Kathie
Silver
Reged: 09/18/07
Posts: 79
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I need some advice. I have searched forums for similiar problems, guess its time to spell it out.
I have been dating a man named Richard for 2 ½ years. My 13 year old daughter and I moved in with him last March. I pay him $500 a month for rent. His divorce isnt final because his attorney procrastinated and is a crook. Richard fired him a few months ago. Richard has a son that is 11 and my daughter and him get along great. Heres the problem. Richard s ex wife is manipulative and gives him grief constantly. Last week she called him and asked if she could be on his insurance policy for the deductions. He said yes. Last November, she overdrew an account he didnt know was joint. That costs him $1000. When she left him for another man he refinanced the house and gave her the entire amount of equity ($30000). No attorney or judge told him to do it, they were going to do a do it yourself divorce. Her boyfriend left her in December and she did manage to get the child support raised above what they agreed upon. Since her boyfriend left things have been miserable. She brings me into her drama all the time. She kept bringing my name into her drama. I called her and asked her not to do it. She told Richard she didnt want me to call her. He agreed I shouldnt, which was messed up. Now, she says whatever she wants to him and there isnt anyone to defend me. She is even telling their son things that arent true. He has an attitude towards me when he comes over.
But heres my dilemna, confusion and heartbreak. She called him last week and asked if she could be on his insurance. He has been with this insurance for a long time. He said yes before putting much thought into it. He told me that she wants an insurance break. She gets the deductions of the homeowners and his motorcycle. He told me Farmers wouldnt insure a motorcycle without an auto. Wouldnt it have been logical for him to get insurance with me? I could use an insurance break. I am not working right now. I don’t even get child support. She makes very good money. Is this normal? He said it’s a business deal. She has screwed him so many times. No matter how upset I am, he wont change his mind. Am I overreacting? He said they would have separate billing. However, if she wrecks her car, wont his rates go up? I wonder if he will ever say no to her. I hate to go, especially since I love this man. My daughter loves her new school and has made a lot of good friends.. We moved out of a 1 bedroom and she has her own room. Am I being stupid staying with this man? On the other hand, if I leave, she will be getting her way. She moved into a 1 bedroom with her son and I know shes miserable.
I think she uses their son as a leverage on his emotions at times. But I have to wonder if he wants to make peace, if hes afraid of her, or if hes plain stupid. I really don’t think hes still in love with her, but its crossed my mind lately.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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Wow, Kathie - a lot of issues going on here. You've really bit off more than you probably bargained for, with this man. If you're going to make it as a couple, you may want to adjust your perspective on things. So yes, you are overreacting in a sense. I'm married to a man who had a very bitter divorce, and recognize some of the feelings/ events you describe.
1) No matter how much $$ he gave her when they split, she will never feel it was enough. Some people are born professional victims, and NEED to feel they got screwed by their divorce. Be a sounding board for your boyfriend, but don't let yourself get caught up in the drama of his past. I REALLY wish I had heard and heeded that advice when I started dating my husband!
2) The best thing you can do for him, his child, and most importantly your own sanity is to just stay out of it. Remember that his divorce was not about you - so don't try to make it about you. Don't contact her - it only stirs the pot.
3) Be kind to her child - show him by example who you are, to counter his mom's bad mouthing. (The kid will believe all her talk, true or not. It's just biology, so don't fight it.) Eventually (oh, say, in about 6 years) this emotional investment on your part will bear fruit. It is very natural for there to be some competitive feelings on BM's end, and a defensive attitude from the child. Just remember that he his a CHILD, and has a lot of complex adult stuff going on in his life right now. Make sure dad enforces that he respects you, but otherwise try to appreciate him as a child, and don't define him by the cruddy attitude he may give you from time to time.
4) Let your boyfriend make his peace with this woman how he needs to. He is not in love with her any more, but she is and always will be the mother of his child. As such, he has a personal stake in her well being. When he does something kind for her, he is really doing it for his son. Whenever he does somethign nice for her, eg the insurance deal, rather than take it as a slight the he didn't do it for you, instead think about what a great guy that can be so nice to his child's mother, after all she did to him, and how lucky you are to have him in your life. You HAVE to make yourself see it this way - if you don't you will go crazy. Believe me, this is the best thing for the kid - seeing his dad do nice stuff for his mom.
Good Luck - these situations are not easy
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Kathie
Silver
Reged: 09/18/07
Posts: 79
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It just seems so unfair that she tell him untrue things and I cant defend myself. I guess its my nature. I will try to follow your advice. I guess I need to stop listening to the voicemails she sends him. I just cant believe some of the things she says about me. I just feel insecure sometimes. He doesnt support me or my daughter, in fact I dont ask for any financial help. He is really tight. Thats what makes me wonder why he would trust her so much. Thanks for the advice.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2023
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How will you pay rent, food, etc, if you aren't working, if you move out?
