Divorce Support Forums: Husband in denial

I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation. I filed for divorce in Sept from my husband of 17 yrs. We have 5 children (ages 6-15). He has been controlling and dominant, although I'm sure he doesn't see it that way. He is not a bad guy, just a bad husband. He is a decent father and I want his children to maintain their relationship, although he has been emotionally distant, critical and harsh for years and they are very aware of that. He IS NOT physically abusive, but the rage in his eyes sometimes scares me.

I have been in counseling since April and we tried to work on it, but he is so controlling and "thinks" he has changed, but really has not. So i filed. He refuses to cooperate, I think he is in total denial. I asked him to move out Sept. 7. He says he is looking but cannot find anything suitable. No evidence of packing or anything. Knowing how he operates, he will postpone this as long as possible, trying to change my mind, and make me "come to my senses".

I opened my own checking and savings accounts, and a new credit card. I have my own business so I am stable enough for now. We don't have any real debts other than the house and we have lots of equity in that, but not many other assets. He says he is trying to cooperate, but that's not what his actions show.

So last week, I moved forward with a temporary hearing. All I want is for him to move out and start separating our lives as this divorce proceeds. He continues to want to eat as a family, go to church all together, etc. My counselor and the pastors are trying to help me set boundaries, not easy task for me but I am getting stronger. Again, I repeat he is not a monster, but neither is he willing to acknowledge that this IS happening. By forcing a temporary orders hearing, he is setting himself up to have stricter guidelines than he otherwise would have had. My lawyer is asking for these 4 things:

1- I get full use of the residence with the children in the interim (I forgot to mention we homeschool so are in our house every day and I do 98% of all child care (meals, laundry, education, driving, bedtime, etc.) The primary point here is the CHIILDREN stay in their home and I stay with them as primary caregiver. I plan to buy him out as part of the final settlement.

2- customary child support (at 5 kids, that's 40% of his take home)

3- customary visitation

4- He puts them on his health insurance NOW. This is where I anticipate the sticking point. The children and I have not had health insurance for 4 years, since he prefers to pay out of pocket rather than insurance premiums. The court will order this as his responsibility.

That last point is the one that I was going to ask for in the final decree but now that a hearing is moving forward, a judge will order it now and that will make him so angry. I see that he is in a tough spot, but by ignoring my requests to move forward (he says he will NOT sign anything at all), he has pushed me into this. I really did not want to be vengeful. But it is confusing to the children that we have told them we are getting a divorce and they see no real change in their daily life. We are all in limbo while he drags his feet to control the situation.

Okay, any input?

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Kimberley