sassy1234
New
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 3
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Like so many that post here, I have resentment for my SD. I have tried to let it go but then something else happens. To top off the ongoing saga, she was not at the hospital when my son was born (her brother). It did not matter that we had someone to pick her up to come to the hospital or that this was truly a miracle baby (2 months early and struggling to live) or that my kidneys were shutting down. She never came and never called. When my DH asked her to come, she said that she had basketball camp and couldn't miss a half day. A year later, she has only come twice. Didn't even come at Christmas....too busy. Now, a year later, she didn't come for Father's Day but she came for Mother's Day. Why? Because she knew that this was my first Mother's Day and wanted it to be all about her since she had not been in months. (Of course DH was going to be at her beck and call.)Didn't come for her brother's first birthday because she was not missing her horse riding lessons. My husband has tried to talk to her but it has not worked for several years now. EX has issues and will always encourage daughter to not like me or her father even though she says otherwise.
I feel sorry for SD. Her cousins are going to know her brother better than she does. As someone posted, if it is not about her, then she wants no part of it. I know part of it is her age (14) but she has always been like this. I thank God every day that even though my parents did not get along, they worked together to teach me right from wrong and that life was not all about me.
She talks to him like a dog and he just wants to spend time with her but he is the absolute last thing on her mind. Sometimes, I don't think she will change. Her mother has not and she is almost 40.....her mother did the same thing to her father and now EX has not spoken to her father in over 20 something years. She is just teaching SD how to be like her.
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MakeItRight
Silver
Reged: 05/04/07
Posts: 56
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It's a sad situation but I think you need to try to learn to let go...Does not seem to me that the dad has a close relationship with your SD. Only if he's close to her can he have some kind of influence over this. Heck, even if he is he might not be able to do anything. The influence from her mom is simply too deep for you to overcome at her age and yet she is too young to have her own judgments and thoughts. What I would do is be genuinely nice to her when
she's with you guys and hope that she'll wise up one day and realize she missed out. I know someone who complained the same kind of thing, that the older step brothers not knowing the little step sister...but that is the way it is and she has stopped complaining...Good luck.
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2268
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How old is she?
By nature, kids are very self centered. Just continue to be a kind, loving example and hopefully, in due time, HOPEFULLY she will catch on.
You may be putting adult expectations on a kid.
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imamrs2
Silver
Reged: 08/18/06
Posts: 95
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My step-son, who is 13, is not exactly thrilled with having younger siblings. In his home he is the only child. So, when he comes to our house it is hard for him. I try to encourage one on one time with Dad. My husband has traveled to his house in Europe in order for him to feel more special. At this point, the visits, haven't really gone well. My husband and his ex have been divorced since he was two.
The ex is the custodial parent. I have been questioning whether personality stems from nature or nurture. I mean he is a mini version of his mom. Lots of things he says and does hurt. It has taken me a long time to realize he is acting the way he does because in his home it is appropriate.
I used to feel such guilt because I didn't love him the way I thought I should. Now, I have come to realize that is o-kay. My role is to support my husband's relationship with him.
It is hard. It does hurt. But, I hope when my step-son is older he can finally get to know his Dad.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5049
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This is SO not about SD... or her feelings about the baby or whatever. At her age, it's all about her mother, and whether her mothe rwinds her up & sends her in your direction with expectations of being princess for a day or not, on any given day. OBviously mother thought her camp was more important than her new half brother. OBVIOUSLY her mother thought father's day was no big deal. OBVIOUSLY her mother thought it would be a great idea to one-up you on your first mother's day.
This has nothing to do with the child, other than that she's being used, but if you don't find a way to get that feelig out of your head, teh kid will nto help but understand whaty= you're thinking ( I SWEAR that kids that age can channel what we're thinking, no matter how much we try to hide it)... so get it out of your head... and in the end she'll be the sweet thing who didn't have a clue that family is really more important than basketball camp, and that time with you when there are no presents available are just as important as times with you on christmas & birthdays when she expects gifts.
her mother sounds like a real winner, and I know what I'm talknig about... I've got a sweet stepdaughter who is being led into the depths of hell by her mother, learnign how to be a little liar & loophole finder... thinking that her second cousin, three times removed, visiting from timbucktoo... is more important than Daddy. It's nuts. but it's nto the kid, it's her mother.
Put the blame where it belongs & keep it there. When your stepdaughter stars to realize what an awful thing her mother has done to her, she'll need a strong adult female figure in her life to show her what's really right and whaat's really wrong.
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sassy1234
New
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 3
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Thank you all for your opinions. You are right about X trying to intervene in the relationship between SD and DH. DH would bend over backwards for SD. When she came over, it was like a vacation for her. However, X would call and call, leave notes in her luggage saying "I have a surprise for you or I miss you so much." This went on and on for several years and the belittling by X towards us. We have been told by X's family members how bad she talks about us.
We went to court to gain more time with SD since X remarried and moved away (which she did not even inform DH until he waited for two hours at the school on his daughter.) When he finally reached the X, she said that they had moved. We had just had SD for weekend. She knew she was moving but was told not to say anything by X. It has become worse and worse over the years. Anyway, the judge raked her over the coals but she went right back to the "games" that she plays.
To the point that X has pretty much turned daughter against him. He LOVES his daughter but she talks to him like dirt. He ends up crying after he calls her.
When he tells her that she needs to do the right thing and be obedient to her father. She says that dogs are obedient not her.
Little by little I have built up this resentment over the years and now I can say that she is a mold of her mother and it is so peaceful when she is not around. She has only come a couple of times in the last year. I know that it hurts DH but some things that she had done makes family members concerned for the safety of our toddler to be around her. Her mother is an EXTREMELY jealous person and now her daughter is too. (It does not matter how much my husband tries to include her or does.)
Yes, kids are selfish. I know with the profession that I am in but this child is by far the worse I have encountered. AND to top it off she does not have remorse for anything that she does.I could go on and on to the things that SD and X have schemed together. It is like a movie .....unreal....
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sassy1234
New
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 3
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Gigi, you are so right about third cousin self removed.....
Get this, my husband wanted to send SD with his parents on his weekend a few years ago. They were going to DH's grandparents with ALL of the grandkids. Well, the devil herself said that he could not do it because X had birthday party for some 34 age lady....nonrelative at her house.
DH sent child on anyway because it was his weekend. The devil went to see the judge and said that the child had been kidnapped. She lied and said that my husband had agreed that child would stay with her that weekend.....LIE and so not by the law... Well anyway, judge CALLED DH (which is unethical) and said that if he did not have SD back by a certain time, that she would put out a warrant for his parents..... Grandparents turned around and brought her back.... That was the last time all the grandkids were together with grandparents.... DH's dad died of cancer three months later and you guessed it, SD was busy for the funeral.
I agree with what you said but now the beliefs of the mom has been passed on to the child. X was out of town for father's day spending it with her stepdad. SD said that she was not going with mom because she was going to spend it DH. Well, the real truth was that she wanted to go horse riding lessons and told DH that she would not be coming over because she was not missing it!
I have already told my husband that if something should happen with our marriage that I'll call the police on my son if he says that he is not going to his dad's. HE IS GOING.
Anyway, you made me laugh. Thanks!
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