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Kathie
Silver
Reged: 09/18/07
Posts: 79
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I have a trust fund. My mother passed recently. But I will be getting a job soon.
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Kathie
Silver
Reged: 09/18/07
Posts: 79
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He has made it clear he cant afford to take care of me. Its like he doesnt trust me. I think its because she screwed him so many times. So why does he keep doing for her and denying me?
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4841
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Because she's the mother of his kids.
Never expect a man to do wrong to the mother of his kids... If you want a GOOD man, look for one who wants to be fair to her. On the other hand, if he lets her walk all over him AFTER the divorce is over & there is no more negotiating, the court has passed its' own independent judgment and decided what's right and what's wrong. THEn expect him to give her what the court says to give, and your biggest argument should be whether or not the extra that he gives is reasonable or if he's shortchanging himself or setting himself up for being exploited. (and that can be a BIG argument)... but realize that this is the big financial issue... they're his first family, she butters his first kids' bread, and you can't change that. If you wanted to change it, you shouldn't even try to. It's what makes him a GOOD man.
Whatever trust fund you have, you need to be productive. He already has one ex wife to support who is not necessarily being reasonable and earning her keep... what does he need with another who is always looking for someone else to live off of? Save your trust fund for retirement and find a job. And thank your lucky stars that you've found one of the good guys who is trying to do right by his estranged ex.
How a man treats his ex is going to be the way he treats you when he's angry at you... so treating her well is a good thing, not something to be angry or jealous about.
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Kathie
Silver
Reged: 09/18/07
Posts: 79
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why does it bother me so much that he is still doing her favors when she doesnt appreciate him. Isnt he taking a risk putting her oh his auto policy? I feel like hes not moving forward with me.
Did I mention that she says shit about me all the time, but im not suppose to call her. He needs to defend me a little.
She is so trying to cause problems.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4841
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She is his wife. She deserves to be supported by him (and him by her) until the divorce is over, and that includes insurance. She may not like that he's living with someone else and I don't blame her. You moved a little quickly in moving in before he was divorced. I understand that there were probably a whole lot of reasons for you wanting to move in together and thinking it was a great idea, as between the two of you, but for his WIFE, your presence creates a sordid situation that she probably doesn't want in her family, so of COURSE she is saying things against you.
And if there is the slightest possibility that he might want to get back together with her, it's not a good idea for you to be there, cluttering up his mind on whether or not he can freely go back to his wife, who is the mother of his children.
I don't mean to get all judgmental on you, but I want you to see what SHE (and probably a whole lot of others) see about this. You're an adult and so it should not be a surprise to you that a man who is married might have a wife who objects to him living with and supporting a different woman who he is not married to, has no children with, and who has no job to support herself.
If you want me to be "supportive" rather than giving you a reality check, then let me try... OK... I don't think I can reassure you that he won't want to get back together with her. He might want to. Look at all the guys on here who have been treated like dirt and would go back for more if their stbxs would take them back... Your presence there complicates his decisionmaking process on this, and any word you say negative about her will make you look bad, not like the sweet bit of paradise and escape from the madness that he needs to have when he gets home. Whatever lies she tells about you, if he doesn't know the truth and doesn't ask you to confirm or deny what she's said, then recognize that he's not exactly working to defend you here, and maybe he does not intend to do so.
Your demanding that he do that might cause him to pull from you.
Look, he's left one difficult situation, why would he want to get into a new one. Be the calm in teh storm. Do like Golightly advises & stop worrying about his past, about her, don't try to compete with her. If he's still with ehr or going to be, then that's not something you can control... and if you try to control it what will happen is that you'll push him into it... by being the person he does NOT need you to be right now.
I know this was harsh to hear, but he just MIGHT NOT be ready to move forward with you, and you'd be better off planning for that possibility than in running through your trust fund & finding yourself destitute & on the streets at the end of it.
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1227
Gold
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 195
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I agree w/ gigi remeber you are living in her previous home w/ your child while SHE and son moved out.
Not to mention the example being shown to both your and HER child dad is living w/ the other woman before the divorce even if you did not know him b4 the move out. She has no control over the example you are showin and has every right to be bitter.
You are happy that she benefitted from her loss and that is not right. I lived a one bedrm now she does.
When did you meet your boyfriend and when did they split? This may also come in to play and YOU can not BLAME her.
Lets just look it from his point also. He was married and had a kid w/ this lady you can not expect him to change his feelings for her over night romanic or not, even his sympathy, much less for his son. She is living in a 1 bdrm so is HIS SON.
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