

I talk to my daughter often and I am convinced my husband has semi-brainwashed her so she cannot tell me how she really feels.

When I was still in PA, I found out that a friend I used to work with years ago just moved into a cottage. He invited me to stay with him as long as I need to. This friend is caring and very supportive but also an alcoholic. I just spent 13 years with one of those! I have no place else to go. I can barely stomach the smell of alcohol on his breath not to mention the occasional drug use. I guess he brings the beer to bed because I can hear the cans being popped open in the morning before he even gets out of bed. The first night I was here, he was so drunk that he fell on a box containing my computer equipment. I sleep on the couch and with no car, I am stuck here.

I just don't understand why I have been seeking legal help and I am getting nowhere! I am a mother and I need my daughter and she needs me!

Where is the legal system?