NeiJean
New
Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
|
|
I have been married 14 years, and am a stay at home mom for 3 kids. Husband is controlling and emotionally abusive, and I need out. He says he knows it's over and agreed it's best for the kids if I keep them in the house. However, he's refusing to move out. He's pretending everything's normal and that we have this perfect family, while doing things behind my back. He says he'll move out when I get a full time job. Getting a job won't happen overnight, and I would like to stay home with the kids through the summer. I don't believe he'll leave then anyway, this is just another control game.
I feel trapped. He won't leave, and I'm trying very hard not to disrupt my kids lives any more than I have to. My daughter is in middle school and this year was the first year she's gone to the same school two consecutive years. Enough chaos for them!
Any suggestions as to how to deal with this?
|
Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2354
|
|
You cannot put off getting into the work force any longer. Do you have any college? If not, look into careers now. Get on your feet while you are still there. Otherwise, you'll be at a grave disadvantage. Plan your moves carefully. Put the emotion asise and strategize.
|
NeiJean
New
Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
|
|
Thanks, Sarah. It's very difficult to set those emotions aside, when it's all about creating the best life for children. This forum is the first time I've acknowledged his treatment over the years for what it is: abuse. Since there is no physical abuse, I've been making excuses for too long, and it's come time to face the truth and move on. I'm learning how much allowing his control messes with my head, making it difficult for me to see through all the muck. I expect things to get very bad soon, when he comes out of denial and realizes that he's lost his power to control me.
He was threatened by me working or going to school out of the home, and I stupidly gave in to this. I do have a decent education - I earned an online Master's degree (could mostly be done from home without being a threat), so have some long-term options, even though it is entry level for now. The logistics of getting myself out of this situation are overwhelming, so I greatly appreciate feedback, as I work it through.
|
golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
|
|
I would see a lawyer. Steps you take now (employment, lack thereof, who moves out etc...) could have a profound effect on how your ultimate divorce might be handled.
I'm guessing he won't move out (formal separation) until you secure full time employment because it will limit the amount of alimony he might have to pay you. If you've been an SAHM for 14 years, he will owe you quite a chunk over and above child support.
I also agree that if lots of big changes are pending in your kids lives, it might be easier on them to wait until your little one is in school before you start a 9-5 gig.
Talk to a lawyer, then take baby steps. Nothing should stop you from getting some interviews set up - even if they are just "informational." It's actually a great premise to network. Call people in your chosen field, tell them you are thinking of re-entering workforce after an absence, and that you'd like to talk to them about career paths in the industry. No obligations. Not a job interview per se, but 12 months down the road might lead to one.
Just taking some small steps should start mitigating some of the effects of the abuse. You need to start a base of feelings of accomplishment - getting out there should help.
Good Luck.
|
NeiJean
New
Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
|
|
He will continue to come up with excuses, which is all passive agressiveness, and will drag this on for years if he can. I have no family nearby, so appreciate your help as I strategize my future and that of my children, as Sarah puts it.
|
RemLex
Gold
Reged: 04/22/07
Posts: 146
Loc: Chicago, Illinois
|
|
[quote] However, he's refusing to move out. He's pretending everything's normal and that we have this perfect family, while doing things behind my back. He says he'll move out when I get a full time job. [quote]
If he did move out right away...how would you afford the house without an income? I doubt he would cover your house payment and his rent plus all the other costs that come along with it. And, in all honesty, that would be unfair. Sounds like he is looking out for you and the children by waiting for you to establish yourself in the workforce.
As the previous poster stated, you need to get out or back into the work force.
Even if your husband moves out and one or the other files for divorce, this will not finalize anything immediately and chances are, support will not automatically flow into a bank account for immediate use.
Sorry, I am the realist!
You need to make an effort to get yourself semi-dependant.
--------------------
~a clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory~
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3495
|
|
[quote]I have been married 14 years, and am a stay at home mom for 3 kids. Husband is controlling and emotionally abusive, and I need out. He says he knows it's over and agreed it's best for the kids if I keep them in the house. However, he's refusing to move out. He's pretending everything's normal and that we have this perfect family, while doing things behind my back. He says he'll move out when I get a full time job. Getting a job won't happen overnight, and I would like to stay home with the kids through the summer. I don't believe he'll leave then anyway, this is just another control game.
I feel trapped. He won't leave, and I'm trying very hard not to disrupt my kids lives any more than I have to. My daughter is in middle school and this year was the first year she's gone to the same school two consecutive years. Enough chaos for them!
Any suggestions as to how to deal with this? [/quote]
He has already consulted with an attorney. And the attorney told him that it was in his best interest for you to get a full-time job.
If you were to consult with an attorney, s/he will probably tell you what mine told me. And that it is better for you to not get a job.
Personally, I would move into a separate room and file for divorce asking that he move out of the house. And if he in anyway threatens or assaults you, call the cops and get a restraining order.
I would also make sure that you have copies of ALL of your financial information.
|
mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3268
Loc: Florida
|
|
You said one child was in middle school...how old are the other children?
|
NeiJean
New
Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
|
|
Thanks to each of you for your feedback.The other kids are 9 and 5.They are my greatest concern, and every decision I make must consider them. Your comments have helped me clear my head in doing the best I can, when no answers are easy.
I already found a job, not because of his pressure, but because I do not wish to be dependent upon him any more than I need to. His income will still be nearly 4 times mine though, but it is a start.
|
adrenaline
Platinum
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 3892
|
|
[quote]
Personally, I would move into a separate room and file for divorce asking that he move out of the house. And if he in anyway threatens or assaults you, call the cops and get a restraining order.
I would also make sure that you have copies of ALL of your financial information. [/quote]
If you do this you will seriously disrupt the kids and if you are honest about that that is not the route to take.
IF you divorce you will be ordered alimony but it won't be enough to support yourself. You will be expected to get a job. You will most likely have to sale the house, and split the equity or he will have to pay you half of the equity and keep it.
He will most likely not be able to afford to support to complete households.
I wish you luck.
--------------------
The problem isn't the game; it is that nobody knows the rules.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
