def
New
Reged: 12/26/06
Posts: 22
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I've been married for 29 years. My husband wants a divorce - he says that I have always been a pain in the neck - and he wants to start dating. He has been verbally abusive to me throughout the marriage. We have had separate rooms for 10 years, our 2 kids are grown and not at home anymore. I work 10 months a year as a school secretary and also part time as a real estate secretary (7 days a week) He wants to use a mediator and pay me $1,000 a month for 3 years. In spite of all this, I do not want a divorce. I am so used to him, I've known him for 33 years. I am terrified and I am so afraid to be by myself. I'm 54. I have the empty nest syndrome and now this. I miss my children so much. Sometimes it feels as if my heart is just going to stop. I can't sleep or eat. The MD put me on Zoloft, I think it has to be stronger! Please give me some helpful advice???
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Dragonfly
Platinum
Reged: 12/14/06
Posts: 731
Loc: NY
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OK. You've asked for advice 3 times now. I am sorry you are not getting the answers and support you are seeking. I think part of this has to do with your preoccupation with the financial aspect of your impending divorce. I can't help you there except to suggest you go to a lawyer. My opinions on spousal maintenance is posted on your original "spousal maintenance" thread. There you will find some helpful, non-emotional advice, but I warn that you will also find some passionate arguments, too.
So, now I will address the emotional aspect of what you're going through. Divorce is not pleasant. Change is scary. But change is necessary and inevitable.
Let me ask you, do you have friends separate from your husband's? Are your children nearby? Can you lean on them for a while?
I know you said you're from Long Island. I know what it can be like. I can't even begin to tell you the shame and guilt I felt when my stbx and I decided to separate. I had to swallow a lot of pride. I went from living on his $200K/yr income to living off mac & cheese. Humiliating doesn't even describe it. My friends all live in $1M+ homes (well, they're no longer my "friends" since I lost them all in the divorce process).
The point is, I'm no longer living the lifestyle I'm accustomed to. And it's real hard to adjust. I am taking it one day at a time and in my head, I have to keep reminding myself what's really important -- health, my children, etc. I'm trying to make plans for the future. I have no clue whether things will work out but I figured "better to have a plan that doesn't work out than to have none at all."
Do you have any hobbies? interests? I think now is a time to reflect inward. Try to figure out what you really want, what you enjoy doing. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you're stuck in a mundane life. Try to view the divorce as setting you free to explore and recapture some of life's excitements.
I don't know...I'm going through this myself so I know it's easier said than done.
I will try to help you get through this. Divorce isn't just the end of something, it's also the beginning of something else, too.
Please do not get discouraged by the lack of responses you've been getting. I admire that you keep reaching out. Don't stop.
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The road to success is always under construction.
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35Hopeful
New
Reged: 01/25/07
Posts: 4
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I know what you are going through is scary. I was only married 2 and a half years so for me it was the death of a dream. I did go through a mediator. I didn't want the divorce but I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I also understand the verbal abuse. I was called "half-a**" "miserable" and "I suck the life out of people". Nice, Huh. Anyway, please get yourself a counselor. A good counselor will help put things into perspective. Plus they get paid to listen to you cry and then help you get back on your feet. I do recommend a mediator IF you and your ex can manage it they won't make things quite so nasty. You are at then end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Try to stay positive. You are in control of your destiny.
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tractormom
Silver
Reged: 06/11/07
Posts: 67
Loc: Nassau coutny, NY
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You should not be afraid to be alone. Personally, I am looking forward to getting on with my life and doing what I want to when I want to.
This is your time to find out what you want from your life. Take up a new hobby, find your passion and drown yourself in it.
I am not sure why you would want to stay married after what you said in your note.
Go out and enjoy yourself.
Tractormom
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