Divorce Support Forums: Resentment towards SD/BM

Wow, I know exactly what you're talking about... DH wanting to do the right thing but sometimes being too reticent ot let the truth come out... stepkids not knowing the difference between the truth & a lie (they really think if they tell a "true statement" that's intended to mislead, that it's still the truth... on top of having re-defined a lot of things, etc., it's just a regular minefield to talk with their mother, and they're learning her ways, sadly.)

I wanted to suggest that your husband needs to be honest with his mother about why he's avoiding her lately. If she doesn't know what she's done, then she can't fix it. She's being punished & may see it as part of a larger struggle, but the truth is that it's specific behaviors that have pushed her own son away from her, and she needs to know how to fix them or else she loses & the punishment he's meting out will not be effective.

Also, I was lucky that my husband's ex did a few things directly to his parents, and in front of his parents, while they were visiting & while we were visiting them, that showed her true colors, so there was never any need to disclose stuff to them. BUT when he was first telling them about me, they expressed concern that he was moving on when they saw no changes in the marriage, so I asked him to point out to them some of the stuff over the years that had accumulated, and then hit them with the most obvious stuff, like that she had moved out of the bedroom years ago, demanded divorce for more than a decade, unfairly accused him of infidelity since the honeymoon, and ... gosh, what was the other huge thing? Oh yeah, was accusing HIM of violence when anyone who sees them together can tell WHO wore the pants in that family and WHO was the more volitile fo the two. As he slowly described the various things to them that had happened, embarassed at airing his dirty laundry, they started contributing things they'd seen over the years, even befor ethe marriage, that reminded them of this type of stuff.

His brothers, particularly, were happy about th edivorce, saying that they'd seen this stuff for years but had kept quiet becasue he seemed unwilling ot admit the serious problems with this woman's way of being, so they accepted that their brother was more of a milquetoast than they'd thought when they'd been growing up & they moved on...

Now they know better. He had more character & was going to lie in that bed that he'd made for himself, no matter how hard it was, becasue his kids' well-being was at stake. He's a great man for it. But he stayed way too long. Oh well.

Maybe if your husband could be persuaded to just disclose the worst examples of stuff the ex has done, and let his MIL know that this is very common, representative of what was going on... maybe then she'd relent.

The situation youv'e got going on now is not good, and it's because your husband won't speak up... would rather cut ties with his mother than tell her what she's done wrong... would rather let his relationship with his son be sabotaged by his mother rather than disclose the nastiness of the ex wife so the mother would realize what had happened.

He needs to consider doing these things so that HE can get control back into his family, his mother can go back to her rightful place of supporting him rather than his enemy, and maybe she'll open up her heart to his new wife and the 4 OTHER grandkids who need her.

Maybe if your husband sees that all his reticence to act... all his unbelieveably civil way of handling this without airing the dirty laundry, is allowing a few wrong things to happen. He does not have to spread rumors about his ex or post her e-mails in public... it's enough for him to approach his parents & finally be honest with them about what's been happenign with the ex, and how MIL's behavior has made it worse... and maybe there'll be tears & regrets & such, but SOOO much better to have one hard talk than to let things slowly continue to deteriorate. Your husband is a very strong man to hold his tongue this long, and he has to be strong enough now to face the fact that he needs this one hard converstaion to break the ice & disclose to his parents that they've been backing the wrong horse, and maybe doing this will set the balance of power in your own family back where it should be... with the parents bein gparents (and stepparents) and the grandparents staying out of the business of the parents while still doting on the grandkids.

It's not a fantasy, it can happen, but your very strong & close-mouthed husband needs to find a way to disclose this stuff for it to happen.

Good luck.